The Ultimate Harem
by VostoK SporK
Summary: Spirits were thought to be hunted to extinction by the fallen angels and humanity a long time ago. However, they were WRONG! As they start to make their vengeance on humans and fallen angels, Issei Hyoudou sees a chance.. a perfect chance to expand his harem. (UP FOR ADOPTION PM ME FOR DETAILS)
1. Summary

**Ladies and gentlemen! I welcome you... to a new idea nobody has ever thought of before (- lie)! It is one of the first (if not the first) FanFiction that combines... Date A Live and Highschool DxD!**

**Basically, Ddraig manifests his _true _power... AND... Issei gets to expand his harem! Ohoh, man, this is going to be fun. I AM WRITING THIS FOR FUN. As always, rate and review! I do not want:**

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**On with the story!**

**Oh, yeah, this is the PROLOGUE. You don't need to read it.**

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loading cs_prologue

"Alright, class, I am pleased to announce... our NEW STUDENT! Everybody, say hello to... Origami Tobiichi! Origami, say hello to everybody!" Issei Hyoudou jerked awake, his senses picking up a new presence in the room. Behind him, Matsuda and Motohama were locking their eyes on the new student with the eyes of Bambi. Looking up, he saw a girl about the same height and appearance as Koneko-Chan, but with blue eyes and a constant poker face. _Origami-Chan is soooooo loli yet mature at the same time!_ He instantly got a bloody nose just from looking at her.

The chair right next to him was pulled back, and Origami calmly set her books down on the table. _YES! This is a chance... to EXPAND MY HAREM! I WILL BECOME THE HAREM KING! YEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH- _"...hello?" she asked. Issei spun his head around. "..what's your name?"

"Issei Hyoudou, second year student!" he proudly declared, jabbing his thumb on his sternum.

"Uh, Mr. Hyoudou." coughed the teacher. "Would you please show Mrs. Tobiichi around the school-"

"HAH! Of course I will!" Issei accepted the offer and leapt up. "Alright, Origami-Chan, I'll tour you around this school for a little bit, ok?"

"Sure. I don't mind." she responded. Issei walked out the classroom door and held it open for her as she walked through, accidentally flat-tiring him. "Oh. Sorry." she said calmly as Issei winced in pain, hopping on one foot.

"O-ok!" Issei squinted his eyes and reopened them, still hopping around like a pogo stick. "Origami-Chan... welcome to Kuoh Academy! This school used to have only girls, but now, it's a co-ed school! The majority of students are still girls, though. And best of all... they're KAWAII! Especially the ones at the kendo club! This is our homeroom. Every morning, you'll wait here for daily announcements and other stuff like that. Around here and through this hallway... are the basketball courts, swimming pools, soccer and baseball fields, as well as the track field!" All of a bloody sudden, the fire alarm blew its stack and gave Issei a free ear rape. "And that's the fire alarm! Come on, the rules are to run out to the parking lot!" _Seriously... if this is Riser Phenex, I'm going to go super saiyan on his arse. _mentally growled Issei. _Ddraig, what's going on?_

**Partner, don't expect me to know everything. My best guess is that... it's not Riser Phenex. Or Vali and Albion. Or anybody else evil we know. **Issei turned around to make sure Origami was still with him, but she was missing. "OH SH-T! Ddraig, where did Origami go!?" cried Issei, looking everywhere frantically. **As I said, Hyoudou Issei... don't expect me to know everything. **Running out to the parking lot, hoping he would find Origami. The school suddenly exploded into flames, flames that burst out of windows and nearly burnt Issei to crisp. "ORIGAMI! Crap, Origami, I don't want to be responsible for your death! Where the heck are you!?" Issei unexpectedly ran into a fire hydrant, smashing his balls.

Unfortunately, his terrible day turned into a daily day one could experience in hell. A wall of flames surrounded him as Issei fell to the floor, curling up and wincing as his balls burst into flames themselves. "How foolish." said a female voice above him. It wasn't anybody's he recognized, not even Ravel. Looking up into the sun, Issei could see... heaven. Another crimson-haired beauty like Rias, except her hair was mixed in with more pink than Rias's. Her very _dress _was almost as beautiful as herself, taking on the resemblance of a fiery pink lotus thing. However, the staff she held in her hands were what Issei feared as her pink irises stared into his eyes.

"Ddraig! Who is this-"

**A spirit.**

"What's a spirit?"

**A being that takes on the resemblance of a human. There are only females, and they are responsible for creating a destructive phenomenon known as "spacequakes". It was thought that they were all exterminated by the fallen angels, but it turns out they're still alive. This is the first spirit seen in one thousand years.**

"HOW do we stop her?" Issei was starting to have a nosebleed from her beauty.

**Hmm. There are two ways. The hard way is to kill the f-ker, but the easier alternative is to make her fall in love with you. This is a perfect opportunity. Heh, heh... I'll show them.**

DRAMATIC FLASHBACK A FEW DAYS AGO!

"...oppai dragon." The very words ticked off Ddraig beyond recognition. Albion, his rival, out of all people, was the only being that could piss him off. Ddraig was pissed. _Very _pissed. In fact, he was _so _pissed that he felt like he could rip the head off of Great Red and shove it up Albion's anus, then rip off the other dragons' heads and shove it down his throat and up his anus _all at the same time._

**Albion. What. Did. You. Just. CALL ME!**

Oppai Dragon. Your host is the weakest. He has a passion for oppai. What worse can he get?

**ALBION! I'll show you. I AM THE MANIFESTATION OF THE RED HEAVENLY DRAGON EMPEROR! I AM DDRAIG! And one does not simply... **Ddraig put on his aviators, **...underestimate Ddraig.**

Be quiet. I'm much metter at mimicking Horatio than you.

PPPPPPPRESENT TIME!

**Don't worry, Hyoudou Issei. I have a plan, but there's a 42% chance of success. What I need you to do is activate the balance breaker. Immense power is needed to ensure success.**

"Well, then go ahead!" snapped Issei. The boosted gear appeared on his forearm and uttered

**BOOSTO!**

**Oh, yeah, **added Ddraig, **she's not the only spirit around here. **All of a sudden, the flames died to reveal _another _beauty. She bore some resemblance to Akeno, except her hair and eyes were dark purple, and the purple, gold, and white princess dress-knight armor hybrid thingamajig glowed in the daylight with her silver and golden broadsword, surrounded by a purple aura. But best of all, her dress exposed her cleavage. Blood immediately gushed down Issei's nose, accompanied by the noise of his boosted gear exponentially gaining power. "I did not expect another spirit to be here... _princess._" the fiery chick said the last word mockingly.

"PIG!" shouted 'princess'. It was the best Issei could do to laugh out loud as the fiery chick growled in anger.

"SLUT!" shouted back the fiery chick.

"B-TCH!" yelled princess.

"WH-RE!" screamed fiery chick.

"Ara, ara!" turning his head around, Issei's nosebleed intensified to the point where it was a bloody _Old Faithful. _Her red and black frilled dress and headband fit with her black twintails and uniquely colored red and yellow eyes. She held _two freaking flintlocks _in her hand, matching her yandere/yangire personality. "I never knew this would be so much fun.."

**Welsh Dragon OVERBOOSTER! **yelled Ddraig, and in an instant, Issei was flooded with the power of the Heavenly Red Dragon. **SCALE MAIL BALANCE BREAKER! Hyoudou Issei, are you ready for this? I sure am, because I bet Albion five hundred million yen on this!**

"Dragons have money..." sighed Issei. "...Ddraig, that's not all of them!" A 5-story tall rabid rabbit, apparently Bugs Bunny who ate carrots injected with cocaine, rose out of the ground in an icy aura. Standing on its head was a small, loli 13-year old girl with a white-blue dress under her green raincoat with the hood on and 2 bunny-like ears attached to it. Issei's nose bleed evolved from a nose bleed... to a nose explosion! "Ddraig... could this be my future harem?" he mumbled, dying of blood loss as 2 final spirits appeared, each with orange hair and waist-long pigtails that were braided. Their dresses were basically purple and blue straps, covering, like, 10 percent of their skin.

**Yes! And this is also a sign that I'll win the bet! This new power you just gained will immediately make all girls in the blast's vicinity fall in love with you! **shouted Ddraig.

"Oh, we have a witness." The frilled dress girl observed Issei, then turned around to face the rest of the spirits. "As you all know, we cannot have witnesses."

**Heh. ALBION! Give me all of your money.**

Green light was everywhere.

The night has come.

"Hey, Riser, thanks for inviting us to your party! CHEERS!" Hundreds of devils and fallen angels were attending the party being hosted at the Phenex clan's mansion. Vali, in his scale mail balance breaker, held up his beer bottle and clinked it with Sirzech's, Azazel's, Riser Phenex's, and Lord Gremory's beer bottles before drinking away. Riser brought his entire harem, and Vali wasn't expecting what was about to unfold before his very eyes.

"Hey, why wasn't I invited?" Issei barged in the party, with his brand new harem consisting of:

Rias Gremory

Asia Argento

Akeno Himejima

Koneko Toujou

Xenovia

Tohka Yatogami, "princess"

Kotori Itsuka, "fiery chick"

Kurumi Tokisaki, "frilled dress chick"

Yoshino, "girl with Bugs Bunny on meth"

Kaguya Yamai, "girl in purple revealing dress"

Yuzuru Yamai, "girl in blue revealing dress"

Sirzechs, Azazel, Riser Phenex, Vali, and Lord Gremory all spewed their beer out of their mouths in utter surprise, and the music stopped. Everybody paused their dancing and looked at Issei with his brand new harem. "I-Impossible!" stuttered Vali and Albion at the same time.

"HOW COUlD THIS HAPPEN!?" cried Azazel. Issei FREAKING Hyoudou beat the governor of the fallen angels to it.

**I win, Albion. **snickered Ddraig. **After all, I AM the heavenly red dragon!**


	2. Chapter 1

Issei Hyoudou woke up. He felt so infuriated that he could rip all of his hair out as if they were the poor trees in _The Lorax_. "RRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" he growled, tossing his head back into his pillow. He just had... the _best _dream of all time! It was a dream where his harem was completed! With more chicks! _Hot _ones, too! If it was real, then he would have, like, 11 girls sleeping with him. "Ddraig! Was that all just a dream!?"

**Unfortunately.**

"Nooooooooo!" he cried, burying his face in the blankets. "Oh, well! At least I have the demons! Especially Rias, who uses me as a body pillow! Except WHERE IS RIAS!" He threw his covers off of his bed to find no nude Rias sleeping with him. Instead, he found a note. A freaking note that said Rias was on a trip to the underworld with her entire family to the underworld counterpart of Fiji. Mumbling, Issei slowly got out of bed, took a 5-minute shower filled with despair, and hastily put on his Kuoh Academy blazer with a red t-shirt underneath and black jeans. His parents weren't home as well, including Akeno, Koneko, Xenovia... and ASIA! He was home alone. Home. FREAKING. Alone. His breakfast was eaten in silence, as well as his teeth brushing session.

Issei walked out the front door, but forgot to DEACTIVATE THE ALARM! It went off, scaring the living hell out of his bones. He quickly and accidentally smashed it, then walked out the door and locked it behind him. _Where should I head to... _he then decided to head over to Matsuda's house, so they could go peek through the bedroom windows of hot girls' homes. But halfway there, his hopes were pounced on, got its jugular ripped out, and eaten as he was suddenly surrounded by a searing hot wall of flames, rising and punching through the cloudy sky above. "AUGH! What in the H-LL is going on!? Ddraig, is it the Phenex clan?"

**Most unlikely.**

"Well, then who is it-" Issei was cut off when an incredibly kawaii and moe yet mature girl appeared in front of him. She had naturally pink-reddish hair, tied in twintails long enough to strangle anybody, as well as naturally colored pink irises. As soon as he set her eyes on her dress, he swore he could feel blood building up in his nostrils, ready to gush out like the collapse of the 3 Gorges Dam in _World War Z. _It was a fiery, white and pink dress-kimono thing that was partially on fire, and the staff she held only added to her menacing appearance.

**Hyoudou Issei. **said Ddraig. **Do not ask me who this is; I don't know as well. I can, however, tell that you are forming a ****_nasty _****idea in that head of yours. No, fat chance. She will probably not be in your harem. **_Like that's gonna stop me! _mentally growled Issei with confidence. _First, I have to find out what she wants. _"So... hello, there! Nice dress. Where'd you get it? Oh, well. Why are you here? You sure look pissed." All of a sudden, his boosted gear appeared on his left forearm, which she took as a sign of aggression. Aiming her staff, surrounded by flames, she sprayed an 80-meter long wall of flames at Issei, who easily dodged it. "My, my! You're definitely not a person from the Phenex Clan. Hmm... hey, I have an idea!" Unfortunately for Issei and the girl, the flames died down to reveal, like, 30 girls in revealing mech suits all pointing laser rifles and rocket launchers at the two. "HOJESUS!" Blood spewed out of his nose like there was no tomorrow. All of those girls were in Issei's age group, and not only that, they looked unbelievably hot. Just from looking at their advanced, nanotechnology mech armor, he could tell its designer was a genuis and a pervert at the same time.

"I knew it!" frowned the fiery girl. "You're here to try and kill me, right!? Along with these blokes!?"

"What NO!" A missile was fired at Issei's back, sending him flying into the fiery girl and disorienting him. Blood was slowly dripping out of his mouth, but it wasn't like it was stopping him or anything. "Uh, Ddraig! I really need help right now! How fast can we achieve balance break-" he was blinded by a flash of green light, and adrenaline was suddenly being manufactured at light speed in his body. When the light subsided, he was in freaking scale mail. **It's that fast. Thank me later. **sighed Ddraig. "HEH! You want to take her on!? Well, first, you're going to have to get through _me!_" _Fat chance, though. _thought Issei.

**BOOSTO! **uttered the boosted gear as one of the girl in mech suits made a beeline right for him. Sure, she was fast with the suit's thrusters, but it was sh-t compared to Issei's balance breaker. Dragon armor BEATS EVERYTHING! The girl took out a real-life lightsaber. That's right, I said it, _lightsaber. _Issei _hated _lightsabers. "OH CRAAAAP!" he cried, dodging her surprisingly fast swings. "Wait... you can't be older than sixteen! What sick man sends girls to fight me!? Heck, you could be my classmate! You _ARE _my classmate!" he cried in confusion as he observed her closely. "AUGH GET AWAY FROM ME!" He shoved her off, planting his armored palm right in her marshmallow-like chest. A red circle appeared on it, and Issei snapped his fingers in response.

A shriek clawed through the air as the girl's mech suit _exploded _to shreds of metal, leaving her completely. Freaking. Naked. She fell on a house's grassy front yard as blood spewed out from under Issei's helmet. His nosebleed was at a catastrophic level, to the point where he would die of blood loss. His hormones and perverted mind were literally bouncing off of the walls as he continued to... _evade _his attackers and b-tchslap anybody away who tried to tried to lay so much as a _breath _on the fiery girl. More dress breaking. More sights for Issei's eyes that could have killed a normal man from immense pleasure he was experiencing. Their godly, work-of-art-like bodies were laid out right in front of him, unable to fight from humiliation.

"Ddraig, you said that a boosted gear can evolve to it's user's will, right?" Issei asked, picking up two wrecked thrusters from a mech suit as he stared at the girls. **Interesting. You want to take something bada-s and add it to your scale mail to get something even ****_more _****bada-s?** asked Ddraig. **Sure, you can. It's not going to cut your life short, since it doesn't have any magical power. **Issei placed both of them on his back, and blammo. He made his armor, which was extremely maneuverable, and made it even _more _maneuverable, and he could use it with the increased speed he also got from attaching the thrusters. Next, he picked up a battered missile launcher from one of the wrecked mech suits and attached _that. _Next up was the shotgun and laser rifle he found laying on the floor. He attached _those _on his armor, and thanks to magical powers, he now had a missile-launching, laser-rifle-shotgun awesome super saiyan bada-s weapon thing... y. Finally, he found a laser sword and fused it with Ascalon, giving him a dragon-slaying laser sword. **I CALL IT... THE MARK XVII EXOSUIT RED DRAGON MISSILE LAUNCHING SHOTGUN LASER RIFLE DRAGON SLAYING LASER SWORD SUPER GODLY OVERPOWERED BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL! **proudly announced Ddraig. Issei was about to explode from awesomeness and excitement, now that he was probably the most OP dragon host of them all.

There were, however, 2 left. They were rather women in revealing mech suits, both in their 20s or early 30s. "What? You're still there even though you know you're going to get owned? A smart person would run." he said, checking out his laser rifle shotgun wrist attachment. "Mahan, Ddraig, you are AWESOME! Who knew you could do this to scale mail!? Oh, yeah... WHO ARE YOU BLOKES!" he shrieked, jabbing a finger at the two.

"We're... we're from D.E.M. Industries." said the pale blond-hair woman, who was probably European.

"Yeah, and if you don't move out of the way," warned the red-haired woman, "we're going to kill both of you-"

"OVER MY D-MN DEAD BODY! You want to take me on!? An easier way is to shoot yourself in the FACE!" re-warned Issei. "If you want to kill her, kill me first! If you _CAN _kill me!" Infuriated, the red-haired woman lunged to Issei with her suit's thrusters, but flew back into the air when Issei falconpunched her in the gut with the power of 500 dragons. "See? Never underestimate your opponents!" he taunted both of them, and in response, the blond-haired woman just smiled mysteriously. Her mech suit, which was white and black, was stocked with a crapload of laser guns. She took out a laser cannon that had the capability to destroy a mountain and fired it at Issei, who just stood there and didn't. Move. A. Single. Inch.

"I-impossible..." she muttered. "...that has the power to kill spirits! Don't tell me-"

"THAT'S RIGHT DEM INDUSTRIES!" shouted Issei for DEM Industries to hear, jabbing his finger at the blonde. "YOU HEAR ME, YOU B-STARDS! **I will find you- MARK MY WORDS!**" he said the last part with a menacing tone, aiming his laser rifle/shotgun hybrid where the women were.

But they were gone.

"Good choice!" complimented Issei as his scale mail folded back to his armored forearm. "Hey, Ddraig, why didn't you tell me I had this power when we were fighting Albion? And Vali? Ddraig? You there? Ddraig? DDDDDdddddrrrrrraaaaaaiiiiiiggggggg?"**  
**

"T-thanks for saving me..." nervously mumbled the fiery chick. "...they would've killed me if it wasn't for you..."

"Ah, it was nothing!" chuckled Issei. "Those DEM fools don't know who they're messing with."

"B-but do you even know how powerful DEM is-"

"Seriously." suddenly shouted Issei. "Do I look like I give a rat's a-s about how strong DEM is? DEM Industries _MY A-S! _If they try to much as to _spy _on you, I'm sending their sorry a-ses straight to the sun with nukes shoved up their anuses. We're... uh... I guess we're friends... and that means nobody, NOBODY, will harm you. Especially not when I'm still alive." vowed Issei.

"Uh, hello?" said somebody. Issei turned around to see the entire neighborhood, the fire department, police department, and ambulances surrounded around the two. Flashes from cellphones were blinding Issei and the fiery chick as the police officers nervously looked at each other, ready to pull the triggers on their rifles and pistols. A news helicopter was circling around the entire scene, giving Issei and awkward feeling. He was surrounded by freaking out naked girls, remnants of mech suits, and other people as he stood next to his new friend, and possibly a new member of his soon-to-be-established harem.

It was going to be a _long _day.


	3. Chapter 2

**Getting right down to business as we go further in the story. The first chapter (very first) is more like a dream, not a summary.**

**As always, rate and review for better (not necessarily more) chapters!**

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Issei Hyoudou was a normal teenager in his second year of high school.  
Scratch that, Issei Hyoudou was the luckiest highschooler in all of history.

After evading torrents of cameras, questions, and flashes as perverts started to arrive, Issei and the fiery chick eventually ended up at Issei's house. And for the past few minutes, they were just staring at each other intently, wondering what was going to happen next. _She's not a demon, or a fallen angel, or even an angel. So... what IS she?_ wondered Issei, still staring at her as his eyes slowly worked their way down from her face to her body...

"Why are you staring at me?" she suddenly asked, breaking the silence.

"Why are _you _staring at me!?" shrieked Issei. "What are we even doing!? Who or what are you!?"

"Baka baka." facepalmed the fiery chick, emulating Captain Picard. "You don't even know what I am when half of the world does? Ok, to cut a long story short, I'm a spirit."

"So... you're dead?" guessed Issei.

"I'm not finished!" she chastised. "A spirit is a being who takes on the form of a human. Currently, there are only females, and we are responsible for, according to you humans, a 'devastating phenomenon' known as 'spacequakes', gigantic, random explosions that obliterate anything in its range-"

"Issseeeeeiiiiii!" sang a familiar voice that belonged to the crimson-haired beauty Rias as the front door bashed open. In walked Rias, Akeno, Koneko, Xenovia, and Asia, all carrying suitcases with towels over their shoulders. "We're back from the vacation to the underworld- wait, who is this?" she asked sternly, pointing to the fiery chick. _Great, how do I explain this? _thought Issei. "Is she a-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA no." the fiery chick glared at Rias after she finished her sentence.

"Uh, she's a spirit!" said Issei. In an instant, the fiery chick raised her flaming staff and aimed it at at Rias, while Xenovia took out her sword, Akeno readied a bolt of lightning, and Rias formed a sphere of destruction in both hands. If he didn't do something, the house would be obliterated. "Ladies, ladies! You're all pretty, so let's not get our tempers in a tie and destroy this house. It's mine, after all. Why don't we... calmly... negotiate this! I'm sure we can work something out!"

Later...

"Supposedly, the Spirits were thought to he extinct 500 years ago, according to the ancestors' records of the Gremory clan." reported Rias. "So, Issei-Kun. You're saying... you're saying you want to find out another way to stop these Spirits besides killing them?" Issei violently nodded and smiled at the same time. "I see. It turns out there are only two ways to seal a Spirit's powers;" Rias summoned her book and flipped through numerous, aged pages (hey, that rhymed!) and continued, "method one is to kill them, as we all know, but method two is to... have them fall in love with you and kiss you?" Looking incredulously at Issei, the book, and the fiery chick, Rias closed the book and set it on the table. "I guess we have no choice... but Issei-Kun. Only I, nobody else, will be your true lover."

"YES!" screamed Issei at the top of his lungs, the arteries nearly popping in his eyes. "I shall become the TRUE HAREM KING!" His scream was loud enough for the whole street to hear. Almost immediately, he settled down. "So... uh... what's your name?" He asked.

"The mech people called me 'Efreet'." responded the fiery chick.

Nodding in acknowledgement, Issei concluded "From now on, until I decide to give you an official name, I shall now refer to you as Efreet-Chan! Now, uh, Efreet-Chan, how about we go... go out for a while? You know... a... date?" Issei was immediately raided by the terrible memories of his first date. When was the last time a person got killed by his girlfriend on a date? Huh? "...so we can get to know each other better?"

In a blinding burst of flames, Efreet changed her fiery dress to a Kuoh Academy girls' school uniform, and her fiery staff disappeared. "Well, since you saved me... I'll go out with you... _but just this once!" _she warned. Issei could see his very dream unfolding before his eyes.

His harem.

He was going to show Riser Phenex, as well as Vali Lucifer and anybody else who had a harem. Issei Hyoudou, the Red Dragon Emperor, was going to have the best harem of them all.

He was going to be the true harem king.

* * *

It was 3 hours since they started their date. Issei took Efreet through an entire freaking amusement park, yet she didn't look amused since then. "Look, Efreet-Chan!" Issei motioned to the TV in the restaurant they were eating at. It was tuned to a news channel, and Efreet turned her head just as the new reported reported,

"...a man was brutally murdered by a gunshot to the face in a McDonalds near..."

Issei turned back to Efreet, who just took a sip of water from her glass. "I guess you could say..." he put on a pair of new aviators he bought from a store while shopping with Efreet, "that he didn't have a... happy meal."

**YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH! **shouted Ddraig in his mind. Luckily, nobody could hear him, but unluckily for Issei, everybody could hear Efreet's comment. "Of course he didn't have a happy meal, baka." she frowned. "He's an adult. If I learned anything about humans, it's that they're stupid." Issei just facepalmed and resumed eating his lunch with Efreet. _And if I learned anything about Spirits... it's that they're extremely literal._ thought Issei. _Oh, well. I need to find a way for her to fall in love with me! It's now or never! My ENTIRE harem depends on this!_

"Uh... Efreet-Chan!" Issei broke the silence between the two. "I think you looked kawaii in that... dress of yours!"

"Arigato." she responded flatly. "And you said 'looked'. That's past tense. So are you saying I looked kawaii in my astral dress _then, _but not now?"

Issei cried, "No, no, no! I mean... you look kawaii in that... astral dress of yours!"

"Where should we go next?" Efreet was finally finished with her food.

**The aquarium is always the best on it's first visit. **suggested Ddraig. **Thank me later.** "Why don't we head over to the aquarium? I heard it's a phenomenal experience for people who have never been to one before!" He wiped his mouth, stood up, and held the door open for Efreet as she ran out, accidentally driving her heel into his pinky toe. "AUGH! Uh... Efreet... you stepped on my... toe-"

"Aww, what do you want me to do, kiss it?" she said the same way a mother would ask her child. "H-ll no." was Issei's response.

* * *

"Well, here we are! The aquarium!" Issei led Efreet through a glass tunnel, a glass tunnel that was holding up millions of gallons of water as fish, sharks, manta rays, and even a whale shark. Efreet immediately ran back outside, panting in fear. "...what's wrong?"

"You're trying to kill me, right?! You just want me to walk deep inside, then you can drown me before I can escape!" she protested, crossing her arms.

"...does it look like I can do such a thing when there are so many witnesses around?" said Issei, walking out as well. "Also, since you're, according to Rias, one of the most powerful Spirits, and since you're the Spirit of fire, won't water have basically no effect on you? Plus, if I tried to do such an act, I would die too." Although he wasn't very good at reasoning, it was enough to convince Efreet to follow him through the water tunnel. "See? It's not collapsing down on us or anythin-"

"THERE SHE IS! EFREET!" All of a freaking sudden, two of the girls in mech suits appeared in the aquarium's entrance. They raised their laser rifles at the glass tunnel and pulled their triggers. _Click! _Cursing under their breaths, they hastily smacked in a fresh clip of ammunition and raised it back at Efreet, but she was already gone. All they could hear was the chatter over their radios and the sound of footsteps further in the aquarium. "Don't let her escape!" ordered the girl on the left, running inside.

However...

"They won't find you here, Efreet-Chan!" Issei whispered while bent over, coughing madly while Efreet crawled into a ventilation shaft. "The last place DEM would want to check is the ventilation system!"

"CHECK THE VENTS!" ordered a voice that was steadily approaching, accompanied by screams of innocent bystanders and hundreds of footsteps. The door burst open, and Issei instinctively backed up against the vent, out of time to put it back on as 10 of the girls in mech suits burst in. But almost instantly, they froze in place right when they recognized Issei.

"Uh... hello..." Issei was just as nervous as they were. In an attempt to scare them away, he held up his hands and roared "RRRAAAAAAUUURGH!" Instead, they responded by raising their weapons and flipping the safeties off. "Uh... yeah, I'm f-ked, aren't I." he facepalmed, rubbing his left forearm behind his back. _DDRAIG ACTIVATE THE BOOSTED GEAR! _mentally screamed Issei, and he brought his left forearm forwards, revealing the boosted gear that single handedly (well, not really) defeated an entire squadron of DEM operatives. "RRRAAAHHHHH!" he screamed again, and one of the girls accidentally shot her laser shotgun near his feet. "OOH SH-T!" he yelped, leaping in the air 2 feet.

A familiar woman with red-brown hair walked in, smirking at Issei. "Give up. Tell us where Efreet is, and you live." she insisted.

"After I humiliate all of you!" snickered Issei, ready to activate his balance breaker and raising his armored forearm. Seeking answers, the woman tried to shoot him in the shoulder, but was blinded when she lined up her pistol's sights. The light died down, revealing Issei in the kick-a*s MARK XVII EXOSUIT RED DRAGON MISSILE LAUNCHING SHOTGUN LASER RIFLE DRAGON SLAYING LASER SWORD SUPER GODLY OVERPOWERED BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL. "Well," commented Issei, "that escalated quickly. What time is it?"

The lobby was empty in 5 seconds, leaving Issei and Efreet alone. Issei turned around and helped Efreet out of the vent. "I-Issei-San... thank you..."

"As long as I'm here, DEM won't try to lay a finger on you. Do not let DEM trouble your heart. Trust in God; but he's dead, trust in Jesus Christ, who is probably dead, but most importantly, trust in me." quoted Issei. "Jesus Christ said that. And a word to the wise ain't necessary- it's the stupid ones- DEM- that need the advice. Bill Cosby said that. Oh, yeah, uh... to commemorate this date, I bought you something.. I don't know if you like them or not..." Issei reached behind his back and took out a bag with 10 lollipops stuffed in it. Handing one to Efreet, who burnt the wrapper off by pressing her finger against it, she licked it, then put the whole thing in her mouth.

"Mmh... ahh.." Efreet started spinning the thing in her mouth, licking it as it was spun. Suddenly, she threw it aside in a trash can and embraced Issei tightly. "Issei-San... I enjoyed today's date... especially the Ferris Wheel... can we do it again?"

"You... did?" Issei was excited and anxious at the same time. Was Efreet going to finish Issei off like Yuuma-Chan did? Instead of a light spear, a fiery spear that would probably hurt like hell? "I'm glad you enjoyed it... it wasn't much, really! I can go with you _anytime, _as long as we're not busy, ok?"

"Thank you. How do you finish off a date again...?" asked Efreet, closing her eyes and thinking hard.

Issei was about to die from excitement. "...a kiss!" All of a sudden, Efreet grabbed the sides of his head and brought his lips to hers. Just ike that, Issei's morale flew right out of the window, broke the sound barrier, and smashed through the Earth's atmosphere. This was the _second time _a girl kissed him, and the very _feeling _of Issei's lips in contacts with hers was enough for him to get a bloody nose. "Mmh... aah... haahh..." moaned Efreet, and to make matters over nine thousand times better for Issei, Efreet's clothes started to glow red and disintegrate, leaving her naked. Issei's bloody nose was more like a ripped off nose at this point, spewing blood all over her chest as his look turned from a surprised one to an utterly and godly perverted one. _I'm not alive, aren't I? Did I die... and go to pervert heaven?_

_"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!" Issei saved 40 mental images, his nosebleed getting more and more intense. At any moment, he was going to faint from blood loss as Efreet frantically ran into the store nearby the lobby and reemerged with a white, one-piece swimsuit for compensation._

**I have the best host ever. **Laughed Ddraig.


	4. Chapter 3

**I just finished watching Date A Live 2: Episode 9. Boy, do I hate cliffhangers.**

* * *

_Freaking DEM!_ Issei was trapped in his classroom once again, droning through the boring as hell history class. _Ddraig, I swear to god, even though he's dead, I'm gonna find out where they are located, shove my hand up the CEO's a-s, and rip his brain out! _He slowly looked up, groaning and getting ready to drift off to sleep. _Ugh... wait, what? _"...class, today we have a new student!" announced the teacher, standing next to the 'new student'. "Say hello to... miss Kotori Hyoudou!" _Wait, WHAT? KOTORI HYOUDOU! _Snapping awake, Issei saw who this 'Kotori Hyoudou' was. _W-wait... EFREET-CHAN! What the h-ll are you doing here!? _Sitting down in the desk next to Issei, she glanced at him, smiled, then opened the book as the teacher resumed his lecture.

"Wake up! You'll regret it later." snapped Kotori/Efreet. "You need to study your best, Onii-Chan."

"W-what? _Onii-Chan!?_" Issei asked incredulously. "How come- how- how did you-"

"The powers of a spirit are amazing, no?" whispered Kotori in his ear, leaning over to his desk. "Your parents now have memories of a loving daughter, and since I'm younger than you, I have to call you Onii-Chan."

Later, at lunch...

"Onii-Chan!" called Kotori, plopping her lunch tray and sitting next to Issei, who was already eating lunch with Matsuda and Motohama. "What is my big, perverted brother doing _now?_" Motohama and Matsuda looked at each other, then at Issei furiously. "Are these your friends? They sure don't seem too happy-"

"ISSEI!" yelled Motohama. "You never told us you had a younger sister! What the h-ll, dude! You don't have to hold back everything from us!" The actual translation was _What the h-ll, dude! You have a hot sister!? No fair!_

"Eheheh..." Issei nervously rubbed his head as the rest of his friends: Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Kiba, and Xenovia sat down at the same table, sandwiching Issei between hot girls and one other dude. Matsuda and Motohama were currently undergoing a jealousy overload, blood spurting out of their noses as they tried to reach over the table to punch Issei square in the face. _My harem... if I can find the other spirits... I CAN HAVE A TRUE HAREM!_ He couldn't wait to find the other spirits. _Wait.. didn't I see Kotori-Chan in my dream!? Does that mean... the other spirits I saw... could be real, too!? The prophecies are true! This is the promised land!_ All of a sudden, every single window in the school cracked and shattered inwards, showering anybody standing too close in extra-sharp shards of glass. In the distance, an eerie tornado-hurricane like noise was heard, accompanied by the screams of students and teachers. "Uh... what the h-ll is that!?"

"Spacequake!" exclaimed Rias, pulling Asia away from the flying glass. "They're an unusual phenomenon caused by spirits, and they're extremely catastrophic! Issei-Kun, I know exactly what you're thinking! Be safe! Don't try to do do anything stupid!" Warned Rias, fearing of him almost dying... AGAIN. The students were still screaming and running around, not knowing what to do. Rias, along with her fellow demons, knew exactly what to do; head to the parking lot. That's what the school's evacuation plan was; to head to the parking lot, and stay away as far as possible from the school. "Asia-Chan, don't worry. Issei will know what to do." She assured, hugging Asia as they filed out into the parking lot, with screams in the background.

"I'm on the HIIIGH WAY TO HELL!" scang Issei, who stole a bike and pedaling as fast as he could to the city. "HI-IIIGH WAY TO HELL! Hey, Ddraig, get ready! Those DEM idiots are sure as heck going to arrive any time soon!" In response, his boosted gear materialized out of green energy on his left forearm. "I made a promise to Rias! And I'm going to stop this spacequake, and if the spirit is a girl, add another beauty to my harem!" Unfortunately, he sped straight into a curb, sending him flipping forwards and into a picnic table. "Screw you... Newton's First Law of Motion!" cursed Issei, slowly rolling off the table and stumbling into the city. It was a mess; cars were overturned like hot wheels, the influx of screaming people wasn't helping, and the sound of breaking glass cracked through the air like lightning. After (unsuccessfully) pushing himself through the crowd, he found himself smack-dab in the middle of the city, facing a gigantic crater. In the middle was... a spirit! _There she is! The soon-to-be girlfriend! Hah, this is going to be easyWHOA! _He mentally cried, dodging a long swing from a glowing purple broadsword.

Her purple, cream, and gold princess dress-armor danced in the air, especially the skirt part. Unluckily for Issei, he couldn't see _through _the skirt and see her panties. _Do spirits wear panties? _Wondered Issei, looking at her otherwise ungodly beautiful features. This spirit reminded him of Akeno.. and his murderer Reynare. Like Akeno, she had long, plum-purple hair that was tied into a ponytail that was as long as her slender legs. But like Raynare, she had beautiful, purple eyes, and a cold gaze as she pointed the edge of her broadsword at Issei. However, she also looked... sad. She was around the same height and age as Issei, which was perfect enough for him. "A-augh! Don't point that thing at me!? What are you doing? Who are you?! What's your name!?"

"S-stay back!" she ordered. "You're trying to kill me? Go away!"

"Are you crazy, woman!?" Issei frowned incredulously. "Why would I want to kill you? First of all, you're hot. Second of all, I'm not as strong as a spirit, but I'm _pretty _strong. Thirdly, I believe we can sort this out... peacefully, effeciently, and non-violently!"

"Then what's that thing on your arm... RED DRAGON EMPEROR!?" Demanded the spirit. _Crap, she knows who I am! Wait, how does she know who I am? Darn it!_

"Uh... that's something called aAUCK!" choked out Issei, flying over the spirit's head and propelled by the explosion of a missile. Faceplanting on the crater's floor, he weakly looked up. "Oh CRAP! Ddraig, DEM's here! DDRAIG! Uh, BOOSTED GEAR BOOST!" cried Issei, holding up his boosted gear. **BOOSTO! **it uttered in response, and everything was shortly bathed in green energy. When it was re-absorbed into the boosted gear, Issei was standing next to the spirit... in his **MARK XVII EXOSUIT RED DRAGON MISSILE LAUNCHING SHOTGUN LASER RIFLE DRAGON SLAYING LASER SWORD SUPER GODLY OVERPOWERED BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL! **Declared Ddraig with gusto. **Alright, Hyoudou Issei, are you ready for this!? **"YES I AM! Spirit, uh... what's your name?" asked Issei, intentionally letting down his guard. All of the girls in mech suits unleashed a barrage of missiles at Issei, striking him. However, the dust subsided, revealing Issei and the spirit standing in a green forcefield.

"DON'T LET PRINCESS GET AWAY!" barked the red-brown haired woman.

"Princess is your name?" asked Issei. "Stay right here, princess! I'll teach these blokes not to interrupt people!" He leapt out of the forcefield, falcon-punching one of them in the gut and propelling her to the floor like a meteor/meteorite, or whatever you call it when it hits the floor. Next up was his strafing maneuver, which involved circling all of them and blasting away with his laser rifle-shotgun hybrid weapon, but aiming not to kill any of them. Heck, they could be his very classmates! Some could be fellow demons! Or fellow fallen angels! Perhaps even fellow angels! So instead, he used his power of dress-breaking and loaded it into his laser rifle-shotgun wrist-sacred-gear-in-a-sacred-gear-thing, shooting all of them in the legs like a Counter-Strike: Source aimbot. As soon as the laser hit their legs, their mech suits were shredded to bits like a piece of paper put into a paper shredder, leaving them stark freaking naked and giving Issei a near-death experience because of blood loss from his nosebleeds. "So... it's you..." He hovered a few meters away, in front of the red-haired DEM woman, the only person left standing. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME, WOMAN!?"

"Jessica!" she laughed like a maniac, taking out a green laser sword and smashing it into Issei's head, forcing him to the floor and starting an epic sword battle. The laser-dragon-god-killing sword, LASER ASCALON, formed from Issei's left wrist, making the swordfight a fair battle. Whenever Jessica tried to decapitate him, he would parry.

"Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, goooooood!" Issei announced, parrying twice, thrusting twice (and missing), then finishing it off with a sword spam. With the arm of Tiger Woods, he swung at Jessica's face, but she blocked it with her laser sword. It immediately shattered into light, followed by the handle and hilt disintegrating. "What time is it!?" Shouted Issei, pointing his laser-rifle-shotgun and laser-Ascalon at Jessica like Jules and Vincent from _Pulp Fiction. _But for some reason, she was still laughing maniacally. _Is this woman crazy? Oh, yeah, she's from DEM! Makes sense._

"I'll see you LATER!" she screamed, taking out another laser sword and stabbing Issei right in the chest. She was showered in blood spewed from his mouth, which she responded with a smug grin as she flew off and pulled her laser sword out of his chest. Blood poured out like the Niagra Falls as he slumped to the floor, in an expanding pool of dark red blood._ Darn it, I'm gonna die! AGAIN! DEM A-SHOLES! Great.. Asia-Chan! Oh, jeez, I love you! I love you, Asia, Rias, Akeno, Koneko, Xenovia, Kotori, mom, dad, and anybody else I missed! Except for Vali! I'm not gay! Ddraig, it was nice knowing you! _**Shut up! You're going to live, partner. Don't let a crummy, made-in-China **(I'm not being racist. A lot of great and godly products are made in China, stereotypical people.) **kill you! You're too young, partner. **All of a sudden, his balance breaker disintegrated, and so did the shield the spirit was watching helplessly from. **Since you sealed a spirit's powers, you now have her powers. This includes regeneration. **A red light filled in his wounds and completely healed them as the spirit rushed over to the dying Issei. **So wake up, Hyoudou Issei. Wake up to see the next day.**

"Oh, Jessica, you b-tch!" Moaned Issei in pain. "DEM! I'm gonna kill you arse holes!" Leaping up, he pointed at one of the unconscious, naked girls. "HEAR ME!? You're all going to pay for trying to kill (again) the RED DRAGON EMPEROR AND HIS LIVELY COMPANIONS! Oh, hello, princess!" _She's so kawaii and beautiful at the same time... she's perfect! Not only that, her armor-dress thing lets me see her nice melons! And valley! I wonder if the other spirits are like this! _"I'm Issei Hyoudou. Nice to meet you." He outstretched his hand, offering a handshake. "Princess! I want to help you." Retracting his hand and swinging it 90 degrees to the left, he announced, "You don't have to create spacequakes. Humans don't want to kill you! _I _don't want to kill you! What do I want to do? I want to... _show you the wooooorld!_" _Crap, now I wish I watched the entire movie of Aladdin! _cured Issei mentally. "Humans are not bloodthirsty, spirit-killing blokes. They're the opposite! And princess, I will show you what I mean. I will show you the wonders of HUMANITY!" **My a-s. **snickered Ddraig. **I'm surprised that worked. **_Really? It... it worked!? Man, I could be the next Winston Churchill! This is awesome! No, this is AMAZING!_

Princess looked at him with an awkward face. "So you don't want to kill me? Well, could you explain THIS!?" she pointed at the unconscious, naked girls with the broken mech suits surrounding them.

"Uh... they don't like you! But I do! If people refuse to accept you, _then I'll just accept you even more!" _Issei shouted confidently. "So, what do you say?"

"Well..." Princess looked down nervously. "I... ok! But if you try to do anything to me..." she picked up her broadsword and placed the blade against Issei's neck. "I'll kill you! Right there and then!"

"Excellent!" Issei growled pervertedly and confidently, about to explode from excitement.

_Let's begin our date!_

* * *

**Sorry for the short chapters! I'll try to make them longer, I promise!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Here it is; my attempt at a long chapter. Full of laughs (according to me) and full of fails (also according to me).  
As always, please rate and review!**

* * *

"Issei-San! What's this?" Princess pressed her face up against the glass display window of a bakery, staring straight at some baguettes. For obvious reasons, school was cancelled. The worst of the injuries were some glass shards stuck in a teacher's arm, and they couldn't continue school with broken glass in the pool, all the classrooms, and basically everywhere. As a result, they decided to call it a day and reopen school in 2 days. The city was repopulated, and in order to decrease suspicion, Princess used her powers as a spirit to change her astral dress to a Kuoh Academy girls' uniform. "It looks... delicious!"

Walking up beside her, Issei answered, "Uh... that's a baguette! Do you want to try it?" He took out his wallet as Princess ran inside, ordering 5 3-foot long baguettes. Issei paid for all of it, all freaking 3076 yen (30 dollars). _What overpriced baguettes! _mentally mumbled Issei as Princess took a small bite out of one, then ate the entire bloody thing in an ecstasy-filled bite. She had the dreamiest look on her face as she munched on the delicious French bread and inhaled the other baguettes, chewing for 5 seconds before swallowing. "HOLY BEJEZUS! Princess, don't eat so much in so little time!" Amazingly, she did not throw up or show any signs of stomach aches. She was still hungry.

"Look, Issei-San!" She ran up to a concession stand selling hamburgers, and she ordered one that was 2 feet tall. It was choked and crammed in every single available space with pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, cheese, and beef, which was all turned into mush that traveled down her esophagus in mere seconds. It was only 205 yen (2 dollars), which was good news, because he was eventually going to run out of money. Next stop was a restaurant, and the still-starving Princess burst into her doors. The doors slammed into Issei, who was unaware and checking for some spare yen. As he entered the restaurant, Princess had already ordered everything that the restaurant had to offer. _Good thing we're not going to an all-you-can-eat. _thought Issei, assisting Princess in bringing all of the food to their table.

10 minutes later...

Issei had just finished his meal, 7 minutes after Princess finished hers. "Check, please!" pleaded Issei, and when he set his eyes on the receipt the waitress set down on the table, he spewed his coke all over the table. _THIRTY THOUSAND FREAKING YEN!? (300 dollars) How much did Princess eat!? _He reluctantly gave the waitress his credit card, since he was all out of cash. _Ddraig, how can Princess eat so much and still be this hungry? What's going on?_ **Her body is burning all the excess calories so she doesn't become... obese. This allows her to eat as much as possible and receive as many nutrients as she can possibly get without the fear of becoming as fat as a pig. Spirits are amazing, no?** _...ok... so it's impossible for her to become fat? Phew! For a second there, I thought- _**Do you judge girls by their appearance, not by their character, Hyoudou Issei? **_No, no, no! I judge them on both... especially their appearance. Like Asia! She's kawaii and one of the nicest people I know! The same goes for Rias, Akeno, Xenovia, and Koneko! _**Ok... sure...**

"Arigato, Issei-San! I'm enjoying this... what do humans call it again?" asked Princess. _A few minutes ago, she used to be a cool and powerful spirit. So powerful, nobody except me could approach her. Now, she's a naive and hot as ever girl who has an obsession for food and the miraculous anti-fat bodily mechanism. _"Oh, yeah, a date! I'm enjoying this date, Issei-San!" The waitress returned his credit card with the happiest smile on her face, which Issei politely took. Standing up with Princess, they walked out the door and across the bustling street to the city's biggest arcade. It was racked across the walls in columns and columns of arcade machines, and every weekend _every single machine _would be occupied by one person. Since school was cancelled, he could see a crap load of his classmates mashing the arcade machines' buttons. "Issei-San! Look! They're so adorable! Can we try it out?" Once again, Princess pressed her face against the display window of one of the obviously rigged claw grabber machines. Sitting right there in the corner was a 5-foot long bread plushie that made Princess drool a river just by looking at it. Finding a spare (let's just say it's a US currency coin, even though this story takes place in Japan) quarter in his pocket, Issei inserted a quarter in the machine.

"Sure! Ok, uh... Princess-Chan... we're going to do this together. When I say 'now', mash that red button, ok?" Princess nodded in acknowledgement to Issei's instructions. "Good! Let's DO THIS!" He yanked the joystick to the right, and as a result, the claw also jerked to the right. "NOW!" screamed Issei, and Princess mashed the red button with the look of success about to burst out of her eyes. The claw picked the bread plushie up and slowly worked its way across the machine, to the glass hole where they could receive their prize. Unfortunately, the claw glitched and dropped the bread plushie right on the edge of the hole, where it teetered and tottered before coming to a standstill.

"FAILED B-TCHESSSSSSSS!" uttered the claw grabbing machine. Infuriated, Princess roared in rage and punched the so-called bulletproof glass display window hard enough to let a crack web lightning-fast across the window. The bread plushie teetered and fell into the glass hole, right at the trapdoor on Issei's side, who was slowly backing away from Princess in fear.

Yanking the plushie free from the machine, Princess ran up to Issei with the happiest look on her face. "Look, Issei-San! We did it! We did it we did it we did it!" She jumped up and down, hugging Issei and the plushie and overflowing with glee. Next, she ran up to one of the first-person shooter arcade machines, _Terminator: Judgement Day. _Issei inserted his credit card in one of the change machines, and it dispensed a cup full of quarters in response. He gave one to Princess, who slapped in not one, but _two _quarters, the second one she also took from Issei's cup full of money. Seeing her intention, Issei picked up the arcade machine's assault rifle to find himself in the middle of a game with Princess headshotting every single Terminator robot with a two or three round burst. She won the game, and in response, a 5-foot long belt of tickets were dispensed from it. "Let's try this one!" smiled Princess, jumping inside a _spaceship-racing _machine that simulated the movements of the spaceship the player was controlling. Once again, Issei joined her game and sat down on the seat, then lightly pulled back on the joystick. The machine immediately luched upwards as Princess crossed the finish line, tossing Issei out of the seat and over an arcade machine before he hit the floor, where he rolled to his side and threw up.

"Ugh... ok, who gave the arcade machine cocaine!?" shouted Issei, pointing to the malfunctioning arcade machine as Princess ran up to him with a truckload of prize tickets, cradling them in her arms like a baby. "That machine needs to be replaced. It tried to friggin' kill me! Ok, _seriously, _are ANY of you guys paying attention!?" He protested, standing up. It turns out everybody was too busy in their gaming session, paying no attention to the outside world. Tickets were flying out of the machines as they all scooped them up and ran straight for the prize counter, then back to resume. This was the first day off they had in the school year (not including weekends and the scarce holidays), and they were going to cherish every moment of it. "Crazy a-sed mofos... Princess-Chan! Where are you?"

"Issei-San! Over here!" shouted Princess, waving at a _Dead or Alive 4 _machine. She wanted Issei to challenge her. "Let's try this one out!" Issei couldn't possibly decline the request, because he was doing the two things he loved; going out with his girlfriend and gaming. Not only that, they were gaming _together. _Putting quarters in on both sides, they chose their characters and the machine bellowed **FIGHT! **Princess had the upper hand; KOing Issei on the first round with a punch and kick combo extra A+ spam. The next round started, and Princess's character finished off Issei's with a punch to the groin. Bursting from excitement, Princess punched a hole through the machine as the fist nearly hit Issei in the face.

"H-how about we go check out the aquarium?" suggested Issei, taking Princess by the hand and ever-so-gently pulling her out of the arcade as its customers crowded around the broken machine and as the staff prepared to find out who did it.

"Issei-San, what's an aquarium?" innocently and cutely asked Princess.

"A place with a lot of fish." answered Issei. "Come on! I heard it's a great experience for first visitors-

"REALLY?" Princess perked up with excitement and leapt on Issei's back. "What kind of fish? Grilled?"

"N-no-"

"Then what kind?" Princess started to drool with a kawaii expression. "Baked? Pan fried? Fried? DEEP FRIED!?"

Issei turned his head so the corner of his sight saw Princess's face. "You're just listing ways to cook them! An aquarium displays fish and other sea life! We've already visited, like, 4 restaurants!" He walked to the aquarium with Princess clinging on his back like a parasite, smiling all the way. _I may have the best life ever... _sighed Issei, walking up to the aquarium. "Here we are, Princess-Chan!" Hoping the DEM wouldn't show up again, Issei led Princess through the glass tunnel entrance, with all of the sea life swimming above their heads as Princess gazed in awe at the beauty of the sea.

"It's... so... beautiful!" The light shone down through the water and glass, bathing the two in blue light. "Issei-San, look! There are so many fish!" Dismounting Issei's back, she pressed her face, wearing an expression of awe, against the wall of the glass tunnel to look at two barracuda attacking each other, then to a Portugese-Man-of-War shocking the living sh-t out of a clownfish. "It-it's an arena?"

"Let's go check out this side!" nervously chuckled Issei, pulling her to the other side just as the barracuda ripped the other barracuda's head off, letting a red cloud slowly expand in the water. On the other side of the water tunnel, it had a more passive and picturesque view; a coral forest with armies and armies of fish swimming around, forming an underwater rainbow and an explosion of colors. A pufferfish swam right in front of Princess and exploded into its defensive form.

**ATTENTION. THE ORCA SHOW WILL BE COMMENCING IN 5 MINUTES. 1$ ADMISSION FOR ALL. **Alerted the intercom, clicking off. "What's an Orca show?" asked Princess in a naive manner.

"It's a show that involves Killer Whales doing flips above water and other stunts. Come on, let's go check it out! This is my first time seeing one, too!" He took Princess by the arm and led her through the lobby and down the hall, past the display windows of various exhibitions and stores. Hopefully, this wouldn't turn out like Seaworld, where the trainer would get killed, or the Orcas would turn on each other. _Watch Shamu the Second do 3 backflips in the air! _Read one of the posters. Finally, Issei led Princess through an open door and into a Colosseum-like structure, full of thousands of spectators and flashing away with their cameras as Orca whales leaped through fiery rings, swam up to use their mouths to assist their trainers in doing frontflips above the water, and jump 3 meters above the water to eat a fish one of the trainers were holding on a diving board._  
_

As well as his entire left arm.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed the trainer as the Orca swam up to him and dragged him in the water. Princess gasped in horror as gurgled cries of terror were heard, followed by what sounded like the tearing of flesh and an expanding red cloud in the water. Suddenly, a corpse was thrown out of the pool, lined with teeth marks and missing its limbs that were rather violently torn off. One of the killer whales grabbed a trainer by the head with its mouth, while another clamped down on his legs. They swam apart, splitting him in half and resulting in a freaking state of anarchy. Imagine yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theater. Now imagine the results multiplied by 100. Issei hurriedly led Princess out of the stadium, trying to avoid being trampled.

"TARGET SPOTTED." uttered one of the Orcas, with fixed wings bursting through the sides of its body. Rocket thrusters unfolded out of the wings as the Orca literally flew out of the water, headed straight for Princess. "ENGAGING TARGET WITH MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY AND LETHALITY."

"AUGH! What has DEM done now!?" Cried Issei, shoving Princess out of the way. With perfect timing, Ddraig activated the balance breaker and Ascalon at the same time, allowing Issei to duck and aim Ascalon pointed upwards. Unfortunately for the Orca, it flew right into the blade, splitting in half length-wise and showering Issei in its organs and... machinery? "Princess-Chan! Are you all rightOH CRAP!" The other Orcas flew out of the water, this time with 1 GAU-8 Avenger on each of its wings. If you wanted to hunt Boeing 747s, the GAU-8 Minigun would be your best weapon of choice. With a frickin' loud BRAAAAAP, the Orcas unleashed their peace through 3,900 rounds per minute on Issei and Princess, but unfortunately, ended killing 23 innocent bystanders in the process.

"Don't let Princess escape!" ordered a voice down the hallway, and Issei pointed his laser rifle-shotgun upwards and fired 3 times, blowing a hole in the roof and nearly missing a blue whale water tank above them. Issei took Princess's hand and flew through as the Orcas advanced up a few floors, spamming their guns with wing attachments (seriously... GAU-8s are that huge) and missing every time. As Issei and Princess ran past the blue whale exhibition, the Orcas fired away and completely shattered the glass display window. They were instantly showered in a few billion gallons of water and impaled with razor-sharp pillar-sized shards of glass. Issei and Princess reached the top of the aquarium, where Princess mounted Issei's back as he flew off to a park trail that overlooked the entire city. Luckily for them, the sun was setting and cast a lurid glow on everything.

"I hope... I hope you liked today's date..." nervously shrugged Issei as his balance breaker deactivated. "...it's not every day an Orca has wings and tries to kill you, you know?"

"I-I enjoyed it! Every single bit!" confessed Princess, grabbing Issei by the shoulders. "I never thought I'd say this... but... I think I love you, Issei-San. Please don't look down on me... I'm sorry for spending so much of your money..." Now it was Issei's turn to rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Don't worry." he smiled. "I love you too, Princess-Chan." Suddenly, Princess leaned in and planted her soft, velvet-like lips against Issei's, who returned the favor. As a result, her school uniform shone brightly and...

"AUGH!" shrieked Princess, trying to prevent her clothes from disintegrating into light. Issei had sealed her powers, adding another member to his friend group and possible _harem! _"D-don't look at me!" Just like that, Issei's morale put on a jetpack, flew out the window, and broke the speed of light barrier, zooming upwards into the heavens. He was positive that he was going to die; blood was spurting out of his nose the same way a GAU-8 spurted bullets out of its barrels. _T-this is a sight for sore eyes! I'm reaching my enlightenment! _Issei smiled like an idiot and laughed maniacally and pervertedly, basking in his pleasures. _She's so hot.. her clothes melted right off her!_

* * *

"Class, I am also _very _pleased to announce we have another _NEW _student! I'd like you to all meet miss Tohka Hyoudou! Tohka-Chan, meet your new class!" She waved not to the whole class, but instead at Issei, who waved back at her, smiling. Matsuda and Motohama were dying of a jealousy overload.

"No way in hell can that be your younger sister!" protested Motohama. "WAIT! Don't tell me... YOU'RE A PLAYBOY!" Matsuda ran up to Issei's desk and started to wring him around, choking him as Tohka ran up to defend her new best friend. "AUCK!" cried Matsuda as he flew back into his seat with insane force, resulting in him falling back and off of his chair.

"Don't bully Issei-San like that!" pouted Tohka, returning to her seat. The teacher gave an absolute number of zero f-k,s proven as he wrote down the formula for trajectory on the black board. "Issei-San, are you all right?"

"You look good in that school uniform, Tohka-Chan." admitted Issei, looking at her. _Heheh... my harem... NOBODY WILL STOP ME! Not Albion, not Vali, not the DEM, not even flyin' Orcas with machine guns!_

_I am ISSEI HYOUDOU!_

_THE RED DRAGON EMPEROR!_

_I SHALL BECOME_

_THE TRUE HAREM KING!_


	6. Chapter 5

**This story is ****_really _****popular! I'm glad you're all enjoying it! If you think I could do better, please drop a review telling me how I can improve! It seriously helps! On the other hand... thank you for reviewing! I can see great potential in this story.**

* * *

"Aahh..." Issei sighed a breath full of happiness. He was walking home with his soon-to-be harem members: the crimson haired beauty Rias Gremory, the sadistic and hot lightning queen Akeno Himejima, the kawaii former nun Asia Argento, his friend but not a harem member because-he's-straight Yuuto Kiba, the quiet and loli but powerful Koneko Toujou, former church member Xenovia, and the spirits Kotori and Tohka Hyoudou. "I finished all my homework at school today, but wait, we have a test tomorrow, right?" Kiba nodded solemnly. "Ah, darn it! Is it math?" Kiba nodded again. "SHOOT! I'm going to have to get studying!"

"Ok, good luck on tomorrow's test, Issei-Kun!" waved Kiba, departing in the direction of his home. "See you guys later!" He ran off while the rest of them waved back. _I love the walks back home... so peaceful... so serene... _smiled Kiba, walking out of the park and into his hometown, right by the coast and giving him a beautiful vie of the sunset. Just then, the exact polar opposite of sh-t hitting the fan just occurred. A hot girl he had never seen before, probably a second-year highschool student, walked right by Kiba... and_ smiled _at him! Something just didn't seem right about her, though. When was the last time he saw somebody with a right eye that has a red iris? Why was she covering up her left one? Kiba swore he saw a golden glow behind her black bangs covering her left eye, so he turned around to get a better look. And then sh-t flew up from the floor and hit the fan. 3 thugs surrounded her and led her into a nearby alleyway, and Kiba's chivalrous instincts as a knight rushed into action. _This can't be good! _he thought, ready to attack but was frozen in sheer terror when a bloodcurdling scream broke the silence._  
_

A long, red stream of blood spurted past his eyes out of the alley, then changed its direction so it stained the wall in dark red. Just then, a sickening spurting and tearing noise was heard, along with an inhumane cry of pain, and more blood was sprinkled all over the walls. Finally, he heard some words that belonged to a man. "No, no, please! I beg of you! I'm sorry nonononONONOH SH-TNOOOO!" After that, a wet CRUNCH sounded through the air, coating the walls with more blood and a pink-grayish, porridge-like substance. Cautiously peeking his head around the corner, Kiba saw the grisliest sight of his life, one so grisly he felt like he was going to throw up blood, even though he was a demon. The first corpse had its heart ripped out, ancient Aztec priest style. Another corpse had its arm ripped off, and apparently beaten to death with his own arm. Finally, the last person had his head crushed like a boiled egg, and standing over it was the girl, holding a bloody, sharp rock in her left hand.

The girl slowly turned her spasming and jerking head to Kiba, then tilted her head to the side a little bit and smiled in a yandere manner. That was it. Kiba took off, running down the street and kicking open the (locked) door to his house then slamming it behind him, panting madly and ignoring his now-broken ankle.

_What the Jesus was that all about?_

* * *

"Are you ready for the test?" Issei asked Kiba, leaning over. "Because I'm not." For reasons unknown to Issei and the others, Kiba had not spoken a single word since they saw each other. All he did was stare at the test lying on his desk with a pale face, shaking incessantly.

"Class, I have great news! Well, for the teachers." Announced the math teacher, in an unusually good mood. "As you all know, for the past few days, Kuoh Academy has been enrolling a _lot _of new students. Why? Well, it's because it turns out our school was one of the top 3 in all of Japan! I just want you all to know.. I am _incredi-freaking-bly _proud of all of you, and you should be too. As a result, we are getting _lots _of new enrollments from students eager to... oh, the heck with it. I'm sure you all know why they're signing up here. So I would like you to meet our 2 brand-new students... Miss Origami Tobiichi and Miss Kurumi Tokisaki!" Kiba looked up to see the new students and felt like he was going to have a heart attack. _AUCK! W-what's she doing here!? _Kiba's face was now completely white, not even wanting to look at Kurumi, afraid that she would kill him too in order to rid of the witnesses. "Now, who would want to show our new students around-"

"I WOULD!" Volunteered Issei, standing up immediately. "I would like to show Kurumi around the school!" Kurumi still had her same appearance: black shoulder-length hair, with bangs covering her left eye and two long twintails, both with frilled, red ribbons, and the Kuoh Academy girls' school uniform. Her smile was just as mysterious as Mona Lisa's though.

"It's a pleasure to meet all of you." Smiled Kurumi, bowing. "I am Kurumi Tokisaki and a Spirit." As soon as the word "Spirit" reached the ears of Issei, he nearly hit his head on the roof for jumping up in surprise. Kiba fell back in his chair and hit the floor, but Rias, Akeno, Koneko, Asia, and Xenovia were too busy taking the test to notice, and just nodded in acknowledgement.

"Ok, and who would like to show Miss Tobiichi around?" asked the teacher. "NobodyKIBA! After we all take the test, you will show Miss Tobiichi around. The same goes for you, Issei." Kiba nearly died of relief, his face retaining all his color as he threw his head on his desk and sighed. _Oh, thank Satan!_ thought Kiba.

Kurumi's seat was right next to Kiba's.

* * *

"RrrrrRRRGH!" growled Issei, ready to rip his hair out from pure frustration. So far, the test was as easy as cake and pie. Piecake. As easy as piecake. However, he was stuck on the last problem.

50. What is the quadratic formula?

A. x = -b plusORminus the square root of b squared minus 4*a*c / 2*a  
B. x = b plusORminus the square root of b squared minus 4*a*c / 2*a  
C. x = -b plusORminus the square root of b squared plus 4*a*c / 2*a  
D. None of the above. It is a + b = x^2 - c

_A. _Thought Issei. _It's what I hope to get on this test. _He wished, turning it in to the teacher the same time Kurumi turned in hers. "Uh... sensei?" whispered Issei. "What did I get?"

Flipping through Issei's test, the math teacher answered, "98 percent. The question you got wrong was number 48." _D-MMIT! I forgot to SUBTRACT ON BOTH SIDES! RRRRGGGHHHH! Oh, well, at least I passed! _"Oh, yeah, you can go show Kurumi-Chan around now."

"Let's go!" _YES! SCORE! Kurumi-Chan's just as hot as Tohka!_ Thought Issei, overflowing with the feeling of success. He opened the door for Kurumi, then silently closed it behind him. "So.. uh... hello, Kurumi-Chan! My name's Issei Hyoudou, and obviously I'm here to give you a tour of the school!" _Yes! I will expand my soon-to-be-harem! She will be one of my most valuable additions! _"So.. uh... let's go check out the cafeteria first! The nurse's office is right next to it." He led Kurumi up the stairs. Surprising, nobody was around, so it was just the two of them walking alone. "This is the cafeteria! Name any food, and they have it! The minimum waiting time is... like, ten minutes, but it turns out excellent! _Yes! Soon, I can lead her to the roof! Nobody would want to check out the roof, so that means we can do ANYTHING up there! _"I suggest the... not the Durian Bread... yes! The MISO RAMEN HERE IS AMAZING!"

"I see." said Kurumi. For some reason, she sounded awfully...

"Wuh?" Turning his head around, Issei saw Kurumi was leaning in so she was CENTIMETERS AWAY FROM HIS FACE. "AUgh! Uh... you okay?"

"Yeah, I was spacing out. Sorry." she apologized, still smiling. "It's hard to concentrate with such a handsome boy in front of me." _WHAAT? She said... AHAAH! This will be easier than I thought! So.. so Rias and Akeno weren't lying! Huh. Am I really that handsome? _wondered Issei. _OH WELL ON WITH THE SHOW! By the way... she has nice legs! I wonder what panties she is wearing.__  
_

"Uh... Kurumi... what panties are you wearing?" _OH SH-T! I BOTCHED IT! WHY THE H-LL DID I LET THAT SLIP! OH F-K OOOOOOH F-KKKKKKK! I'M F-CKED! God d-mnit, I really need to suppress your thoughts! Seriously, I. Am. F-ked. _"EEuuuhh... SORRY! Ahaha... I didn't mean to say that! Sorry. So.. heheh... uh... yeah, I'm screwed, aren't I." he facepalmed.

"...my panties?" she asked innocently. "Would you like to take a peek?" Issei slapped himself in the face.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't mind if it's you..." she purred, leading him to a dark section of the hallway. _HOOOH SH-T! WAKE THE F UP! No, this is REAL! YesyesyeyseysysyeysyeyyseyesyyyyyES! Oh my god YES! Hah! I- MY NOSE! NOOOOOO- _blood started to trickle slowly out of his nose as her hands reached her skirt and slowly crawled up. _T-this is heaven! No, wait, I'm a devil! This is hell! Uh.. I mean... this is AWESOME! _Ddraig claimed, **I have the best host ever.** Soon, Issei could faintly see the outline of her-_  
_

"MMPPPPHHHHH!" Issei snorted. Blood spurted out of his nose, the same way Kiba saw Kurumi dismembering the thugs trying to do bad things to her. "I-I'm sorry.. please... if I see them... I'm going to die of blood loss..." he plugged his nose shut with his fingers as Kurumi just giggled. "S-So whad did you mean whed you said you were a spirit? Is that a nickname they gave you?" he wondered.

"You don't have to play dumb with me... _Issei Hyoudou." _She giggled. "I know you. You know every single thing about the spirits... and ever since I heard about you, My. Hyoudou... I have been longing to get closer with you... to be..." she was now centimeters away from him... "alone with you-"

"**ISSEI, YOU B-TCH!**" Roared Matsuda and Motohama, grabbing Issei by the collar and spinning him around, then Falcon-Punching him in the face and increasing the intensity of his bloody nose. "Y-you betrayed us, man!" sobbed Matsuda. "H-how could you? First, you had Rias. We were shocked. The whole _academy _was stunned. Then, somehow, you now have Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Xenovia, Tohka, Kotori, and probably THE NEW STUDENTS! What's your secret? BETRAYING BACKSTABBER!" Matsuda and Motohama returned to their classes, leaving Issei still recovering from their Falcon Punches.

"Ugh... Kurumi... mmph..." choked out Issei, plugging his nose again. "Sorry about that... my frieds are extrebely jealous ob me... ugh..." He slowly got to his feet. "Well, uh-"

"Issei-San." Declared Kurumi. "You are a genuinely interesting man." _Huh. Why does that sound familiar?_ thought Issei. "I want to get to know you better."_  
_

"OH I KNOW!" Issei ignored his bloody nose and let it run, driven by one of his epiphanies. "I know the _perfect _way to get to know each other better!"

Unfortunately, that was not Kurumi's true intent.

It was something else.

Something...

* * *

"Kotori... why do I need this again?" It was a Saturday, 9:58 AM at the city's central square, next to the waterfall. Issei had successfully arranged a date with Kurumi, and thus he WAS A FEW STEPS CLOSER! To incorporating a new harem member! However, Kotori had an idea that would shorten the number of steps and assist Issei in sealing spirits' powers. Since he helped Kotori, it was only fair that she helped him back. Putting the earpiece in his ear, Issei reiterated the question.

"Ugh... okay, I'm going to be watching you." Sighed Kotori. "Don't ask me how. I will be observing you and Kurumi on your date, and I will tell you _what _to do, _what _to say, and _where _to go. With the help of everybody playing a dating sim, I will guide you through this date like a dating simulator. The program I am using..." Kotori motioned to her smartphone, "it combines the polls of what players are choosing when they are playing their dating sims. It's like voting for a president, except they don't know they're voting. Got it?" Issei nodded. "Good. Here comes Kurumi! Good luck, and one more thing..." She took out aviators and put them on. "...let's begin our date." She walked off into a nearby cafe, just as Kurumi showed up.

"Ohayo, Issei-San." greeted Kurumi, who approached him from behind. After a brief heart attack, Issei spun around.

"AH! Oh, hello, Kurumi-Chan! How are you today?"

"Great... you?" she asked.

"Better than ever!" Grinned Issei. "Ok, uh... where do you want to go?"

"Where do _you _want to go?" Kurumi rebounded the question like a pro.

"Hmm..." Kurumi was collecting the results on her computer as she took the lollipop out of her mouth. "Lingerie store?" She asked incredulously, accidentally hitting the "transmit" button in the process.

Issei heard everything. He finally worked up the courage to say, "Uh... I was thinking... the lingerie store?"

"NO! Baka BAKA!" chastised Kotori. "You have to WAIT for my confirmation, Onii-Chan! Quick, cover it up! Change the subjec-"

"Sure, I don't mind." Kurumi took a bewildered Issei by the hand and led him to the nearby lingerie store, which was in the supermarket.

* * *

"Look, Issei-San!" Kurumi walked in as Issei held open the door for her. In one second, his jaw hit the floor. Garterbelts. Laced bras. Freaking string bras. This store had _everything. _"There are so many..." she ran over to pick up a green and blue set. "Which one do you think will look better on me?"

Kotori, however, received some interesting results from the millions of dating simulation players. "Interesting... I guess it's worth a shot. ISSEI-SAN!" She yelled, hitting the transmit button on her computer (that she apparently modified). "Let's see how bold Kurumi is _and _how she will look with that lingerie the mannequin next to Kurumi is wearing." Issei looked behind Kurumi to see a mannequin wearing...

"I was thinking... that one." Issei pointed over Kurumi's shoulder to the set of lingerie the mannequin was wearing. Kurumi nodded and walked into the changing room after she removed the lingerie on the clothing. _I better prepare my nose for this! _Issei braced for impact.

"How do I look?" Kurumi asked, opening the changing room's door to reveal her wearing nothing but a black, laced garterbelt and a black, laced bra. The cashier looked over and had a nosebleed. A 5-year old who was walking by and looked through the windows had a nosebleed. The security guard watching the surveillance cameras had a nosebleed. Kotori had a nosebleed. But Issei was praying that the rapidly expanding pool of blood on the floor would not be permanent. Issei laughed manaically and like a pervert at the same time, his nosebleed reaching critical conditions.

"It... looks... great..." He said with blood spurting out of his nose, then moved his hand to his nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. "AAHH! So... so much blood! With a final spurt through his fingers, he successfully tamed the red raging river. "W-why don't we head over and eat lunch now?" He suggested, turning away so he wouldn't die of blood loss. Kurumi disappeared once again in the changing room, reemerging with her clothes on and walked to the counter with the black laced lingerie set in her hands. A minute later, she met up with Issei outside the store's doors just as the janitor appeared. "Come on... let's get out of here before the janitor finds me!" Issei hurriedly spedwalk with Kurumi to the nearest restaurant, where he opened the door for her. "Ok, so... what do you want?"

"Oh, not much... just spaghetti and salad..." said Kurumi.

"Ok, then. I'll have whatever you have." Grinned Issei._  
_

"THERE SHE IS! NIGHTMARE!" Shouted one of the DEM troopers, who suddenly burst in the room and fired her pistol 3 times in the air. Soon, 10 more DEM troopers poured in as the women got ready to pick up chairs and throw them at the DEM soldiers while the men had simultaneous, perverted nosebleeds. "DON'T LET HER ESCAPE!" Issei groaned and facepalmed, then slowly turned around to face the DEM.

Issei argued in his best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice, "This isn't the spirit you're looking for! Leave us alone, we're just trying to have lunch- AH!" All of a sudden, the barrel of a .50 Desert Eagle was pressed up to his forehead by none other than... Jessica!

"OOOoooooh crap." Kotori let her jaw drop in shock.

"Say that again. SAY! THAT! AGAIN!" Jessica pressed the barrel against his head _so hard _it started to bleed. "I dare you, I double dare you, you motherf-ker, say 'this isn't the spirit you're looking for' one more godd-mn time!"

Groaning, Issei held up his left forearm, and in a flash of green light, Jessica flew back with unusual power. The light disappeared, revealing Issei in his...MARK XVII EXOSUIT RED DRAGON MISSILE LAUNCHING SHOTGUN LASER RIFLE DRAGON SLAYING LASER SWORD SUPER GODLY OVERPOWERED BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL! "I'm giving you THREEEE seconds to run!" Smirked Issei, pointing his laser-shotgun-rifle at Jessica. "One..." One of the DEM soldiers nervously stepped back. For some reason, DEM Industries employed highschool girls for their general soldier force. "DOS... last chance..." Jessica took out her laser sword. "THRES! Let's commence the SWORD FIGHTING! En garde, b-tch!" Yelled Issei intimidatingly, summoning laser Ascalon and blocking Jessica's decapitation swing. "Parryparryparryparryparryparryparryparryparrythustparry MAN, are you predictable!" Remarked Issei, effortlessly parrying Jessica's swings. All of a sudden, Kurumi shone bright red and reemerged in... her spirit form! It consisted of her same hairstyle, except her left eye was revealed. She now wore a black and red gothic lolita frilled dress, black frilled cuffs, and a red frilled headband, as well as a holster for a flintlock rifle and flintlock pistol.

"Ara, ara. Were you planning to have so much fun without me? Ufufufufufu..." Giggled Kurumi, then raised her right hand, and thanks to the tall roof, she had enough space to summon a giant, golden old-fashioned clock behind her. "Issei-San, do you think they will try to send in more flying Orcas?"

"WHOA! Kurumi-Chan, since you're a spirit... what exactly is your power?" Asked Issei, looking away from the swordfight but still managing to block each of Jessica's fruitless and fatal (if they landed) swings. "I'm guessing it's time?"

"Not only that... shadows." Grinned Kurumi deviously, summoning ten shadowy holes in the floor. Out of them rose KURUMI CLONES, dual-wielding flintlock pistols and shooting them gangster-style at the DEM troopers. "Now that this is a fair fight, it's time for me to demonstrate my powers. Issei-San, observe carefully." She aligned her flintlock pistol to the 1 on the clock like an hour hand, and a shadowy mist flew out of it and into the barrel. She... shot herself in the head, but she was unaffected... or so it seemed. She was gone in a split second, and an invisible force sent Jessica skidding across the floor, the Kurumi reappeared in front of her clock. "It's not invisibility, rather I-"

"So... whenever you aim your gun at the 1, then... then whoever you shoot with it speeds the target up? Since you can manipulate time?" Issei thought. "That's AWESOME! Can you do it to me?" Kurumi nodded, then aimed her flintlock rifle at the 1, then shot Issei in the face with it. It was amazing; he had the speed and reflexes of a cat injected with heroin, and combined with his power as the Red Dragon Emperor, he Falcon Punched Jessica in the gut, sending her flying into the wall. Unfortunately, it wore off just as Issei was welling up another Falcon Punch. "Aw... come on! I was just having fun. Hey, Ddraig, do you know what would spice this up?"

**I can read what your mind says. **Said Ddraig. **You want to... sing?**

"I see the little silhouetto of a man..." Issei sang just as Jessica was recovering.

**Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?  
Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening!  
GALILEO Galileo GALILEO Galileo Galileo figaro magnificOOOOooooooo**

"I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me..."

**He's just a poor boy from a poor family  
****Spare him his life from this monstrosity**

"Easy come, easy go, will you let me go-"

**BISMILLAH NO! We will not let you go!  
LET HIM GO! Bismillah! We will not let you go!  
LET HIM GO! Bismillah! We will not let you go!**

"Let me go!"

**WILLNOTLETYOUGO**

"Let me go!"

**WILLNOTLETYOUGO**

"Let me GOOOoooOOOooooOOOOooooooo!"

**NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!**

"Oh mamma mia mamma mia-"

**Mama mia let me gooo!**

"Beezlebub has a devil put aside for meeee,"

**For meeee...**

"**For meeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Jessica tried to leap up and swing her laser sword at Issei, who easily dodged it as if it was a water balloon. "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY FACE! Or was it eye? Darn it, I don't know the rest of this song! Wait, what's the name of this song?" **Seriously, Hyoudou Issei, are you kidding me? How can you memorize the best part of _Bohemian Rhapsody _but not know the name of the song?** Sighed Ddraig in disappointment. **Oh, w****ell. You're good at singing. **"Hey, Ddraig, I didn't know you could sing like that." Smirked Issei, calmly dodging one of Jessica's swings. "Should I end this now?" **YES! I'm sick and tired of this match already. **Pleaded Ddraig. **WELSH DRAGON OVERBOOSTER! **Issei was now filled with so much power he felt like he could pick up the Earth and throw it at the sun. Lunging to Jessica, he touched her on the shoulder and leapt back as soon as he saw the magic circle appear on the same spot, then fade away. **Dress... BREAK! **Uttered Ddraig, and Issei victoriously snapped his fingers. Jessica's mech armor immediately broke into prices and flew everywhere like a wet dog shaking itself. "WHAT TIME IS IT?" Issei asked with a crazed expression on his face as Jessica screamed in terror.**  
**

"Retreat." Jessica hesitantly growled, then got a spare mech suit from one of the girls and flew off with them.

"Good!" Issei's balance breaker unfolded to reveal his nose spurting out blood. "W-why is my life so good!? Am I going to die soon? Is there an exception? Something to balance it out?" **Probably. Since you're the Red Dragon Emperor, AKA my host, there are a lot of people out there that want you dead. However, a lot of those people _can't _make you dead, because 1. They're human, and 2. Humans can't do sh-t to demons.**"Well, then how did Jessical- I'm calling her JessiCAL now- nearly kill me?" **Well... she's a wizard. The mech suits don't integrate technology; they integrate magic'd technology, but fortunately for you, as long as you don't absorb machines that run purely on magic, your life won't be cut every time you integrate technology into the balance breaker. **"Oh, ok. THIS. IS. AWESOME HAHAHAHA!" However, his awesome day turned into a bad one when Kurumi decided to reveal her true intentions.

"Issei-San..." Soon, Issei found the barrel of a flintlock pressed against his forehead. "...do you know why I'm doing this?" Before Issei could slap it out of her hand like a pro, one of the Kurumi clones sped up its own time and started to strangle Issei with its flintlock rifle.

"AUCK!" choked out Issei, trying to re-activate balance breaker. Ddraig wasn't responding for some unknown reason. "W-why? Owowow, that hurts! Please! STOP!" He tried elbowing the Kurumi clone away, but it responded by kicking Issei in the balls, with only his pants and boxers protecting him. They felt like they were just smashed by Thor's hammer.. with STUDS! "AH ok ok ok ok!"

"I want to do all of you a favor." Kurumi walked over to a table where a terrified man was hiding under. She shot him in the face with her flintlock pistol, giving the underside of the table something that was pink like gum but stickier and wetter. "You see... the reason why I'm here... why Tohka, Kotori, and the other spirits are here, the reason why so many have died and why the spacequakes are commencing... don't blame me. Don't blame us. Blame the one that started it all. The _First Spirit. _By gaining your powers, Issei-San... your demonic dragon powers and the ones you got from sealing Tohka's and Kotori's spirit powers... I want to use those so I can go back in time and kill the first spirit. That way, none of this would be happening-" All of a sudden, a wall of flames rose out of the floor, and standing where the flames once were was Kotori back in her spirit form. This time, she didn't have a fiery staff... but a freaking battle axe of fire!

"Don't you think that's enough, Kurumi-San?" Smirked Kotori. "Onii-Chan, what have you done now? I thought I ordered you to follow my instructions!"

"Sorry, but... you didn't give me any!" Protested Issei.

**THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING VERY VERY FR-**

"Be quiet!" Issei snapped. "I'm kind of busy right now, if you noticed."

**Sorry. **Apologized Ddraig. **Well, let's just hear what she has to say, and then we'll decide what to do next. Hyoudou Kotori...! Are you positive whatever plan you have in mind will work? If you want to kill her, I have to say... well, good luck with that.**

"Nope! I insist that Kurumi... and all of her clones... must be sponged, purged, and if need be, incinerated from the surface of Earth!" After Issei learned she was ripping off Churchill, Kotori lunged forwards, easily dodging Kurumi's wild shooting. With one swing of her fire axe, Kurumi disappeared and reappeared behind her, where she fired a bullet at the back of her head, where it bounced off. From there, it degenerated into a vicious cat fight with only the hands and razor sharp nails as the weapons.

"LADIES! Ladies!" Issei ran up and separated the two, pushing them apart as they glared at each other. "You're both beautiful, now let's settle this the formal way! Kurumi-" A flintlock barrel was pressed up to his head, and the fire axe was readied at Kurumi's neck. "Ok... why do you want me dead? So you can take my powers and go back in time to kill the first spirit... so none of this is happening? Well, I'm sure you don't know the ALTERNATIVE!" He took on a heroic pose. "Why don't _I _go back in time, find the first spirit, and have her fall in love with me? Unless it's a he. Then I'll have to send Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, or Xenovia back in time. But anyways... until I... yes, I, Kurumi... I will be doing you a favor. Until I gain enough power... no more killing, okay? If you kill innocent bystandersAAAUUUGGGHH NO!" Kurumi giggled as she shot an innocent bystander in the face, blowing up his head like a frozen bottle of coke.

"How did you know that?" She purred. "It also expands my lifetime. Personally, I've killed over 10,000 humans. Not including spacequake victims."

"OK! No. More. Killing!" Declared Issei, snatching the pistol out of her hand and tossing it aside, where it misfired and accidentally killed _another _person. "Whoops. Sorry about that." He apologized, turning around to face the rest of the people. "Anyways... the pen is mightier than the sword! Except in this case, the kiss is mightier than the gun. Well, maybe not literally. But it's a quote, so _figuratively! _The kiss is _figuratively _mightier than the gun! Do you get my drift? If you want to do humanity a favor, do _me _a favor by not killing anybody. Then I'll do _you _a favor by using my powers to go back in time to find the first spirit and seal her powers, and maybe all the other spirits will have their powers sealed as well." He held out his hand to Kurumi, offering a handshake. "DealWAUGH!" All of a sudden, Kurumi grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him in until he was 9 millimeters away from her face. "Uh... Kurumi-Chan? Are you spacing out again?"

"Deal." Agreed Kurumi, pulling him in for a kiss.

* * *

**Like. A. BOSS! I wonder why this never happened in the anime. Then again, the main character is not a demon, the Red Dragon Emperor, is extremely powerful, a pervert, and has sheer awesomeness in pretty much everything he sets out to do.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Please rate and review! I'm expecting more constructive reviews so this story can turn out better... or... be awesomer.**

* * *

Flashback!

"WHAAAAAAA!?" Issei was positive he was going to die. He was on top of Kurumi, whose clothes were disintegrating into light. Blood was flying out of his nose like the collapse of the Three Gorges Dam in _World War Z._ "Y-your oppai are pressing against my chest!" He needed, like, the freaking Hoover Dam to block the blood spurting out of his nose that was painting Kurumi's neck and sternum red. However, she didn't seem to mind at all. The life was draining out of his nose... and soon... he was going to...

* * *

"Yesterday..." Issei sighed in his bed, looking at his alarm clock.  
4:30 AM.  
"Yesterday was a memorable day. A day that shall not be forgotten. The past few days shall not be forgotten. They will live on forever..." Issei leapt up in his bed, clutching the alarm clock and nearly crushing it, "...IN MY MIND! As well as the mental pictures I saved... heheheheAHAHAHAHA!" Since it was a Sunday, he felt like it was a day to have Herculean amounts of fun, but first, he needed to sleep in 3 more hours. However, before he could drift off to sleep again, his bedroom door was slammed open and jolted Issei 100% awake. "HOLY SH-T!" He shrieked, jumping up and accidentally banging his head on the lamp above his head.

"Issei-San..." Just then, Tohka appeared around the corner, crawling on all fours similar to a baby. She was holding something in her mouth that looked like a... a pass of some sort. Crawling up to Issei's bed, she stared at him with the slip still being held by her lips, but Issei just looked at her confusingly.

"Good morning, Tohka-Chan, uh... why do you have that in your mouth?" Issei asked. Seeing her plan wasn't working, Tohka put the pass between her oppai and crawled up on his bed so she was over him, with the pass and therefore her chest right in front of his face. "O-OPPAI!" Exclaimed Issei in joy, getting _another _bloody nose.

"Um... Issei-San..." Asked Tohka nervously, "...would you mind going out with me on a date today?" _Hmm... _thought Issei, still staring at her. _If any of the others see me, they may get jealous and do god knows what! Wait, god's dead, so... they might do who knows what!_

Issei had an epiphany. "Why don't we all go together?!" He suggested, taking the slip, a pass for two for an amusement park, out of her oppai and setting it on his nightstand. "Why don't we all go to the beach? The more, the merrier!"

"...ok!" Agreed Tohka, beaming. "When should we go? 10:00 AM? Ok, it's decided! We'll head for the beach at 10:00 AM!" Tohka ran out of the room, leaving Issei in confusion. _...ok... 10:00 AM it is! _Assuming Tohka was going back to sleep, he kicked the covers off of his bed, ran straight into the bathroom and forgot to lock the door behind him. Since it was a Sunday, Issei decided to F the shower and take a bath instead. It was, like, 11 years since he last took one. Turning on the faucet and filling up the bathtub with hot water, Issei leapt in and immediately froze in terror when he heard a voice outside.

"Time for my daily morning wash!" Annoucned Tohka, throwing off her pajamas as she ran in. _OH CRAP! Nonono, please take a shower and not a bath! Wait... the bath IS the shower! Oh FUUUUU- _Soon, he saw a blurry figure above the water that slowly smashed in the bathtub, splashing water everywhere. Tohka obviously realized something was amiss below the bubbles (yes, Issei prepared a bubble bath... BECAUSE HE CAN!), and was the first to emerge from the water as she looked down in confusion. Issei slowly rose out, his face flustered red as his eyes widened, blood spurting out. A red cloud slowly expanded in the water as Tohka just stared at him in shock.

"Eh... eheh... good morning, TohkaBLUBUBUBBLLBLBLUUBB!" Gurgled Issei. Before he got the chance to finish, he sunk below the waves as two powerful arms were placed on his head, forcing it under the water.

"STAY LIKE THAT, PERVERT!" She screamed.

* * *

"So... did you like breakfast?" Asked Issei, walking to the beach with his soon-to-be harem, which consisted of Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Xenovia, Kotori, Tohka, Kurumi, and finally (not a member of his harem because he's not gay), his friend Kiba. It was 11:34 AM, and the skies were cloudless. If if couldn't get any better, the weather was a perfect 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Unfortunately, the beach was crowded to the point where the only spaces to rest on were the parking lot, under the pier, right next to the sharp rocks that you would be washed into if the tide was high, or close to the water line. "'Cause I'm not very good at cooking."

"It was... quite delectable." said Kurumi, putting on silver aviators and looking awesome.

"I second Kurumi's statement!" Agreed Asia. Issei tripped over a rock but recovered by somersaulting and standing back up as if nothing happened.

"OOOHHHHH Did you guys just SEE THAT!?" He screamed in victory, pointing at the rock and back at him. "I freaking tripped over it but somersault recovered like a pro! Come on, surely one of you saw that, right?" They all looked at each other, then at Issei and shrugged. "Anybody...? Aw, DARN IT!" Issei facepalmed and resumed walking, the weight of the umbrella pushing itself further into Issei's shoulder. Soon, they could see the mile-long stretches of white sand, dotted out by thousands of people all suntanning, playing around in the sand, swimming, surfing, or just having cookoffs. It looked like the exodus to the promised land, except nobody was moving.

"'Sup." Said a dangerously familiar voice. Whipping around, he saw a man in his 40s with blond and black hair. It was Azazel, Govenor of the Fallen Angels and a bada-s mofo. He had a bada-s personality, bada-s balance breaker, bada-s response to everything, WAS the true manifestation of "bada-s" itself.

"A-A-A-A-AZAZEL WHAT the _heck_ are you doing here?" Kiba asked in confusion. "I thought you were-"

"No, I wasn't." Interrupted Azazel, smiling slipping on his aviators... like a bada-s. "You see... to commemorate the official treaty between the angels, _fallen _angels, and of course, the devils... I decided to host a massive beach party where everybody's invited. Did you not know of this... exciting event?"

Rias looked at her peerage and shook her head. "I'm afraid not."

"Well, if you want to," Azazel continued his solitary walk to the beach, with a surfboard under his arm, "...you're free to join." All of a sudden, he whipped around and pointed a shaky finger at Tohka, then moved it to Kotori and Kurumi. "ARE THOSE SPIRITS? AUGH! KILL THEM!" He shouted with fear.

"Calm down, dude!" Chuckled Issei. "Don't worry, I sealed their powers!"

"So you..." Azazel suddenly calmed down. "Ah, sorry about that. So, Hyoudou Issei! How does it feel to be a man now?"

"No, no," Rias said with a flustered face, "you've got the wrong idea."

Laughing, Azazel walked off. "Oh, well. See you guys later."

* * *

"YES!" Issei got the umbrella and impaled it into the sand floor like the flag raisers mounting the replacement flag on Iwo Jima. "Finally! A perfect spot! YUS!" He grabbed the rolled up beach carpet thingy and grabbed one side of it, then flipped it in the air and laid it in the shade of the umbrella. However, Kurumi tackled Issei into a pre-dug hole, where Rias, Akeno, Asia, Xenovia, Koneko, Kotori, and Kurumi filled it in with sand, leaving Issei's head the only thing sticking out of the sand like a golf tee.

"Don't bully Issei-San like that!" Pouted Tohka, throwing off her clothing to reveal her in her beach getup. "Issei-San, are you all right?"

"Yes OH GOSH! KIBA!" Two watermelons were placed on the floor, one on the right side of his head and the other on the left side of his head. Kiba summoned his Holy-Demonic sword, but Xenovia was already inspecting her Durandal broadsword. "XENOVIA! What the heck is wrong with you?!"

"When I said all angels, fallen angels, and devils are invited," Azazel stood over Issei, "I meant _everybody _at the beach here is either an angel, a fallen angel, or a devil. Excluding your 3 friends over here." Xenovia and Kiba swung down, and to Tohka's horror, a red, viscous liquid flew up in response and all over Issei's face. "Want a taste?" Azazel pulled Issei out of the sand with only one hand (rhym'd like a boss) and offered him a slice.

"Knights are CRA-ZY!" Remarked Issei, glaring at Kiba and Xenovia as he took a bite of the watermelon. "Hey, it doesn't taste that bad! Wait... don't tell me you...?"

"Yeah, we used magic so it tastes better." Admitted Kiba. "...it turns out the watermelon was moldy-"

"MMPPPPHHHTTTT!" Issei looked at the split watermelon to see mold growing out of it. He spat out the seeds like a GAU-8 Avenger in the hole, then looked at the slice he ate with terror. A maggot crawled out of a hole, one of the millions writhing around it. "EUGH!" He threw it aside, where it got incinerated. That's right, _incinerated. _"Wha-!" He turned around to see... Riser Phenex and his family. "RISER! Hey, Riser, what's the big deal? You nearly burnt me there!"

"Well," complained Riser, jabbing a finger at the younger devil, "_you _nearly KILLED me! If you throw Holy Water on a demon, it stings like pouring salt on a hornet sting. But YOU! You used your boosted gear to boost its powers... and it STUNG LIKE LAVA!" He formed a massive fireball and lunged it in Issei's direction, but instead, it struck a fire pit with a raw bull, an American bull, hanging on a rotating, metal pit. It was completely cooked. "You do that again, and I'll kill you! For real!"

"You try to take Rias again and I'll kill you! FOR. REAL!" Declared Issei, crossing his arms and smiling defiantly. "And I thought this was for dinner...?"

"Nah, bra." Said Azazel in an American surfer accent. "The demons hunted too many in the underworld, so we're going to have a massive cook-off from midday to evening. Anyways **LET'S PAR-TAY!**" Cheers broke out like the game _Flappy Bird, _and that's when the _real _party started. Music was blaring through the air, but Azazel and some other angels, fallen angels, and demons had a different idea; surf until a shark ate somebody.

"Issei-San! What's this?" Tohka and Kurumi were crouching and observing a clear, jelly-like dome sticking out of the sand, roughly the size of her head. It jiggled (that sounded wrong) as Tohka poked it with a stick. "It looks like jell-o!" Issei glanced in their direction and took off in a second.

"BACK!" HE screamed. "JELLYFISH!" Fearing Tohka and Kurumi getting shocked, he kicked it like Victor Valdes in the football team FC Barcelona. Unfortunately, Issei kicked it right as it spasmed its tentacles, shocking the living hell out of him. "AAUUGUUGUAUUAUGUHHH Mother F-KING jellyfish!" He shouted, activating his boosted gear and punching it to oblivion.

Kotori slowly laid on her stomach and called to Issei. "ONII-CHAN!" She shouted in annoyance. "Would my beloved onii-chan please rub some sunscreen on my back? Please? Pretty pleeeeeeeease-" Issei hauled it there in a second, squirting a large blob on his hands and spreading it on her back. _It feels... so... softAUGH! What's that!? _Tohka decided to apply sunblock on Issei's back as well, but not with her hands.

"...I learned this from one of our classmates..." Tohka was spreading sunscreen on Issei's back! With! Her! CHEST! "Does it feel good, senpai?" Issei was accidentally mixing blood secreted from his nose with the sunscreen on Kotori's back. But to make matters even better, Kurumi also wanted senpai to notice her. So instead, she tackled Issei and proceeded to do the same... EXCEPT ON HIS FRONT SIDE!

"Ara, ara, getting creative, aren't we? Ufufufufufu..." giggled Kurumi, rubbing sunscreen up and down his chest with _her _chest. A long burst of blood sprayed out of his nose the same way Psy spat out water from his mouth in a certain music video. "My, Issei. You sure are perverted, aren't you?" Tohka flipped Issei on the side, so he could be rubbed on both sides simultaneously. Next, Tohka decided to put more of the moves she learned from her classmates at school into use by licking Issei's neck.

"Don't go too far." Chuckled Azazel as he walked by, who had a new hairstyle of yellow seaweed hanging like dreadlocks from his head. "The poor boy will die of blood loss." Kotori just turned her head to the left and nearly choked on her lollipop just from looking at her beloved onii-chan having sunscreen applied by her two competitors.

"ISSEI-KUN!" Exclaimed Asia, blushing madly. Rias, who was with Asia, looked like she was ready to kill somebody, but Akeno just giggled at the knowledge of two more fighting over Issei. "I-I can make you feel good too!" She proceeded to spread sunscreen _in his face _with her chest, but was stopped by Issei, who held up his hand. If it continued, he was going to pass out from blood loss.

He slowly stood up. "Uh.. thanks, Tohka-Chan and Kurumi-San, but I'll do the rest myself." **Hyoudou Issei. If that continued any longer, you would have not passed out. You would have _died. _Now go plug your nose and shed your pervertedness.** "Yeah, and that's going to be _so _easy." He said sarcastically. "Oh, man, check out those _fallen angels!" _He grinned perversely, checking out sunbathing fallen angels. "Akeno was right. Fallen angels _are _hot! But the angels and devils are _EVEN HOTTER!_"

"...including me?" Wondered a strikingly familiar person behind him. It was his childhood friend, IRINA SHIDOU!

"Uah?" Issei turned around. "Oh, uh, hi, Irina-San! I didn't know you were here! And, yes, that includes you!" He smirked, checking her out and saving a few mental pictures. "Heh... heh... heh..." All of a sudden, gray clouds plaged the clear sky, and lightning struck on Issei's head. "OW! Curse you, ZEUS! Jeez... friggin' hurlin' lightning bolts everywhere!" And that's when the situation turned awkward; in a flash of lightning, two spirits were having a dramatic face-off with each other, floating in the air and staring at each other. They were both physically identical; the way their orange hair shone as the lightning struck the water and their blue eyes stared at each other was the same.

One of the spirits had a purple dress that consisted of purple arm warmers, purple short shorts, purple stockings, purple straps that held all of it together nicely and also acted as the bra, and finally, a skirt that revealed her legs. For some reason, she wore a purple collar with chains and a lock on it, as well as a metal cuff on her right wrist. One would call it a purple sexy masochistic dress. This spirit, though, had a defiant, smiling face. Her hair had two long (chest length) locks at the sides of her head that were styled into corkscrews at the ends.

The other spirit had the same getup, except instead of a skirt, she had a cape and her clothing was blue. She had a monotone expression, the same hairstyle, and a metal cuff on her right hand instead of her left. "Question. How many times has it been now?" She asked.

"25 wins for me, 25 wins for you, and 49 draws!" Declared the other girl with gusto. "But I don't get it. We've challenged each other to battles. Chess matches. Boxing matches. Counter-Strike: Source matches. Racing matches. Swimming matches. Hell, we even tried _reading _matches. AND IT always ends up the same; I win, but then you win the next match, or you win one match, then I win the other match. OR it just ties out. Either way, none of us are winning!"

"Interesting." Rias summoned her book and flipped through numerous pages. "Ah, here we are! The spirit known as Yamai. She was originally one being, but sometime in the past, when she was traveling between worlds, they split into two personalities. One... is Kaguya Yamai, the livelier one, and Yuzuru Yamai, the more... mature twin. HOWever, they have been competing numerous times for... a century now! They have to match each other 100 times, and if one of them wins, the she becomes the true Yamai and the other... dies. Well, Issei-Kun, you know what to do, don't you?" She asked. Unfortunately, he probably wouldn't have the chance.

"THE BEZERKER TWINS!" All of a sudden, the clouds cleared to reveal hundreds of DEM soldiers.

"Ok, seriously? You're going overkill now." Facepalmed Issei. Azazel stepped forwards and looked at Issei.

"Don't worry, my friend! The treaty is a treaty." Almost immediately, all of the angels, fallen angels, and devils morphed into their combat forms and grew their wings. Spears, axes, swords, and a gun or two were readied as they flew up into the air, ready for action. "Oh? What's that? Don't kill them? Ok, then. We'll just hold them off while you confront the Bezerker twins." And so, the sky was ablaze with explosions as the battle between the two forces commenced. Kaguya and Yuzuru looked at the battle unfolding above them, then immediately looked at the deserted beach with only Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Xenovia, Kiba, Tohka, Kotori, Kurumi, and Issei.

"Question." Asked Yuzuru in her monotone voice. "There is _one _thing we didn't try out yet, right?" Kaguya looked at Yuzuru and evilly nodded, then both of them looked at Issei with glowing eyes, fueled by their plans.

_It's time for some fun._


	8. Chapter 7

**I do not read the light novels. So that also means I will not include any new spirits in the light novels, because I'm STUCK ON DATE A LIVE 2 EPISODE 9! When a new spirit comes out, I will add that spirit to the story.**

* * *

"Unit 01, all systems check, over!"  
"Unit 02, all systems check, over!"  
"Unit 03, all systems check, over!"  
"Unit 04, all systems check, over!"  
"Unit 05, all systems check, over! All Bandersnatch units report fully functional, over!" Jessica looked down the transparent-titanium floor of the dropship she was observing the trap from, along with 49 other DEM operatives. "No way in hell will they be able to escape our new prototypes! Just imagine what would happen if we deployed, like, _50 _of them."

"Uh..." One of the DEM girls glanced at Jessica and back at the floor. "I don't know if you've noticed already, but the targets are being engaged." She pointed past the floor to the unfolding scene below. Issei activated his balance breaker, decapitating one of the Bandersnatch units with his laser-Ascalon sword. Next, Koneko kicked Unit 05 in half, Rias used her powers of destruction to disintegrate unit 02, and Akeno summoned a ball of lightning that was soon in Unit 03's face. However, Unit 01 tried to fly back into the invisible dropship. A lightning spear, thrown by Akeno, was stuck in its face, and so it exploded into millions of pieces.

* * *

"What the h-ll were _those _things?" Akeno pointed at the decapitated Bandersnatch unit as the dropship started to become visible. "Was it... DEM Industries?" It was about 5 hours after the beach party, where the angels, demons, and fallen angels won the battle. Both sides suffered no deaths, and the worst injury was a broken knee on the DEM side. Now that the majority returned to heaven, the underworld, and where else, there was nothing left to do, so Azazel decided to call it a day. The Yamai twins _did _have a battle, but it wasn't a non-violent one.

"I'm going to seduce Issei-San first, and then I'LL become the true Yamai spirit!" Kaguya stuck her tongue out at Yuzuru as they bounced on Issei's back, who was forced to carry them _all the way home._ "Riiiiiight, Issei-San?"

"Declaration." Said Yuzuru, emotionless. "Would you pick the childish twin with the body of a girl, or the more mature twin with the body of a supermodel?" True, Yuzuru was more mature both physically and mentally. But Issei was torn between two options. KAGUYA OR YUZURU?! YUZURU OR KAGUYA! Issei got a nosebleed just from thinking about who he was going to choose, when all of a sudden, lasers from the guns of the DEM soldiers weren't the only things striking him. _What if I... what if I seal BOTH of their powers at the same time? That way, I can have BOTH of them! Not one more member of my harem, but... TWO!_

"You son of a B-TCH!" Roared Jessica, now in a new and more advanced DEM mech suit that looked like it defied the laws of physics. She took out her laser sword and swung at Issei, who casually parried it with his laser-Ascalon.

"Hey!" He angrily glanced at Jessica. "Don't call my mom a b-tch!" All the other 49 DEM operatives were now commencing their ambush, hoping to capture at least one of the spirits, or perhaps Issei Hyoudou for all the havoc he was wreaking. "Do you want to know who's a b-tch? Well, _what's _a b-tch? DEM MOTHER F-KING INDUSTRIES!" Once again, they commenced another swordfight in the park while lasers, missiles, lightning bolts, and blasts of destructive energy were flying everywhere. "So? Did you get a new suit? HAH! I'd like to see how long _this _one can lastOH CRAAAAAP!" Jessica punched Issei in the face, who went flying back and smashed into an oak tree. "Hey, what the h-ll?" He started squirming and attempting to b-tch slap Jessica as she held him up by the neck, getting ready to slice him in half like a saw going through butter. "Let me go, woman! I have things to do and places to be!"

"We got them!" Shouted a voice through Jessica's radio. He looked over her shoulder to see two heavily armored DEM operatives take an unconscious Kaguya and Yuzuru back up to the dropship. "Come on, the ambush is a victory! We even have _2! _Icing on the cake, come on, let's go!"

"I'm going to execute you, you motherf-ker." Jessica grinned the yandere way and tilted her head as she got ready to make his head rolling on the cold, hard ground. Well, more like the damp ground, because they were standing in grass. "Y-"

"Ain't nobody got time for that!" Issei used his boosted gear to temporarily blind Jessica with a flash of green light, then b-tch slapped her so she loosened her grip on his neck. Next, he flew up to the 2 DEM operatives so he was right in front of them. "AAAaaaaand YOU and YOU." He tapped each of them on their shoulders, then snapped his fingers before they could shoot a hole in his face with their laser rifles. Their mech suits were blown off and exploded in midair, leaving them stark naked and falling through the air. Issei caught the Yamai twins and put them aside, then caught the falling girls so he held one over each shoulder. He was giving them a piggy back ride, so that meant... HE COULD FEEL THEIR BUTTS! Not only that, he felt 2 pairs of melons pressing into his back as they started to release a shrill shriek of terror and humiliation.

"**PERVERT!**"

* * *

"EHEHEH!" If one were to waltz into Issei's room, they would find the covers still on the bed, but it was _what _was happening under the covers that one might ask. It was obvious there was a struggle underneath between the Yamai twins and Issei, and the Yamai twins were winning. "AUGH!" He felt a strong pair of hands grasp his boxers and pull them down. Soon, the covers were thrown off the bed to reveal Issei laying on his stomach and hugging it tightly as Yuzuru and Kaguya grinned evilly, staring at his butt. "NO! PLEASE! I beg of you, let's just go to sleep already!" He ran out, using one of his notebooks to cover his privates as he ran out to escape the cruel reality. Unfortunately, it turns out Asia was walking by his bedroom to go use the bathroom when she was accidentally pounced on by Issei.

"I-Issei-San..." She looked up at him, then down his body nervously.

"YYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Two screams pierced the midnight peace. Issei ran back inside his room, shoved his boxers back on, then slammed the door behind him, only to find that his room wasn't a mess anymore. The covers were back on neatly, and there were two orange-haired beauties waiting for him on the bed. "Uh... I'll go sleep on the couch downstairs!" He turned to open the door, but was pulled back into bed when Kaguya grabbed him by the neck and threw him smack-dab on the middle of the bed.

"You can sleep with us." Said Kaguya, who disappeared under the covers. The fidgeting resumed, with Issei feeling a tickling sensation on his stomach.

"Statement." Said Yuzuru as she also went under the covers. "This place is only for adults."

"BE QUIET!" Snapped Kaguya, tickling Issei's sides. "We're both sixteen."

"AAAU HAHA HAH AHAAAAA!" Issei couldn't decide if he should scream out or just relax. Then again, it's not easy to relax when your sides are being tickled while 2 girls fight under your bed's blankets. "S-stop itAAAAAHAHAAA!" Yuzuru blew a raspberry on his stomach, the most sensitive part of his body.

"Issei-San..." Kaguya poked her head out of the covers and looked up at him, "do you like what we're doing?"

"C-can we just go sleep now?" Issei panted, diving his face into his pillow.

* * *

"POP QUIZ!" Screamed the literature teacher, grinning like a mad scientist. "You have 30 minutes to take the test." He said calmly, putting the first test on Issei's desk. "Oh, yeah. If I see _any _drawings, then your test is automatically a failure. The same applies if you don't write your NAME down, or if I see you copying down- OH, WAIT! We don't take the test yet! My bad." He nervously chuckled, recollecting the tests. "Today, we will analyze a great piece of literature. It has a _compelling _story of love, betray, hate, and devotion! It is a masterpiece, and it can show you WHAT A BOOK CAN DO.. TO CHANGE THE WORLD!" He was talking like a dictator now, turning on his computer and rolling down the presentation wall screen. Plugging in the projector to his computer, he started to play a video on YouTube. "It's called _The Giving Tree _by Shel Silverstein. Go watch it while I go make more copies of this test." And with a wave, he left the thoroughly disciplined classroom. They knew what would happen if they broke the rules; THE WHOLE SEMESTER... FAILED!"

"The Giving Tree; Animated." The video began. "By Shel Silverstein. Once, there was a tree. And she loved a little boy. The passing of the notes commenced, and no talking was heard, because they knew somebody with authority would hear and fail them. "And every day, the boy would come, and he would gather her leaves." Little did they know that it was actually a rumor spread by the teachers to instill the rule of discipline in their students, and if they were caught breaking the rules when the teacher was gone, the worst that would happen was getting yelled at. "And make them into crowns, then play _King of the Forest_. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches, and eat apples." Issei received a piece of paper that was being passed around the whole class. It read:

"SIGN IF YOU READ THIS $HIT ALREADY"

Everybody's signatures, except Issei's, were written down. Tohka, Kotori, Kurumi, Kaguya, and Yuzuru didn't sign as well, keeping their eyes glued to the video animation.

"And they would go play hide and go seek." Continued the video. "And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy _loved _the tree. Very much. And then one day, the boy came to the tree, and looked very upset. 'Tell me boy,' the tree said, 'what is troubling you?'

'I am very very sad.' Said the boy. 'My family is gone.'" That was when most of the class realized that this wasn't a line in the original book. Nobody had watched the video as well, so they assumed it was altered. "'My house burnt down with them inside.'

'Oh dear, oh dear!' Said the tree softly. 'I wish I had something to give you.'" By then, the whole class all agreed on the fact that it was probably a modified version, since the book bore some similarity. "'Is there anything I can give you?' Said the tree."

"'Actually, yes, there is something you can do.' Said the boy." All of a sudden, the boy's expression turned from a sad one to an angry one. "'Give me all of your f-king apples, or I will chop you down.'" Issei looked around to see his fellow classmates looking at each other incredulously, with a few snickers heard in the background.

"'Oh dear, oh dear.' Said the tree. 'Why are you so angry?'"

"'I already told you, b-tch!' Cried the boy, pulling an axe out from behind his back. 'It's because my family is burnt crispy nuggets, and ashes that used to be my home!'" Laughter exploded in the classroom, unable to hold it back anymore. "'I will chop you down and make a new house with a new family... that will never leave me.' Said the boy."

"'There must be another way!' Cried the tree." Issei was curled up on the floor, gasping for air and tears streaming down his face.

"'NO!' Shrieked the boy. 'This is the only way!' He neared the tree, and began chopping."

"'No! NO! Stop!' 'F-king tree!' 'NO! NOOOoooooo...' THE END." Finished the narrator abruptly, with the boy chopping at the tree and _being splattered with blood._ The laughter had reached critical conditions to the point where the principal started to dial the police and reported a "Banshee-like cry that instills the greatest fear in everybody who hears it". Now it was the teacher's time to cry, but not from laughter, but from the fear of being fired.

"D-mn, is it really that funny?" Tohka did not get it. At all. She looked around to see her classmates gasping for air as they continued laughing. "Kurumi-San, do you get it?"

"I'm afraid I don't." She responded. "Humans have an... odd sense of humor. Kotori-Chan and Kaguya-Chan seem to get it, though." Kurumi pointed at the floor, to where Kotori was curling up and laughing incessantly. Kaguya was following a similar act, except on her desk. "By the way, how old is Kotori?"

"I'm 14. GOT A PROBLEM?" She said, turning around and raising an eyebrow. "What' can't grasp the reality of a 14-year old attending high school? Well, guess what? It's a reality."

"Ara, ara, really?. That's like finding out there's a lesbian spirit."

"Wait, whaaaa?" Issei stopped laughing and listened in to their conversation. "A lesbian... a lesbian spirit?"

"Yeah." Kurumi nodded. "She's my friend. Well, she used to be my friend. Her name's Miku, like Hatsune Miku. Coincidentally, they both sing, except Hatsune Miku is just a computer-"_  
_

Issei sneezed blood all over his Kuoh Academy blazer. "Well, how the heck am I supposed to seal her powers, then? Convince her not to be a lesbian? Do anything for her? Uh... USE THE POWER OF DDRAIG TO HAVE HER FALL IN LOVE WITH ME?!" **Fat chance. **Said Ddraig in his mind. "Be her royal bodyguard? Hm... or should I just find another lesbian girl and have them fall in love with each other? YES! That way..." Issei turned around to face Matsuda and Motohama as he spoke, "we'll get to see some YURI action!"

"LESBIAN ROMANCE FTW!" Cheered Matsuda, getting a bloody nose.

* * *

"Good thing the literature teacher didn't get fired." Yawned Issei, walking through the park with his nearest and dearest. "He did, however, get an assistant teacher to keep an eye on him." It was 5:00 PM, right when the sun was repainting the sky red-orange. They left school at 4:52 because of a false alarm that involved "multiple gunmen and a fire", yet nobody heard gunshots and/or flames crackling. However, there _would _be shooters and a fire. In approximately 10 seconds.

10 Seconds LATER...

5 DEM soldiers, fully clad in mech armor that completely covered them but still looked like it was designed by a pervert, leapt out of the bushes with laser shotguns and underbarrel flamethrowers. "Gettin' real tired of your sh-t, DEM." Facepalmed Issei, activating his boosted gear. "You guys stay back, I'll handle this! But... just in case, be ready to assist meOOF!" One of the DEM soldiers used her suit's rocket thrusters to propel herself into Issei, where she sucker-punched the living hell out of him. Flying back into a tree, a pinecone fell on his head before he landed on the floor, writhing in pain. "So, I see you have some new tricks up your sleeve!" He chuckled, standing up and dusting himself off. "BUT I WILL END THIS NOW- Oooooooh CRAP!" He got punched by the same person _so hard _he flew through the same tree, and another, then finally got stuck in a thicker tree so his lower body was sticking out. Something with the power equivalent of a bull smashed into his balls, forcing him out the other end of the tree. "OW HOWWWW!" Soon, the glowing purple blade of a laser sword was aimed at his neck.

"Hi." Said Koneko solemnly, kicking the DEM soldier away. "Issei-Kun. Are you oka-"

"Ok, what the h-ll did DEM do now!?" Shrieked Issei, aghast. "Did somebody inject them with meth! Oh, wait... that's it! They kill spirits, right? And since spirits are more powerful than demons... yeah, we're f-ked, aren't we?" He sighed as more reinforcements for the DEM soldiers arrived. "They probably upgraded. Finally, a challenge! But they won't take the spirits and my friends away from me, because I'M GOING TO BE THE HAREMMMM KINGGGGG!"

**You're starting to sound more like Vali now. **Pointed out Ddraig. **Since when did you care about power?**

"W-what? NO!" Issei scoffed. "No way in hell will I turn up to be a Vali clone. I'm perverted, not power-hungry. But... maybe I'm power hungry for my perverseness! YES! That must be it." He ran back to join his friends, who were forming a defensive Raj-Singh Square. "So, hey, guys and gals! What's up?"

"We're going to have FUN!" Akeno smiled, forming lightning spears in both of her hands. "Ufufufufufu.."

"Wasn't that Kurumi-Chan's line?" asked Kiba, summoning his holy-demonic sword.

"Ara ara ufufufufufu..." Purred Kurumi.

"Ara ara ufufufufufu..." Akeno said seductively. Just then, 25 more DEM soldiers showed up, all in the same armor. They encircled the group, ensuring their eventual ownage.

"H-how the... what the... eeuuuuhhhh..." Issei nervously looked around him to the DEM soldiers in their new armor. All were girls. "Seriously, why does DEM hire girls for their dirty work? How are they so overpowered? WHY ISN'T LIFE FAIR!?"

**Hyoudou Issei, you ask too many questions. **Snapped Ddraig in annoyance.

"Well," said one of the DEM girls, "we drank our milk and went to school... as kids. Thanks to our moms."

"Really..." Issei activated his Mark XVII Exosuit Red Dragon missile-launching shotgun-laser-rifle dragon-slaying-laser-sword super godly overpowered boosted gear scale mail instantly, starting to gain confidence. "That sounds like one heck of a momma. _But you know what!?_" He ripped the shotgun laser rifle and missile launcher off of his balance breaker, then tossed them aside.

"I'M ONE HECK OF A MOMMA MYSELF!" Issei yelled, taking a stance the way an Olympic runner would. In a flash of red light, Kurumi reverted back to her spirit form. But... instead of a flintlock pistol... SHE HAD A GAU-8 AVENGER MINIGUN! Those things were so large you didn't mount them on planes- the planes were mounted on _them. _Using the rocket boosters on his feet, Issei activated his laser-Ascalon, and with a golden flash, swung at one of the DEM soldiers. She blocked it with her laser sword, blinding Issei with a shock wave. He blindly swung again, cutting her sword in half. Yes, he cut a laser in half. _Screw physics! I'm the Red Dragon Emperor! _Thought Issei as he tapped the edge of his sword on her armor, then snapped his fingers with the dress breaker curse instilled in her. Nothing happened, so he snapped his fingers again. "The f-k? Ddraig, why is dress breaker not working?"

**Daf-q? **Ddraig observed her armor through Issei's eyes, since... you know... he was a spirit residing in Issei. **Her armor appears... wait... welp, it appears the new armor is unaffected by magical powers. So you're going to have to take 'em out the hard way. Oh, yeah, I also improved the balance breaker so it has a new ability.**

"What is it?" Asked Issei, talking to the glowing boosted gear on his left forearm.

**I call it the 'Welsh Dragon Overboosted Mike Tyson Falcon Punch'**.

"Nice. WE GOTTA STOP THEM!" Issei suddenly shouted, rejoining his friends as Kurumi spun the barrels of her Gau-8 and summoned the giant, golden time-distorting clock behind her.

"Yeah, and that's gonna be the hard part." Kotori also turned back into her spirit form, and not only did she have her fire axe in one hand, she had a friggin' inferno hand cannon on the other.

"Less talk, MORE ACTION!" Issei lunged to one of the DEM girls and welled up a Welsh Dragon Overboosted Mike Tyson Falcon Punch, but before it ever hit home, she countered by tapping him on the stomach, and he instantly flew back a few hundred feet as if he tried to rocket jump as if he was in _Unreal Tournament. _"Uh... ok... hm... let's see... how do we fight them..." Issei slowly stood up and dusted himself off. "Uh, Rias-Senpai! Do your powers of destruction work-"

"Obviously, I'm trying!" She shouted, unleashing her most powerful blast on one of the DEM soldiers. She was unaffected a single bit. "Akeno-San, how are you doing?"

"Bad." Akeno abruptly responded. "Oh, Issei-San! Why don't you boost our powers? That way, we might have a better chance of-"

**BOOSTO! **Uttered Ddraig, and Issei's boosted gear flashed green. **Boosted gear; transfer! **Issei accidentally had an arm spasm before he could tap Akeno on the shoulder, so he accidentally touched her melons. As a result, lightning exploded out of them and blinded everybody for 20 seconds. When the yellow light finally died, Akeno was left standing unaffected, but all of the DEM soldiers were on the floor, with smoke rising out of their charred armor. Issei threw the helmet off of his head and his nose exploded in blood, filling up his helmet to the brim. "AAH HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!" Issei yelped, jumping around, then briefly looked at Akeno. "Oh... _very _hot... HOT HOT OOOWWWWW! Ddraig, you didn't have to go overkill! Are they dead?"

**They will live. **Sighed Ddraig. **And it was only fair. If they went super saiyan on us, then I'll go super saiyan on them.**

Suddenly, the sound of guns being loaded filled the air as 30 laser pistols were pointed at Issei's head. They were still conscious and freakishly fast as ever, so Issei retaliated by pointing his laser-Ascalon at them, while Kotori and Kurumi also aimed their weapons at the DEM soldiers. Akeno readied 2 lightning spears, while Kiba and Xenovia aimed their swords at the DEM soldiers. Finally, Rias formed a glowing sphere of destructive energy in her hand. "So. I see we have a little... what did they call it? Oh, yeah, Mexican standoff!" Issei chuckled nervously. "What do you blokes want? GET OFF OF MY LAWN!"

"If you want to live, give up the spirits!" Commanded one of the DEM girls.

"HAH!" Issei scoffed. "Over my dead body. They're all new to this world! They're just innocent, hot and kawaii girls! Tohka's life is more important than mine. Kotori, Kurumi, Kaguya, and Yuzuru ALSO deserve to live! So no. If it means keeping them safe and sound, I'll do anything for them!" Crossing his arms, Issei tilted his head up and closed his eyes, frowning. "Go on! Try to lay a finger on them! I dare you, I DOUBLE DARE YOU, YOU MOTHER F-KERS!" If he is pissed, that's when sh-t hits the fan for whoever he's fighting.

**BOOSTO!** Uttered Ddraig. Raising his left hand, his boosted gear unleashed its collected energy, blowing the DEM soldiers back 30 meters. **Welsh Dragon Overboosted Mike Tyson Falcon PUUUUUNNNNCCCCHHHH!** With the assistance of the rocket boosters, Issei's left forearm glowed green as he got ready for the greatest punch he would ever punch in his entire life. The laser rifles and shotguns were blazing, flashing his armor with colors but ultimately having little effect. As he neared the only DEM soldier wearing crimson armor, he got ready for the manifestation of "The Way of the Fist".

**One does not simply kill a spirit. **Calmly said Ddraig. **And one does not simply infuriate Hyoudou Issei and get away with it.**

"Falcoooooon PUUUUUUUUNCH!" Roared Issei, emulating Captain Falcon (from the anime) perfectly. He brought his fist forwards, fueled by a mini set of rocket thrusters on the same arm, the boosted power of the Red Dragon Ddraig, and Issei's adrenaline. It neared the crimson soldier, millimeters and millimeters away. Finally, the first atom from Issei's face made contact with his target. Green light exploded everywhere as he drove his fist in deeper, still flying forwards to the point where he was face-to-face with the unfortunate person. It was none other than Jessica, from the way he heard her spoke earlier. He flew her up a thousand feet in the air, then spoke "Run, JessiCAL. And never come back."

"NOPE." Said Jessica in a derpy manner. She activated her laser sword before he could react and stabbed him through the chest. It was, like, the fourth or fifth time now he was stabbed in the chest. But Issei didn't notice. In fact, he didn't give a sh-t. He was the Red Dragon Emperor, AKA the honey badger. So instead, he threw her up in the air and smashed her in the face with a Welsh Dragon Overboosted Mike Tyson Falcon Punch just as he was losing consciousness from blood loss. Soon, she was not the only one falling to the ground.

_Well, here I am. _Issei thought as he threw up blood all over the inside of his helmet. _I'm dying. AGAIN. And this time, I won't be living again, because I have a frikkin' LASER SWORD IN MY CHEST! Hey, Ddraig, you there?_

**Hyoudou Issei. **Ddraig said solemnly as his lifeless body fell like a rock, shedding the armor off. **Do you know how you sealed a spirit's powers?****  
**

With a _thud, _his body hit the floor. _Uh... how am I still alive?_

**Your SPIRIT is still alive. It's just your body that's dead. So, do you know how you sealed a spirit's powers?**

_Yeah... and if I sealed a spirit's powers, then basically, I have the powers._

**Well, a spirit has the power of regeneration.**

Issei's spirit, who was drinking a glass of water, spat it out everywhere like a whale blowing water from its blowhole. _WHAT!? Regeneration!? So I can regenerate my wounds? I'm invincible?_

**Yes, but not immortal. Now go wake up. **Ddraig's spirit flew in front of Issei's spirit and slapped him in the face, jolting him awake in real life. He was laying in a crater, submerged in a few inches _of his own blood! _He looked down at his stomach, seeing his spleen hanging out by a couple of arteries. Seconds later, regurgitation was mixed with the blood. **Get up! Oh, wait, yo**

**u can't, right?**

"MY SPLEEN IS HANGING OUT OF MY BODY!" Issei practically screeched. "OF COURSE I CAN'T GET UP! Do you know how D-MN PAINFUL regeneration is!?"

**It hasn't started yet. Oh, wait, nevermind. It is now. **A searing pain broke out in his stomach, and when he looked down, he could see a blue and green light closing up his wounds. In fact, the pain Issei was experiencing would be over 9000 times more painful than the pain you would experience if you jumped into a pool filled with alcohol and salt with 3-degree burns all over your abdomen. In an instant, he fainted and Ddraig had to slap his spirit across the face _again _so he could wake up.

"Oh, that F-KING smarts..." Winced Issei, rolling around and matting his Kuoh Academy blazer in blood. "Oooowwwww... huh? Rias-Senpai! Akeno! Asiaaaaa! Tohkaaaa! KOTORI! **KURUMI!** Jeez, where the heck did everybody go!?" He stood up slowly, looking around. "Nobody else is here... oooooooh crap. Don't tell me-"

"Yeah, they did." Issei turned around to see who was speaking; a 16-year old girl in a red and black filled gothic lolita dress and the body of a supermodel, as well as a mesmerizing look. Kurumi Tokisaki, the sneakiest, sexiest, and most dangerous spirit of them all. "Ara, ara, Issei-San? You're still alive? Even after being stabbed in the chest and falling a thousand feet?"

Issei stumbled up to Kurumi and fell at her feet, then looked up. "Please... you have to tell me where they went!"

"DEM Industries." Answered another voice that wasn't Kurumi's. Slowly turning his head around, he saw...

"VALI!" Issei leapt up to his feet, activated his boosted gear, and pointed laser-Ascalon at him. "What brings you here, White Dragon Emperor!?"

"Well, I was bored." He walked over to a park bench and sat down, but fell on his a-s when it disintegrated into dust. "OW! Stupid bench. Anyways... I was bored, so I decided to go and see what you were up to. I have to say... ever since we last fought, I have observed your powers just, like, fly out the window. Where's everybody else?" He looked around the deserted park as the sun started to set. "I thought you would never be caught alone in a place like this... the place where Raynare killed you." Terrible memories flashed in Issei's mind. "BUT now here you are."

"Yeah... you see..." Issei rubbed the back of his head nervously. "They were taken by Deus Ex Machina Industries, a company that kills spirits. Yes, they're still alive, and I'm trying to seal their powers by... HAVING THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!" He shouted victoriously and perversely. "But I need help. DEM Industries is strong as f-k, their soldiers, who are 16 year old girls, are strong as f-k, and I have no idea where they're located. So can you help me? Alliance? Truce?"

**Albion. **Ddraig spoke up. **I know you're an a-shole, and I also know that you think I'm one too. We've been rivals for a few millenia now, and I see no end in sight. But for now... we shall combine our powers and fight together until every trace of Deus Ex Machina Industries is sponged, purged, and, if need be, blasted from the face of Earth! So, what do you say? Bro code? Bros before ho-**

Fine. Sighed Albion. But just this once.

* * *

"Sound the alarm."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want any witnesses when they are eliminated. SMASH THE F-KING BUTTON NOW!"

"Y-yes! As you wish!"

"Good... good. Now, Hyoudou Issei, you will experience the true power of Deus Ex Machina Industries.

* * *

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"DA F-Q!" Issei yelped, then looked up to see the city's electrical billboards and advertisement wall things flashing red. "WHAT IS GOING ON!?"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"Ever since Tohka appeared, humanity realized that spirits were still alive, but DEM knew this long before they did. As a result, spacequake alarms are being installed in cities everywhere, as well as subterranean spacequake shelters and underground cities. And since there's nobody around, this makes the entire city..."

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All of a sudden, the sky was dotted with hundreds of DEM operatives and soldiers.

"...a battleground with no witnesses." Kurumi finished, summoning her time-distorting clock behind her.


	9. Chapter 8

**If you rate and review, I will write a yuri romance scene in this story.  
Just kidding! Remember, I don't write romance.  
But please... I need the reviews! Constructive ones, so I can become a great writer! Also, I'll try to keep the characters in character.**

**Starting now.**

* * *

A few weeks ago...

Issei Hyoudou was home alone on a nice Saturday morning... playing Counter-Strike: Source and AWP headshottin' every single person he saw, since it was FFA. "BOOM HEADSHOT MOTHERF-KER!" He shouted in victory as he won the match. "Don't mess with the king of the AWP!" But before he could switch to the new dating sim he just downloaded, a rising wall of flames appeared behind him. Riser Phenex, the bloke who tried to take Rias-Senpai from him! What did he want? "Uah? RISER! What the heck are you doing here!?" He backed up against his bedroom wall and accidentally tripped over one of his inappropriate magazines, hitting his head on the floor. Riser bent down to pick up and observe the magazine.

"Da f-q?" Riser looked at the magazine with googly eyes before incinerating it in his hands. "Hyoudou Issei, you like yuri?"

"What are you doing here, Riser!?" Issei reiterated, standing up and supporting himself on his bed. "AAAHHHH! Why did you burn that!? I spent my ALLOWANCE on that thing!"

"I'm taking Rias back!" Riser shouted, jabbing a finger at Issei like the lawyers in _Ace Attorney._

"What?" Issei scoffed. "NO! First of all, I love Rias and Rias loves me. Go back to your harem."

"Oh, ok." Riser turned to leave. "I guess I won't tell you the secret to forming a harem." Suddenly, Issei was on the floor the same way one would pray to Allah. "What's this? Are you Muslim?"

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!" Issei begged. "I'll do anything except give up Rias and the others!"

Riser turned around to his new Padawan. "I'm only giving you _one _tip! That tip is; don't be an Elliot Rodger. Ok, goodbye." And he disappeared once again in a wall of flames, but abruptly reappeared. "Just kidding. I have experience. Now, get out a pencil and paper. Get ready to take notes."

Later...

"So..." Issei reiterated, "Bros before hos unless you're gay. What kind of tip is that?"

"A great tip." Riser stood up to leave. "And be a gentleman. When it's raining, offer them your coat, hold open doors for them so they won't walk into them, and if they trip, well then let's hope you're fast enough. And Hyoudou Issei. Rias will be mine. Mark MY WORDS!" He vowed, raising his hand in a 'heil Hitler' way before disappearing in flames.

* * *

"Nani sore!?" Vali complained, activating his balance breaker and aiming both of his palms at the hundreds of DEM operatives and soldiers surrounding them both in the sky and street. "How many of them are there!?"

"I'll hold them off. You go when they're distracted." Kurumi volunteered, summoning hundreds of her shadow clones armed with flintlock rifles. "Be ready on my mark GET SET GO!" She summoned the time-distorting golden clock behind her, then shooting herself in the head for enhanced speed. Issei just watched in awe as she flew up to a DEM soldier with the speed of something faster than light and pulled her to the floor, where her clones deactivated her armor the awesome way: pulling it off.

"Nope." Uttered Issei like a certain engineer from Texas, taking Kurumi by the hand and flying off with her and Vali before sh-t _really _hit the fan. The bandersnatch were EVERYWHERE! But the Kurumi shadow clones just went rambo and shot the place up like shooting fish in a barrel. "The ladies musn't exert themselves! Instead, we'll escort you, since you probably know the inside, right?"

"Yes. They brought me to an 'interrogation room' where I easily escaped, but on the way, I passed a lot of things worth destroying." Issei, who still had to master his rocket boosters, crashed into the floor, right in front of the DEM main building. The streets were completely deserted and quiet, except for the unfolding battle taking place a few blocks away. "I have something that may be of use. It's a special power where I surround myself with, well... it's complicated. In a nutshell, it grants us invisibility through the means of shadows, but we have to stay as quiet as possible. If you can't zip it, I'll do it for you. Unnderstand?" Fearing how Kurumi was going to silence them because of her violent nature, Issei and Vali nodded. "Good. We're going in through the back door."

"Bow chicka-" Issei snickered, but got slapped on the back of the head by Vali. "Ok, ok, sorry." Kurumi led them around the building JUST AS ONE OF THE DEM SOLDIERS WERE ROUNDING THE CORNER! She had pink hair and was barely five feet tall, walking past the shadow-cloaked trio and blaring Beethoven from her headphones. As she was about to leave, Kurumi ran around the corner and his behind the wall, followed by Vali. Unfortunately, the cloaked Issei smashed his left foot on a trash can that was bolted to the floor, badly stubbing his toe and sending waves of pain shooting up his leg. Kurumi pulled him out of the DEM soldier's sight as she whipped around and raised her laser rifle.

"NANI SORE!" She shouted. Issei was about to scream, but Kurumi knew how to silence a pervert like him. She gave him the silencer by grabbing his head and shoving it in between her marshmallow-like melons as his screams of pain and joy were muffled while Vali watched jealously. Suddenly, she rounded the corner. "Any one of you pr-cks move, and I'll execute every single last one of you motherf-kers." She whispered as Issei turned his head to look straight down the barrel.

"Ara, ara!" Kurumi sighed in annoyance. "Why are we cursed with such bad luck?" Vali, with the speed and reflexes of a cat, punched her right across the face.

Turning around to face Kurumi and Issei, he yelled, "RUN! We've been spotted, so get your friends and let's GET THE H-LL OUT OF HERE!"

"Thanks to you!" Groaned Issei. "Sheesh, I wanted to go all James Bond!" He ran right past the girl, who was recovering, with Kurumi and Vali, deciding to have a dramatic entry. Kicking down the front doors, Issei carried Kurumi on his shoulders, who was spamming her flintlock pistol and rifle. "HAHAAAA DIE MOTHER F ERS!" He laughed, but when the smoke cleared, he saw an entire room full of DEM soldiers and operatives (let's just call them 'DEM girls' from now on), pointing laser weaponry at him. "Well, looks like dramatic entrances don't work as well." So instead, he set Kurumi down and got on all fours, ready to create a clear path to the elevator. "Or... VALI! Do you know Pig Latin!?"

"Yes." Vali nodded.

"Esethay uitssay ey'rethay earingway avehay away eryvay ighhay esistanceray otay agicmay! Osay Iway antway ouyay otay useway ouryay owerspay ofway ividingday otay ivideday eirthay agicalmay esistanceray osay Iway ancay essdray-eakbray emthay (These suits they are wearing have a very high resistance to magic, so I want you to use your powers of dividing to divide their magical resistance! So I can dress break them!) !" Issei sputtered, trying not to sound like an idiot. Vali nodded and spun around like a ballerina, shooting blue bolts of dividing energy from both of his palms. All of them hit home, so as a result, Issei looked at one of the girls and concentrated. He cleared his mind of everything else so he could reach ultimate zen, then focused.

He focused...

and focused...

...and the armor exploded, revealing her naked.

"**YES!**" Issei roared in victory. He had achieved ultimate power. Now, he could break dresses just by looking at them and using his willpower. It... it wasn't just a thing of beauty... it was perfection. "**YYYEEESSSS!**" The power flowed through his veins, and man, did it feel good! His morale flew out the window as he got a nosebleed, saving mental pictures and burning them in his mind permanently. Sweeping his hand across the room, armor was exploding and metal was _everywhere. _BAM! With his willpower, metal was blown off and blood was flying from his nose as if it was on steroids. The glory was exploding around him, revealing... A HANDS ON HUMAN REPRODUCTION CLASS!

"Stay on track." Vali responded calmly, but he was actually internally screaming from happiness. A man stuck his head out from under the receptionist desk, and Issei walked around the desk to see who it was.

"YOU!" He walked up to the receptionist and slammed him on the rolly chair as the girls cleared the room immediately, screaming in fear in the process. "You are going to tell me everything I want to know. Got that?" Kurumi tossed Issei her flintlock pistol. "Ah! Thank you, Kurumi-Chan. But... enlighten me." Issei commanded.

"W-what?" The receptionist stuttered tremulously.

"I know!" Issei had an epiphany. "Tell me the who the CEO is of this company, and what its intentions are."

The receptionist stood up slowly so he could tell him everything, but Issei motioned for him to sit down. After all, he had to listen to a person holding a gun. So he sat down and said with both of his hands raised in a peaceful manner, "Isaac Wescott is the CEO. And I just want you to know how sorry we are... th- that things got so f-ked up with us and the spirits. We got into this with the best of intentions, really, we never intended to harm-" All of a sudden, Issei shot the other male receptionist, who was hiding under the desk.

"What's this?" Issei ripped the badge off of the receptionist's neck. "CFO of DEM Industries!?" He tossed it aside, noticing that the CFO/undercover receptionist was panting in fear. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please... continue." He walked around the CFO, observing the pistol in his hand and deactivating his balance breaker's helmet, so the CFO see who he was being interrogated by. "O-oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort!" He leaned in until he was inches away from his panicked face. "What does Isaac Wescott... look like?"

"W-what?" Stuttered the CFO. Infuriated, Issei threw over the reception desk, and Vali and Kurumi stepped back nervously.

"What country you from?" Issei demanded.

The CFO repeated, "What?" He was so full of fear, his vocabulary was centered around the wonderful word 'what'.

"'What' ain't a country I ever heard of! They speak English in 'what'?" Interjected the Red Dragon Emperor.

"W-w-what?" Whimpered CFO.

"English, MOTHERF-KER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" Issei yelled.

"Yes, yes!" The CFO was heavily breathing and sweating bullets.

Issei shouted, "Then you know what I'm saying!"

"Yes yes!" Reiterated the CFO in fear.

"Describe what Isaac Wescott LOOKS LIKE!" Commanded Issei, index finger twitching and his face full of rage.

"W-WHAT?" Cried out the CFO, almost crying. He found the barrel of a .91 caliber flintlock pistol pressed against his sweating forehead.

"Say what again!" Issei growled. "Say. What. AGAIN! I dare you, I _double _dare you, you motherf-ker, say what _one more godd-mn time!_"

Taking heavy breaths and closing his eyes, the CFO stuttered, "He-he's white..."

"GO ON!" Issei yelled in excitement.

"H-he has blue eyes and platinum blonde hair!" The CFO informed, still panting heavily.

"Does he look like a b-tch?" Issei widened his eyes and looked at the CFO intimidatingly.

The CFO asked incredulously, "What?"

BLAM! The flintlock was fired in his right shoudler, blowing up most of it in a red cloud. He let out a wrangled cry of pain, clutching his shoulder as blood gushed out of it. "DOES HE LOOK. LIKE. A B-TCH!" Issei reiterated, shrieking in anger.

"NO!" Shouted the CFO, shaking his head and throwing his head back in pain.

"Then why are you acting like you're his b-tch?" Issei asked, holding both of his hands up in confusion.

"I-I didn't-"

"Yes you did, CFO, YES YOU DID!" Issei pistol-whipped the CFO. "Well, Mr. Wescott doesn't like anybody to be his b-tch except for _Mrs. Wescott, _whom I'm pretty sure doesn't exist. You read the bible, CFO?"

"W-wh- I mean, yes, yes..." He used his free arm to inspect the cut on his forehead from Issei's pistol whip.

"Well, back before I was a demon..." He started to recall his memories. "My parents tried sending me to church once. They're nice fellows, but that was the biggest mistake they made. I _hated _it! But there's this one verse that's stuck in my head. It's _Ezekiel 25:17, _and I was saving it for an occasion like this, so hear me out for a while." Talking like a pastor, he declared, "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper... and the finder of lost children." Kurumi pulled the hammer back on her flintlock rifle as she spoke and handed a flintlock pistol to Vali as Issei spoke. "And I will STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FUUURIOUS ANGER THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO POISON AND DESTROY THE SPIRITS!" Kurumi and Vali walked over and stood next to Issei, then raised their weapons at the CFO's head. "AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME _IS HYOUDOU ISSEI... _**WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!**"_  
_

"NOOO-" Screamed the CFO, but it was too late. The top of his head was blown off like Mt. Saint Helens erupting, splashing the walls with blood and grey matter as Issei, Kurumi, and Vali all executed him and continued firing until his body was a pulpy mess of blood and some meaty substance.

"Now, let's go find Isaac Wescott." Issei said confidently, reactivating his helmet.


	10. Chapter 9

**Darn! When I saved this draft, there was a formatting error... and fused this ENTIRE STORY with HTML code! The painful deleting... if you see anything like emso/em or strongAWESOME/strong or anything like that, it's probably something I missed. And if you didn't know already, this whole story isn't supposed to be serious.**

**And as I write this, I'm listening to the song when Captain Falcon punches Black Shadow. YYYEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!**

* * *

"Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go! The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh, through the white and drifted snow!" Issei sang, skipping through the hallways of DEM Industries with Kurumi and Vali just walking behind. "Over the river and through the woods, oh how the wind does blow! It stings the toes and bites the nose, as over the ground we go HURRAY!"

"Don't do that ever again." Sighed Vali in annoyance. "Your singing lowers the IQ of every single person on the street."

"What did you say!?" Issei shouted through gritted teeth. "Do you want to get your a-s kicked again?" All of a sudden, DEM soldiers and operatives appeared on the other side of the hall, forcing Kurumi to shove Issei and Vali behind the wall, right when she took a golden pocket watch out of her pocket. "Ok, what do we do now?"

"I'll slow them down." Kurumi volunteered as a purple mist flew out of the pocket watch and into the barrel of Kurumi's flintlock pistol. "Then you can attack them." As the lasers started flying, Kurumi stuck her hand out of cover, holding the pistol, and spammed it down the hallway, not missing once. "Now, Issei-San." She pushed him out of cover while Vali unleashed his dividing powers upon them, robbing their armor of its magic-resistances. Next, Issei just... concentrated. Cleared his mind and focused on the dress breaking retribution.

"Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!" Vali gawked in awe as their armor exploded, revealing all of them naked and frozen in time like statues at an art museum. "H-how did you do that?"

"That's the power of German engineering- I mean, Issei Hyoudou, the Red Dragon Master Harem King!" Issei declared proudly as he tried his best not to have a nosebleed as he observed the girls. "Wow... it's like... A WORK OF ART!" He inspected one of them up close just as the time-stopping effects wore off, breaking the dam and unleashing the blood.

"Quit screwing around!" Snapped Vali, dragging Issei by his hair and away from the commotion. "We still have to find your friends, remember?" He led the two into a dark section of the building, where all they could hear was some machinery through the walls as they walked along the halls (hey that RHYM'D). He slowly inched closer and closer to a door that was slightly ajar, the only source of light in the west wing of the building. Kicking open the door, he looked inside briefly and calmly closed it behind him as Issei and Kurumi looked at each other in confusion, standing up and trying to look at what was inside the room. "Houston, we have a problem." Announced Vali, then punched Issei across the face so he fell to the floor. "Get down!" He yelled, pulling Kurumi to the ground as the sound of gunfire broke out. Lasers sped over their heads (rhyme AGAIN!) and punched holes in the walls.

"Jesus tap-dancing Christ!" Yelped Issei, scrambling away and taking Kurumi from him as the door burst down. Ten freaking bandersnatch marched out with automatic laser shotguns. That's right, automatic laser shotguns. Modeled after the Saiga 12K. Vali stared up in horror at the bandersnatch slowly raising their weapons at his head and shouting "EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE" like a Dalek.

"TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHER F-KER!" Issei shrieked, leaping out of cover and aiming laser-Ascalon at the bandersnatch. Out flew a laser rainbow of pure awesomeness, smashing into the ten bandersnatch and exploding them to smithereens. "Kurumi! What floor are the spirits and the others on!?"

"I believe it was floor 15." Kurumi answered, opening the emergency staircase exit and running up the stairs. Issei tripped over the top stair and went tumbling down, smashing into Vali as he fell on his a-s.

"The f-k, dude!?" Vali complained. "My a-s! I can't walk!"

"What do you want me to do," Issei groaned, "carry you? I'm not gay! But I'll drag you along! How's that?"

"Nevermind." Vali stood up, struggling. "I'm fine." But to retaliate, he threw Issei up the stairs emso hard /emhis head got stuck in the wall, forcing him to bend over. Angered, Vali walked up the stairs and kicked Issei in the a-s, shoving him deeper in the wall before pulling him out. "How does it feel, huh? To get your a-s smashed?"

"That hurt!" Winced Issei, falling to the floor and trying to crawl his way up the stairs. "Why can't we use the god d-mn elevator!?" Groaning, he shambled up the stairs while Kurumi just jogged up, giving zero f-ks as Vali and Issei bickered incessantly.

"We're here." Kurumi motioned to the door that lead to floor 18 as Vali and Issei reached the same floor, not wearing their helmets and slapping each other silly. "And heeeeere we go!" She opened the door but caught a tank bullet... in the face! She flew back and hit the wall, then fell to the floor in pain. "Ara ara, they're really bringing out the big guns now, aren't they?" Issei pulled her aside as he stuck his head out the door. A freakin' tank was in the hallway! What kind of bloke brings a tank to the 18th floor?

"HOLY SH-T!" Yelled Issei, activating his helmet shortly after Vali activated his. "They have a tank!"

"Thomas the Tank Engine?" Asked Vali, chuckling.

"NO!" Issei scoffed. "A real tank! That shoots shells!"

"Seashells-"

"STOP IT!" Issei roared. "Let's just show this arse hole what we're made of!"

"Carbon, hydrogen-" Vali answered, but got shut up when Issei flipped the bird at him. Infuriated, Vali shoved Issei into the hallway and caught a tank round in his a-s, which blew up and showered Kurumi and Vali in dust and debris.

"GOD D-MN MOTHERF-KING SH-TTY F-KING SH-T F-KERS!" Issei screamed, arching his back and grabbing his butt cheeks through the dragon armor in pain. "OWHOW! Jayzus, Vali, what was that for!?"

"Stop acting like a baby." He mumbled, leaping out and firing some blue bursts of energy at the tank and hopping back into cover right before it fired again.  
Issei shot back, "Hey! It hurts getting shot in the a-s by a tank, ok!?" He had an arm spasm and accidentally slapped a tank shell out of the air, giving him even emmore /empain. "OOOOWWWW! Mother f-ker! I think I broke my wrist! OOoooooowwwwww!"

Vali grabbed the next tank shell and hurled it like a football player at the tank, having no effect whatsoever. "Oh, screw this!" He shouted, running up to the tank and using his powers of dividing to decrease the durability of its barrel temporarily, giving him enough time to bend the barrel so it was basically going to shoot itself. However, Vali was standing in the way of the barrel when the effect wore off, and as a result, the tank fired straight into his balls. "F**K-F**KITY-F**K-F**K-F**KERS!" Vali yelped, flying back into cover and throwing up blood everywhere from the pain his groin was experiencing. "I feel your pain, Red Dragon Emperor!"

"Yeah no sh-t." Issei had a different plan; now that the tank was basically a sitting fat duck, he activated laser-Ascalon and ran up to the tank, but a DEM operative popped out right where the driver hatch was WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER and fired it at Issei, who sliced it in half and hopped on the tank. Like a can opener, he sliced off the tank's turret hatch and threw a DEM soldier outside, then literally emripped /emher armor off with intense power. "This is for shooting me in the a-s!" He growled, deactivating his helmet and revealing a rape face. Yes, he was going to do it. But Vali knew they had to stay on track, so the smack over the head with a folding chair that was found inside the tank did the job.

"In here." Kurumi pointed to a door, then fired 3 times through it and heard a _flump_ inside. But as she opened it, she saw to her disappointment it was a mannequin. Jessica, hiding behind the open door, tried to skewer through the head with the laser harpoon gun she had, but Kurumi caught it like a pro, not giving a sh-t about the harpoon sizzling in her hands as she threw it back at Jessica. She dodged it, now trying to stab her through the face with a laser bowie knife, but failed when Kurumi grabbed her wrist and twisted it behind her back, then kicked her so she slid across the floor to the feet of two people.

One was a man in a black tux, who was NONE OTHER THAN THE FREAKING ISAAC WESCOTT. Standing next to him was the platinum-blonde haired woman with blue-gray eyes Issei saw a few days ago, when he first met Kotori.

"PEEK A BOO!" Issei screeched, jumping through the door and spewing out a long geyser of blood from the view he witnessed. He had seen lots of death in his life. A stray, rogue spirit with the flesh blasted off of its bones as Akeno giggled and continued to fry it with her lightning attacks. He witnessed a fallen angel dismembered when Koneko pinched it in the arm. Heck, he saw Kiba split a defecting demon in half with his sword, revealing its insides to Issei. But this sight was worse than the lobotomies he read about, the "experiments" he learned about in history class, and the genocides he also read in textbooks. Even though he had never seen the 8 or 9 year old girl before, strapped to a metal table angled at 20 degrees, with her blue, waist-length hair matted in her own blood. It was no doubt a spirit, and the youngest one he had seen so far. HE COULD EVEN SEE THE LIFE FADING FROM HER SAPPHIRE-BLUE EYES! "I found youuuu!" He said through gritted teeth. "Now let everybody go. Everybody. Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Xenovia, Tohka, Kotori, Yuzuru, Yamai, and everybody else you have in captivity. Including that girl."

Her freaking chest was OPEN! He could see her insides clearly, and blood. Oh, man, the blood. The green raincoat with bunny ears she wore was also bloodstained, and she had, like, the saddest look on her face. Heck, it was a face _so sad_ even God could have risen from the dead and cried enough to fill a galaxy. "You sick f-ks!" Issei shouted. "Release them! What the h-ll have you been doing to them? Pedophile? Person who rapes dead bodies, or at least I'm assuming you do so! Murderer! Kidnapper! Genocidal maniac!"

"Do you know how much spirit hearts are worth?" Asked Isaac, walking over to the girl and smiling as if he had just tasted the best food in the world. "This spirit is useless. She can't even turn into her inverse form, and guess what we do when we have a worthless spirit?" He picked up a scalpel from the surgical tray next to him. "Spirit hearts have enough magic in them to grant an entire race a few eons' worth of energy. That's how I got all this." He motioned around him, but soon had both of his arms broken when Issei flew forwards and smashed him into the wall.

"Vali!" Issei commanded. "Take care of that woman!" He fired a bolt of energy at her, decreasing her suit's magical resistances before she flew to Vali and swung at him with her laser sword and kicked him into the wall emso hard /emher foot was stained from his blood. Issei used his extremely gifted and skilled powers of dress-breaking telekinesis to humiliate her, but guess what? NO EFFECT! "Uhh... CRAP! Kurumi-Chan, please keep an eye on this bloke, but don't kill him!" Kurumi walked over and pulled Isaac Wescott to the floor, where she stomped on his balls and aimed her pistol at his face, then smiled in a yandere manner. Meanwhile, Vali fell down from the wall and spasmed in pain, then slowly stood up as Issei flew across the massive room. "RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Issei roared, Welsh-Draogon-Overboosted-Mike-Tyson-Falcon-Punching her in the face, throwing up lots of dust and creating a shockwave as Issei kept his fist in the same place, attempting to control the massive power levels flowing through it so it wouldn't explode. Panting, Vali tried to look through the dust as it cleared. SHE WAS STILL STANDING, WITH 2 LASER SWORDS! "WE GOTTA STOP HER!" Issei shouted, running back in fear to rejoin Vali as he formed two spheres of blue energy in both of his hands.

"Yeah, and that's gonna be the hard part." Warned Vali.

"Less talk, MORE ACTION!" Issei yelled, brandishing laser-Ascalon and flying-dashing to her, letting out a battle cry that sounded like Tarzan. Trying to punch-stab the crazy mofo, she instead, held up her foot, which had a gravity propulsion system on it. "OSH-T!" Issei yelped, trying to fly away. "Osh-tosh-tosh-toshiiiiiiiiiiii-" Kicking and activating her gravity propulsion system simultaneously, Issei flew forwards and skidded across the floor in pain. "Well, that didn't work out well."

"You sealed spirits' powers," Vali suggested, "so why don't you use their powers?"

"OOoohhhh yyeeeeeaaahhhhhh!" Issei smirked, trying to summon Kotori's inferno cannon. "Uh, how do I do it?"

"Don't ask me." Sighed Vali. "Look, just get this over with! That spirit over there..." He pointed to the dying girl, "is DYING!" Suddenly, Issei's right forearm glowed bright red, then dimmed to reveal...

"Holy Jesus on a muffin!" Issei gawked in awe at the inferno cannon on his hand. It glowed bright red with the searing energy of flames, and not only that, it looked awesome. Aiming it at the woman, he charged up God knows what as she flew to Issei, readying both swords for action. "Oh sh-t!" He cried, releasing it at the last second and looking away in fear. Flames exploded _everywhere, _pushing Issei back with enough force to fly into the wall and crack it. "Mahan, this thing has a lot of recoil!" When the red smoke cleared, the woman was on all fours in armor that was smoking and burning off. The walls, floor, and roof were all charred black by the blast of Issei's inferno cannon.

DEFEATED! Announced Albion.

**More like: FATALITY.** Corrected Ddraig.

Fatality is when the target dies brutally, dumba-s! Albion re-corrected as the woman's armor completely melted off, revealing her otherwise unharmed and in a white and black bodysuit that was tight. Pretty tight. Oh, man, that... that is hot.

**Very hot.** Ddraig admired her curvy body. **Wait, what are we saying? What are we even _doing? _Shouldn't Hyoudou Issei be the one doing this instead?**

"I have other things to take care of!" Issei ran up to the dying girl. "Aw, crap... uh... Vali! Do you know anything about, like cauterizing bleeding or suturing? Sewing?"

Vali flew over and took a good look at her, then removed his helmet to show a freaked out face. "Holy crap, dude, I don't! I think she's going to die of blood loss! Is there a bovie pen!?" He searched the table, but only found scalpels, scissors, tweezers, and other tools that would be painful if used on you. "Uh... we need something hot! HOT! Not beautiful hot, but HEAT hot! How 'bout your inferno cannon?"

"Don't..." The girl barely mumbled. "I feel... at peace..."

"You're dying!" Issei shrieked, throwing off of his helmet and nearly gouging his eyes out in horror. "AAH! Where's Asia-Chan? D-mmit, how can she be missing at such a critical time!? Wait, you're a spirit, right?" The girl weakly nodded, dying of blood loss. "Don't you have regeneration? What's your name?"

"Yoshi... Yoshino... I see something..." She slowly closed her eyes, giving Issei a heart attack. "I see light... it's bright... and warm..."

"AAHH!" Vali screamed, attempting to use his powers of dividing to divide the intensity of the blood loss, while Issei fruitlessly tried to use his powers to exponentially increase the amount of blood in her system. "SHOOOOT! Keep open those eyes, Yoshino-Chan! You are not dying today! Not on our watch! No! NO! Don't you do it!" He cried as her arms went limp. "DON'T YOU D-MN DO IT!"

The table suddenly angled itself at 90 degrees and released its arm and legs clamps, letting Yoshino fall to the floor, dead. Her face was so... serene, as if she had finally reached her peace. That was the opposite of what Issei was, however. He was so friggin' scared his balls nearly fell off! "Welp, you're f-ked." Vali warned to Isaac Wescott, who was GONE! Kurumi was gone as well. "Huh?! Where the h-ll did they go!? Uh, Issei! They're gone!"

"What?" Issei looked up and had a heart attack. "HOJESUS! WHERE DID THEY GO!" All of a sudden, the ceiling, yes, the entire ceiling, was ripped off by a giant pair of robotic hands. "Oh crap, don't tell me-"

"YES!" Bellowed a voice form above. Issei, Vali, and the woman looked up to see a gigantic, 100-story tall mech looking down on them. It looked like a gundam, except overly armed with 100mm cannons. "Hyoudou Issei. Strange how you couldn't save Yoshino." Something in Issei's mind snapped. Yes, he was pissed. But not just _any _kind of pissed! He was... PISSED! Like, driven batsh-t crazy! He stomped his foot into the ground, and all of a sudden, the sky started to glow green above where Issei was standing, illuminating each raindrop that fell from the sky an emerald green. Dust and green energy lifted off of the floor in a spiral pattern, and the ground shook like a 20+ earthquake (Richter scale). Ok, seriously, Issei was pissed.

**Hyoudou Issei. **Ddraig warned. **Don't lose control. Your power level is more than that of your Juggernaut Drive. If you spin out of stability, we will both die.**

"Lose control my A-S!" Issei shrieked, pointing up at the mech. "ISAAC WESCOTT! Yoshino died slowly and painfully. She had a life in front of her; a life full of opportunity, freedom, and joy. You revoked that from her, so I'm GOING TO END YOURS SIMILARLY!" He flew up into the sky until he could look down on the mech, and then his balance breaker started to glow green. It unfolded until it was, like, 2 times larger than it already was and looked like it was ready to blow up a galaxy.

**Welsh Dragon INFINITE DRIVE! **Ddraig announced. **Actually, I don't know what form this is called, since you're the first host to have reached this power level. So I'm just going to call it Welsh Dragon INFINITE DRIVE!**

"Why don't you come down here and fight me like a man!?" Isaac Wescott shouted from the inside of his mech.

"Why don't you come up her and fight me like a dragon!?" Issei retorted, smirking as the spiral now spun out of control so it was like a green tornado of energy. Isaac used his mech to fly inside, but Issei was already waiting for him, a few thousand meters above his head. Isaac Wescott ejected himself from the mech, flying towards Issei in a mech suit the same size as Issei's.

"ISSEI HYOUDOU!" Vali yelled, jabbing a finger at Issei.

"I WILL NOT DIE!" Isaac Wescott roared, taking out a laser halberd. "MY DREAM WILL NOT DIE!"

Issei flew down with great epicness. He didn't need laser-Ascalon, just his balance breaker, Ddraig, and his trusty final weapon. He was going to avenge Rias. Akeno. Asia. Koneko. Xenovia. Tohka. Kurumi. Yoshino, Yuzuru, Kaguya, and Kotori. Isaac Wescott was a doomed mofo. He wasn't going to fulfill his dream. He was doomed.

"I WILL APPLY PRESSURE TO YOUR FACE BY THE MEANS OF MY FIST!" Issei screamed, "**FALCOOOOON PUNNNNNNNNCCCHHHH!**" The fist and the blade connected, with a power so intense the green energy spiraled to the heights of heaven and the depths of hell. Isaac Wescott's laser halberd shattered, but the Falcon Punch still carried on to connect with Isaac's face. The punch was so powerful and epic that the entire galaxy shone bright green as Issei continued to fly down, driving his fist deeper into Isaac Wescott's face and accelerating his death. Through the building's floors, Isaac Wescott still tried to fight back. But no. He was inches away from death.

"NNNOOOOOOO!" Isaac Wescott's helmet flew off, to reveal light exploding from his mouth and eyes as he smashed into the floor, shortly before Issei hit the floor as well. A shockwave rippled through the ground, toppling skyscrapers and throwing up entire seas, creating tsunamis speeding across the ocean and letting sections of the lithosphere fly everywhere.

Revenge was served.

* * *

"Uah?" Issei jerked awake in his bedroom, with the covers over his bed. "Wow, that was one dream! Ugh... what? No school? He looked at the newspaper sitting on his lap and read the front page: CITY IN RUINS FROM SPACEQUAKE. He saw a picture of, like, the entire city demolished with a mile-wide crater in the floor. Luckily, the picture was in color, so he could see the detail of the buildings toppled down like dominoes, all pointing away from the crater. Rubble was everywhere, and so was a strange, green glow fixed on everything in the vicinity of the crater. "Wait, WHOA! Don't tell me-"

"ISSEI-SAN!" The door to his room was burst down, and soon he was going to die. Too many people were hugging him. Rias, Akeno, Asia, Xenovia, Koneko, Tohka, Kurumi, Kaguya, Yuzuru, and Kotori were all gripping him tightly and starting to cry to show their thanks.

"HOLY CRAP!" Issei shrieked. "So all that was real? What happened!? I don't remember the rest!"

Rias looked at him with glassy eyes and said, "You freed all of us! DEM Industries is gone! Isaac Wescott was killed by... all we know was that it was a punch! A _very _powerful punch!"

"Arigato, Issei-San!" Kaguya and Yuzuru smiled, kissing him on both cheeks. All of a sudden, their clothing melted off in an instant. Issei sealed their powers, or more accurately, they sealed their own. "AAAUUUGGGHHH!" They cried, falling to the floor and covering themselves. "W-what happened?"

"Uh... oh, yeah! I sealed your powers as spirits!" Issei chuckled nervously. "So... I guess you both won? But that doesn't matter!" He grabbed both of them by the shoulders. "I could never pick one of you to become the true Yamai. The truth is... I love both of you! And if anything, uh, bad happens to all of you, I'll sure as hell Falcon Punch the living crap out of whoever did it to you! That is my vow!"

Akeno turned around and motioned 'come in'. "Issei-San..." She kissed him on the cheek, "we have a new rook!"

Issei saw who just walked in and had a heart attack.


	11. Chapter 10

**EPISODE MOTHERTRUCKING 10 for ****_Date A Live 2. _****It was... kind of underwhelming. Yes, I think it was kind of underwhelming because I expected an arguement between *cough*Shido*cough* and Tohka, as well as, like, more resistance put up by Tohka. But Issei would get it done instantly, because he's a bad a-s.**

**SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! I'm busy with doing nothing, because... it's summer! I'll try to update often from now on.**

* * *

_Yoshino-Chan is SOOOOOOOO CUUUUTTTEEEEE! _Issei giggled like a maniac in his mind, looking back at Yoshino who was apparently talking with the rabbit puppet on her hand. _I just want to... bite her on the arm! HehehehehAHAHAHAHAHAHAH wait, what am I doing? I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER! Yes... protect her... heh... _It was 10:00 AM, and Issei had received his well-deserved rest.

**Hyoudou Issei! **Ddraig suddenly spoke with a hint of fear in his voice. **Do not tell me you have a fetish for lolicon now!?**

"I do, and I always did." Issei responded without doubt. He served the breakfast to his friends, and the only food he knew how to prepare by himself was cereal and yogurt. So for breakfast, they had cereal Cheerios with strawberries and strawberry yogurt. "Uh... I hope you like today's breakfast... I can't cook sh-t without my parents! I'm a failure!" He cried, resting his face in his hands and sobbing lightly.

"Issei-San!" Tohka yelled. "At least you can prepare food! And this actually tastes pretty good..." She took a mouthful of the cereal and swallowed it whole. But all of a sudden, the house's front door was burst down by his parents.

"Oh, Issei!" His mother smiled enthusiastically with his father. "I'm glad to see the house is still in one piece! Did you hear of the earthquake last night? Of course you did. Well, at least you're safe- wait, Issei..." She looked at Yoshino, who in return, looked up to Issei's mom with a strawberry in between her lips. "OOOH! She's soooo cute!" In an instant, Yoshino was being hugged by both Issei's mom and dad. "What's your name, darling? Are you also Issei's friend?"

"Y-yes-" Yoshino said. Issei's father started to get a nosebleed. As the blood leaked between his fingers while he attempted to stop the blood flow, two of Issei's worst nightmares suddenly walked through the front door. He thought they were gone for good, but no. Screw that, right!? Jessica pulled two chairs for her and the platinum-blonde woman, then sat down at the table.

Mother looked at Issei. "Oh, yeah, Issei! These two lovely women wanted to meet you!" Jessica smiled deviously at Issei, who in response, tried to maintain a poker face of casualness but lost it. The blonde woman was the same woman that nearly beat the living pulp out of Vali, and the so-called "strongest wizard in the world". "They wanted to discuss... your homework." Mother started to look disappointed, but Issei was freaked sh-tless. _What? HOMEWORK!? Are they, like, my teachers!?_ He thought in fear. "They're your new math and science teachers!" Issei's gut reaction immediately coughed out _Oh sh-t. _"So we'll leave you alone for now, because we're going out on a honeymoon!" Issei's mom kissed him on the cheek, then walked out the door with his father, interlocking arms. "Your father and I are going on a _honeymoon! _So see you in a few weeks!" The door slammed shut, leaving Issei, his friends, and the two former DEM "wizards" alone in the dining room.

"That was... sudden..." Rias concluded.

"Issei-Kun..." Jessica crossed her legs and took out a cigarette, then lit it. "...by now, you probably know Ellen and I are your new teachers, right?" Nodding fearfully, Issei got ready to activate his boosted gear. "But you do know that you still have around 5 more spirits to seal, including Yoshino?" Issei nodded again. "Well, I should say you have you have to give up. First of all, one of the spirits... we call her Diva... is a lesbian. There is no way to save her, and that is why DEM must fulfill its operation. As I speak, 100 units are surrounding this house. If you do not comply and release the spirits, we will kill you."

"Wait, I thought I destroyed DEM!" Protested Issei. "I killed Isaac Wescott like a bada-s mofo! Plus, even if 'Diva' is lesbian, I will find a way to seal her powers. 'Cause I'm batman."

"Nope." Said the platinum blonde woman. "Diva will not change her state of mind. She cannot be sealed. It is physically and mentally impossible.

"H-ll no! Uh... Rias! Are you bisexu-" Issei asked, but was cut off when Rias gave him a deadly stare. "NNnevermind... uh, Akeno-San! You have a sexy German accent, right?"

"_Vunderbar!_" Akeno purred, giving Issei a slight bloody nose.

"S-see?" Issei chuckled nervously. "Her accent is, like, mesmerising enough to have anybody fall for her! And you're... uh, you have a slight attraction to women, right?"

"No. I only love Isse-Kun." She responded, shaking her head.

"Ok... Koneko-" A fist was about to smash into his balls before he yelled, "OK OK NO! Xenovia, are yo-"

Xenovia shook her head.

"Darn it! So... uh... don't kill her!" Issei warned. "I'll find a way! There is a way! I'll just have to do a process of elimination of ways to seal her powers, and killing her is out of the question; for when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, _however improbable_, must be the truth!"

"Give up the spirits." Jessica ordered. "There's still the European and American divisions of DEM Industries." Issei could hear something outside. It sounded... it sounded like he was going to be f-ked if he didn't give up the spirits.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!" Issei activated his balance breaker, or more accurately, Boosted Gear Scale Mail with a bunch of enhancements. "Guuuuurl, you cray cray!" Taking out laser-Ascalon, he pointed it at Jessica, but she was already pointing a laser pistol at his face. The platinum-blonde woman, Ellen, followed a same action, so together, they looked like Jules and Vincent from _Pulp Fiction. _"Hey, where have I seen this pose before?"

"Pulp... Fiction?" Yoshino suggested. Looking at her in fear, Issei shouted,

"Wait... how DID YOU KNOW THAT!?"

"Kurumi-San showed me the movie last night..." She answered nervously. Issei looked at Kurumi incredulously, who instead smiled and just reverted into her spirit form. "I... it was kind of entertaining..." _NOBODY IN THEIR FLIPPIN' FADOODLIN' SANE MINDS WOULD SHOW A 10 YEAR OLD PULP FICTION! _Issei screamed mentally, charging like a bull and shoving Jessica out of the way. Yes, she lied; _1000 _DEM soldiers and operatives, not 100, were surrounding the house, floating in the sky.

"You lying b-tch!" Issei turned around and shouted to Jessica and Ellen, who already activated their mech suits. Jessica had what looked like an automatic missile-launching minigun with heat-seeking missiles, which was bad news for Issei and Ddraig, because the balance breaker emitted a lot of energy, and therefore, heat. Exothermic reactions were a pain in the donkeyhole. Rias formed an aura of destruction surrounding her hands, but Akeno formed a magic circle with her hands, and as a result, a large beam of lightning flew out of it and nearly missed a DEM operative. "Why does DEM keep doing this? It's PISSING ME OFF!"

One of the DEM soldiers flew to Issei, dual-wielding energy swords that looked like they were supposed to be held by aliens that were 9 feet tall and had 4 mandibles. As a countermeasure, Issei used his laser-Ascalon to flail wildly at her, blocking her swings. Ddraig uttered **BOOSTO, **and as always, his armor momentarily glowed green to signify increased power. Issei tried to punch her in the face, but she ducked and nearly circumsised him with her laser swords. "OW! OOooooohooooww!" He cried, falling to the floor and curling up as a sphere of destruction flew into her gut, sending her back a hundred meters. "My balls! OOOOWWWWW!"**  
**

"Hey, Issei-Kun." A strong hand helped him up, belonging to his friend Kiba. "Here. Let us settle this like gentlemen." He suggested, taking out his logic-defying holy-demonic sword. "And let's play by the book-"

"F-k the book!" Issei insisted, running towards a cluster of DEM soldiers and operatives and leaping up, dodging their missiles but accidentally catching one in the balls. "OW!" He screeched, hitting one of them with the flat side of the blade and KO'ing them instantly. "Welsh Dragon NAKEDIFIER!" He screamed, pushing one of the DEM operatives away and snapping his fingers.

"Nakedifier?" Asia cringed as she ducked a missile.

"Pervert." Koneko sighed in frustration, punching one of the DEM soldiers in the stomach and transferring her momentum to her foot, kicking her in the face like a boss-pro. Issei's new power worked like a miracle; he swooped down to protect a naked 16-year old girl from death by fall, then set her on the floor calmly.

"AAAHHHH!" Issei roared, scaring her away. "One down, 989 to go-OOOF!" He choked out as Jessica flew into Issei, kicking him in the balls before punching him in the face. The breath was completely knocked out of him as he rolled across multiple front yards and stopped in a rose bush. "OW! MOTHER F-KER!" He yelped, hopping right out of the tangle of thorns, right into the line of fire for Jessica's minigun missile launcher. "OH BULLSH-T!" Screamed Issei, hopping through his neighbor's delicate flower garden and attempting to dodge her missiles. "Sorry sorry oh... crap..." He looked back at the trampled rose beds in fear, then scurried off.

"Knock knock." Koneko calmly said as Issei ran by her, screaming his head off and trying to dodge an array of missiles and laser shots from Jessica as she also flew past Koneko.

"W-who's there?" Since Asia was a bishop, her role was support, meaning all she could do was heal with her miraculous power of Twilight Healing.

"Surprise." Koneko answered, kicking a DEM operative in the chest and sending her flying into 3 others, knocking all of them out cold.

"Surprise who?" Asia asked, accidentally tripping a DEM soldier. "Ah! Sorry, sorry!"

"**SURPRISE, MOTHER F-KER!**" Koneko yelled, kicking the tripped DEM soldier like a professional football (soccer) player, who flew into another DEM operative who had a flamethrower. Exploding in a ball of flames, they both landed naked in the grassy front yard of the Hyoudou residency. "Duck." Warned Koneko, and Asia ducked a swing from a laser sword that belonged to a DEM operative that, in return, got socked in the face by Koneko.

"D-MN YOU!" Tohka shouted in annoyance, reverting to her spirit form and using her large broadsword to blast a large wave of purple energy at an incoming wave of bandersnatch, disintegrating them.

"You sandalphon sword..." Kurumi complimented, summoning her oversized, golden, time-distorting clock, "...is quite effective." Kurumi loaded her flintlock pistol with a speed-enhancing bullet with the help of her clock, then fired it at Tohka. Looking up into the sky at amazement, Kurumi saw a purple line darting through the sky and dropping DEM soldiers and operatives like rocks as they fell to the floor, naked and screaming from humiliation.

"Why does their armor fall off?" Yoshinon asked incredulously as Yoshino hid behind Kurumi.

She responded, "Poor engineering." All of a sudden, Kotori fired her inferno cannon right over their heads, burning off Kurumi's headband. Unfortunately, the blast of her cannon had enough power to throw Yoshinon off of Yoshino's hand.

"WWAAAAAaaaaaaaaa..." Yoshinon cried, flying off into the sky as Yoshino looked up in horror at the white speck steadily shrinking into the blue sky.

"Y-Yoshinon..." Yoshino mumbled with teary eyes, just _lost it. _She cried. Oh, but she didn't just cry. She friggin' cried a river, and since she was still her spirit, her emotions fueled her powers. The sky turned gray as clouds rushed in and drenched everybody in rain, enough rain to go up to Kurumi's knees. But then, the ice started to freeze over where Yoshino was standing, then soon spread everywhere and freezing the entire lake of tears over.

"Ara, ara..." Kurumi walked over to Yoshino while Issei slid everywhere, yelling and flailing his arms in surprise. She hugged Yoshino and pulled her closely, shielding her from all of the lasers and missiles flying everywhere. "Are you hurt?"

"Yo-yo-yo-yo-Yoshinon... waaaaaa-" Cried Yoshino, but was interrupted by a loud crashing noise. Issei had slid into a pickup truck, flipping over it and landing in front of Yoshino.

"What?" Issei asked, looking up weakly. "You want Yoshinon? Fear not!" He attempted to stand up defiantly. "I WILL FIND YOSHINON IN ORDER TO CALM YOSHINO! Rias, Akeno, Asia, and everybody else!" Issei commanded. "I'll drive them away from you, but in the meantime, try to calm down Yoshino **HEY, B-TCHES!**" Issei shrieked, starting to run off towards the city. "You want me dead, right? Well, COME AND GET ME!" Running off and nearly slipping, Issei tried to skate. Miraculously, it worked like a miraculously miraculous miracle. "Hehey, Ddraig! I never knew this could be so much fun! ACK!" He looked over his shoulder and saw all remaining 643 DEM soldiers and operatives flying after him, as well as a rapidly speeding barrage of lasers and missiles being fired at him as he skated along. "HEH! Ddraig, please activate the gravity propulsion rocket booster thingies on my back!" They activated, speeding Issei into the city and past frozen buildings and cars as people were running everywhere, f-king arguing, screaming, and just... creating pandemonium.**  
**

"Target the cars!" Ordered Jessica, and soon, the lasers and missiles were being fired at the cars and trucks. To make matters worse, Issei was speeding downhill and towards Yoshinon the rabbit puppet, who was caught on a tree branch. Soon, missiles and lasers weren't the only things chasing Issei.

"Oh, COME ON! Cars now!?" He facepalmed in annoyance, summoning laser-Ascalon and driving it into the icy road. He used it as a pivot to swing him into a different street as the cars tumbled down, followed by the lasers and missiles crashing on the frozen road. Issei skated down, using his laser-Ascalon as a skiing stick, exponentially gaining speed to the point where everything was a blur. Through the blur, unfortunately, he could see the rest of the 642 DEM soldiers and operatives at the bottom of the street, all firing upwards. The final DEM person was Ellen, who flew up behind Issei and tackled him, resulting in the both of them rolling down the street. Every once in a while, after somehow dodging the cars, trucks, bicycles, lasers, and missiles, they would temporarily fly into the air, commencing a brief punch trade before they smashed into the floor and started rolling again, repeating the cycle.

"JUST F-KING DIE ALREADY!" Yelled Ellen, taking out her golden laser sword.

"Nope. Bye bye!" Issei shouted, kicking her away and running, not skating, down the sloping road and backflipped into the air, giving him enough time to land on top of an 18-wheeler. Before they could destroy it, the DEM soldiers and operatives lunged out of the way and continued to fire at the truck, blowing it up and propelling Issei through the air. For 20 seconds, he was at peace. He closed his eyes and felt the cool breeze sifting through the armor and hitting his face, soaring majestically through the air like a plane. He looked down to see the city below him, the last thing he saw before he smashed into the tree and skidded across the icy floor with Yoshinon in his clutches. "SMELL YA LATER!" He laughed in success, flying away and over the city, away from the DEM.

But his flying mania ended when be abruptly smashed into his own home.

"Issei-San!" Rias ran up to the demolished house, but stepped back when she saw a red armored hand emerge from the burning wreckage. "Issei-San, are you all right!?"

"Yeah..." He stumbled out of the wreckage, carrying Yoshinon and dusting it off. "Here... Yoshino-Chan..." His balance breaker deactivated right as he tripped over a rock and got KO'd, the same time the spirits reverted to their human forms and Issei's parents' car unexpectedly arrived.

"We leave for 30 MINUTES AND THIS HAPPENS!?" His father yelled, not sure whether to be happy or devastated and wish he had adequate insurance. First of all, the house was destroyed along with most of the neighborhood. However, there were also naked girls everywhere, so one eye showed utmost pleasure, but the other displayed extreme anger and annoyance. "Hyoudou Issei!" He slapped his son awake. "Tell me, why is the entire neighborhood under 5 inches of solid ice, why is our home destroyed, and explain HOW naked girls are everywhere!"

"The entire airport is closed because of the sleet!" Issei's mom hurried outside with aviators and hugging herself to warm up. "Oh, at least we have insurance, right?"

"Let's hope ALLSTATE promises what they ensured in their commercials!" Prayed Issei's dad, running up to the house to see if anything was salvaged. "At least our son's mags are destroyed!" He cheerfully remembered, hugging his wife in success. "And his computer as well! Plus, all of our tax information is on my laptop at work!"

"But the pictures..." Issei coughed out, trying to breathe through the smoke from the fires erupting in the neighborhood. "The photo albums... what about them?"

_Silence._

"NOOO!" Issei's father fell to his knees and cried out. "THE PICTURES! And all of our son's Honor Rolls, Academic Awards, and certificates! Oh, wait, he only has one. Nevermind. But.. the pictures!" He ran into the wreckage and started rummaging around. "YES!" Ignoring the fact that he was matted in ash, he ran out, cradling various photo albums, including all of the wedding photos and entire pages of young Issei. "I found the pictures!"

"ALLSTATE HAS US COVERED!" His mother cried in joy, hugging her husband in success and happiness. "Now we just need to find a hotel!

**_Silence._**

"Aren't all the buildings demolished?" Pointed out Kiba, hiding the sword behind his back. "Including the hotels?" Cursing under his breath, Issei's dad took out his phone and tried to find the nearest place of residence, but however, THERE WAS NO INTERNET! "We could try camping!" He suggested. "Do you guys have a trailer? Or an RV?" All of a sudden, Issei's dad grabbed Kiba by the shoulders.

"Who are you?!" He demanded, slightly shaking him.

"Y-Yuuto Kiba, I'm Issei's friend!" He responded nervously.

"Issei, is this your friend?" Asked Issei's dad.

"Uh, yeah, and he lives in this neighborhood as well." Issei responded.

"Ok, well, you may come with us if that's fine with you and your parents!" Said Issei's dad.

Kiba answered, "I don't have any parents. Thanks for taking me in. Do you have enough food?"

"What?" Issei's dad scoffed. "Of course I do! The RV is packed with MREs! Before I was Issei's father, I was an avid survivalist."

"Oh, joy." Issei facepalmed. "This is going to be fun."

* * *

"Well, here we are!" His father opened the RV's side door and walked around their campsite in amazement. "Look at how beautiful the wildlife is! How... peaceful! Not a single soul around! No pesky neighbors... no delinquents loitering on our front yards, and best of all... NO TELEMARKETERS AND SOLICITORS!" Happily skipping around, he proceeded to help his wife unpack and open the RV's other side door to let out their new family members. "So, everybody! What do you think? We'll be staying here until most of the city is... refurbished."

"Doesn't that mean your business trip will be cancelled?" Issei pointed out.

"Your father's a _businessman!?_" Kotori practically yelled incredulously. "Why the f-k are we living in the SUBURBS!?"

"Uh... he's cheap." Issei chuckled, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

But to his horror, Tohka asked some questions that would change the way he looked at his parents and soap operas.

"Do you think she's a gold digger?" Tohka whispered into Issei's ear.

"W-what!?" He shouted. "NO!"

"She could be cheating on your father... who knows, under her friendly smile, she could actually be a HOOKER!" After hearing Tohka's words, Issei nearly spat out blood. "Maybe she has 11 other husbands, steadily draining from their bank accounts!"

"W-w-what h-h-how why are you saying this, Tohka-Chan!?" Issei cried. "Don't say such things to my mom! WAIT A MINUTE! Where are you getting all of this material!?" He demanded, pissed off.

"Soap operas." Tohka, Kotori, Kaguya, Yuzuru, Kurumi, Yoshino, and Yoshinon answered at the same time.

"Are you so easily influenced by those gosh darn sad excuses for dramas!?" Issei scolded. "Their stories are bullsh-t! Their acting is kind of bullsh-t! The ideas and stories are all the same bullsh-t! NOBODY GIVES A RAT'S A-S ABOUT SOAP MOTHERF-CKING OPERAS!"

"Issei-San..." Tohka looked down. "...are you mad at me?"

"Well," Issei said, trying to prevent her from going batsh-t crazy, since he knew that spirits could revert back and wreak havoc if provoked. ", yes, I'm _kind of _mad at you. All of you. I just don't want you to say bad things about other people. I understand your thoughts, but you MUST repress them, for you must treat people.. THE WAY THEY WANT TO BE TREATED!" He screamed at the sky, pumping his fist victoriously. "And if my mom was cheating, I would know already."

"S-sorry, Issei-San!" She cried, hugging him as he spotted Akeno and Rias running off and repeatedly looking back at Issei. "Please forgive me!"

"I forgive you!" He reiterated nervously. "W-why don't we go explore a little bit-"

"ISSEI-KUN!" Called Akeno in the distance. "Please come over here! There's something we want to show you!"

"Uh, okay!" Issei ran off into the direction of the voice, but accidentally tripped over a log. "OH CRAP!" Before he smashed into the floor, he could see a long, downward-sloping hill, dotted with painful-looking stones and trees. "AH! OH! OW OW!" He steadily rolled down the hill, frequently smashing into trees and rocks. "OH! BULLSH-T!" Kotori, Tohka, Kurumi, Kaguya, Yuzuru, and Yoshino all looked at each other and Issei nervously. "AH! AH! NONONOOOOOAAAGGGHHH! OW! AaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH BULLSH-T! F-k f-k f-k f-k! OoooOOOoooOOOOAAAAAGGGHHHHH! NoonononononononononOOF! Jesus bagpipe-playing Christ on a tap-dancing pogo stick! MY BALLS!" He finally came to a rest at the foot of the hill, bruised, scraped, and balls smashed repeatedly. "Ah... I'm... here..." He choked out, suddenly feeling a pair of warm hands that belonged to Akeno... ON HIS CROTCH! "EEEHH!?" He yelped, getting a bloody nose.

Akeno tilted her head and smiled. "Isse-Kun... look what we found!" She motioned to what she and Rias were standing in; a hot spring. But the spring wasn't the only thing that was hot! "A hot spring!"

"OH! Hot hot hot!" He agreed, smiling perversely. _TWENTY MO-FO'IN FOURTEEN! Suck it, 1980! 2014 is way better than my parents said it was! _**No, Hyoudou Issei.** Ddraig snapped in disagreement. **You're saying that because you never _experienced _the golden 80s. My host kept getting stoned and partied out, and that's how he eventually got killed. NOW HOP IN THE HOT SPRING! I'm DYING to get into one! **Issei's balance breaker suddenly activated. "W-wait, what!?" He shouted in confusion. For some reason, he couldn't control his body. "Ddraig! Stop controlling my body! What will I do if my parents see me in the Welsh Dragon Balance Breaker Scale Mail, huh!?" **Aaahhh... **Ddraig sighed in satisfaction as he controlled Issei's body to dive into the hot spring. **...I could stay like this forever...**

"Issei-Kun!" Akeno pulled Issei into her chest. "We will have lots of fun on this camping trip-"

"AKENO." Rias said slowly, looking like she could kill somebody. "Ise-Kun is mine!"

As an arguement erupted, Kotori poked her head out of a nearby bush. "How dare they try to take by beloved Onii-Chan!"

Right next to Kotori emerged Yuzuru. "Disagreement. I will seduce Issei-Kun first."

"D-mn you!" Tohka shouted, emerging from the same bush. "I will claim him first before any of you!"

"Ara, ara..." Kurumi appeared out of the shadows, overlooking Rias and Akeno as the argument started to get physical... and magical. They started to compare bust sizes, then overall sexiness with Issei as the judge. "...we have quite a competition here, but we all know I will emerge the victor... ufufufufufu..."

"Issei-Kun has a lot of blood..." Koneko stated, observing the hot spring's waters turning red.

Soon, however, the water wasn't going to be the only thing turning red.


	12. Chapter 11

**An official DATE A LIVE MOTHER-FLIPPING MOVIE WAS ANNOUNCED! I'm hyped. Oh, yeah, I'm hyped! I'm as hyped as a gargoyle on speed. So yes, I can't flipping wait. But I hope you don't have to pay to watch it. That will suck. Oh, yeah, YouTube! They always have ****_something._**

**I just noticed that in the summer, they will release a LOT of new anime titles, such as Sword Art Online, now probably going to be GUN Art Online (which I have yet to watch) and other anime titles. I don't want to become addicted to them _just yet, _because then I will have a LOT on my watch list and that will probably affect my grades. So for now, I'm sticking to Date A Live, Highschool DxD, and Highschool Of The Dead (quit screwing around and release S2!).**

**Also, HIGHSCHOOL DXD MOTHERTRUCKING SEASON 3 WAS ALSO ANNOUNCED! That's right, the sacred Season 3! YES! The summer will be a painful 2 months of waiting... but when it comes out, I will lock myself in my room and not come out after I had watched both anime titles and written chapters for the stories to my heart's content.**

* * *

"WHAT? NONONONOOOOO!" A sickening crunching noise was heard, accompanied by the lurid splattering noise as a red, pasty liquid flew everywhere and all over Kurumi's smiling face. "Seriously? You couldn't just CUT the darn watermelon with a KNIFE instead of, like... using a SWORD to cut it!?" Issei facepalmed and shook his head, smiling and not sure whether to be mad or celebrate. Kurumi had borrowed Xenovia's sword, which was assumed a very professional cosplay prop by Issei's parents, and used it to slice a watermelon in half like a boss. She proceeded to chop the watermelon normally, using the gigantic broadsword like a kitchen knife... LIKE A PRO. And then she ate a slice sexily by licking it... LIKE A **PRO!**

"Ara... it is quite delectable..." Kurumi handed a fresh watermelon slice to Yoshino, who tried to balance it on one hand with Yoshinon on the other. _Yes..._ Issei thought in a crazed manner. _...these are nice melons... especially Rias's... and Akeno's... Xenovia's... Tohka's... Kaguya's and Yuzuru's... heck, Kurumi also has them!_

"Issei-Kun." Koneko sighed in disappointment. "Are you having lewd thoughts?"

"W-WHAT!?" Issei screamed, freaked out about how Koneko suddenly appeared behind him. _Koneko doesn't have any... but her cuteness makes up for it! _"N-no-no way! I was just thinking about... melons..." Koneko swiftly raised her steel-toed shoe to kick Issei in the flippin' groin, and as soon as it made contact, his balls were smashed. She was small, but she could, like, lift the Hulk over her head and tear him in half.

Something still troubled him.

_DEM Industries is still active? _Issei thought in horror. _How is that possible?_

**Oh, yes... **Ddraig said. **...DEM Industries is gone. Most definitely. Their stocks plummeted, and their company just declared bankruptcy and lost all of its funders. However, it's the remnants. They are still a threat. Who knows... maybe ValvE is the new DEM! So that means no Counter-Strike: Triple Threat and Left 4 Dead 3, but instead, dead spirits. But I doubt such a thing will happen.**

"Dinner's ready!" Announced Issei's dad. The sun had just set, creating a picturesque camping scene in a forest that was dangerously similar to the American Ozarks. The fire was blazing as the food was finished cooking inside the RV. "We have... SUKIYAKI!"

"YES!" Issei fistpumped in victory and gave Kiba a bro-fist, but accidentally tripped o'er the same log he encountered when running down the hill. After faceplanting in the grass, he got back up with a bloody elbow and continued running to the RV.

"Tonight, we will be sleeping in the tent, because, you know, it's awkward for all of us to sleep in the same place." Issei's mother advised, hugging her husband. "That means... ISSEI!" She warned. "Don't wake up the whole campsite, and you can only do it once you're married!"

"EhWHAT!?" Issei blushed madly from embarrassment. "W-what are you talking about?"

"Itadakimasu!" Thanked everybody else, except for Issei's parents and Issei, who was too embarrassed to continue. Tohka took a bite and immediately fell in love, then started to madly shovel the rice, salad, tofu, noodles, and beef in her mouth.

Issei poked at his dinner, looking at it nervously. "Onii-Chan!" Snapped Kotori. "Just eat already! I don't want my beloved Onii-Chan to go to sleep hungry for the night! Do you want me to _make _you eat?" She raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms as she glared at him. _Ok, ok, fine! _Issei thought as he started to dig in. "Yay! Does Onii-Chan like my cooking?"

"Wait, you cooked this?" Issei asked in disbelief. "No wonder it tastes like mom's cooking. And mom's cooking is good! It's GREAT!" He laughed nervously as he saw Kotori clench her knife in anger. _Wow... my imouto sure is a little hot-tempered! Wait... after all, she is the spirit of fire!_

* * *

"Huh!?" Issei cried in pain. "SHOWER! TURN BACK ON! NOOOOO!" He was _almost _done washing himself! But the water HAD to run out at such a critical time! "I JUST STARTED! CURSE YOU, SHOWER! Work! Come on!" As he put his face right in front of the shower head, it turned back on. "BLURBGGLLUG Oh, thank god! The water's back..." He finished washing himself, turned off the shower, and scrambled for the towel before falling out of the shower. "OW! Oh, there's the towel!" He dried himself off, wrapped it around his waist so he now had a kilt thing, then walked outside to see heaven. Blood spurted out of his nose as he saw the spirits having a pillow fight... IN NOTHING BUT THEIR BRAS AND PANTIES!

"Yeah, they've been doing that ever since you started taking a shower." Kiba said, who was setting up his sleeping bag on the floor. "Don't mind me! I'm fine sleeping on the floor. Just don't go walking around at night." Issei scrambled to the sink, then bent over and released the torrent of his nosebleed. After 3 seconds, he turned on the faucet to wash the blood away and thoroughly flossed and brushed, mainly because of Ddraig's lecturing on how he must floss and brush his teeth well.

"OK time to go sleep!" Kotori shouted, grabbing a pot and smashing Issei in the head.

Later...

"Onii-Chan! Onii-Chan!" Giggled Kotori, jumping up and down on Issei's bed. "ONII-CHAN!" She barked, starting to tapdance on his bed, right over his groin. "Wake up, Onii-Chan! It's 7:00 AM!"

"Mwah..." Issei, who was still sleeping, grabbed Kotori by the ankle and pulled her down to the bed. "Ima... vampuyah..." He mumbled, tugging her under the covers and slowly licking her neck while unconscious. "Alaaalaahhh..."

"D-MN YOU ONII-CHAN!" Kotori rolled over and b-tch slapped him across the face. "I'm just trying to wake you up! Baka, baka Onii-Chan!" Slapping him again on the face, Issei jerked 100% awake.

"Huh?" Issei felt the giant, red welt forming on his right cheek. "What... what happened? NOOO! I was having a DREAM! Come on, think! THINK! What was it about!? Maybe I can continue it! HNNNNNGGGGHHHHH-" SLAP! Kotori backhanded him across the face again. "OW! Oooooowwww! My own imouto slapped me! Oooohoooowww!" After rolling out of the bed and onto the cold, hard ground, he got up to his feet and scrambled to the bathroom, threw the door open, and closed it behind him, locking it. However, he failed to take into account before entering the bathroom that Koneko was practically naked and drying herself with a towel. Blood splattered all over her, fresh from Issei's nose as he scrambled back outside. _Ohsh-tohsh-toshiiiiiiiiiiiiii-_

"Ohayo, Issei-Kun-" Kurumi smiled, but was interrupted when the bathroom door opened. A lone hand shot out, grabbed a surprised Issei by the hair, and dragged him inside. For the next few seconds, screams and punches were heard, followed by the sound of a head smashing against a toilet and flushing. The towel rack was ripped off and used as a club, then the bathroom door flew off its hinges.

"Ok, what the FUUUUU-" Issei screamed before a foot flew into his face with enough force for him to fly out of the bathroom and hit the wall upside-down, before sliding to the floor and banging his head against it. "NonononononoAAAAHHH MOTHER FU-" He screamed right before he got knocked out when Koneko calmly smacked him in the nuts with the towel rack, then went back inside the bathroom to change into her clothes for the day. Rolling on the floor while curled up into a ball and blood vessels bulging out of his eyes, Issei did not say a single word nor move one solitary millimeter, even as he rolled under the RV's table.

Kaguya and Yuzuru stuck their heads out of their bunk beds as they awoke. "Issei-San!" Gasped Kaguya as she leapt out of her bed, wearing purple neko-themed pajamas, and ran over to Issei, bending down so she could nurse his wounds. "What happened?"

"Ko-Ko-Koneko s-sma-s-smashed me in t-th-th-the balls..." Issei choked out, shaking incessantly from the vehement pain vibrating through his balls, before spasming his arms and blacking out.

* * *

A spider jumped on Issei's face. "EHEH! GET IT OFF!" He yelped, running into a tree and killing it. He took a shower in pain. He ate breakfast in pain. He brushed his teeth in pain. But worst of all, he now had to go on a hike with Rias, Tohka, and the others after his parents asked, or rather forced, him to do so, even though his groin still hurt as if they were injected. So far, the "hike" was a boring walk through the park trail.

But it wasn't going to be boring in 5 seconds!

5 seconds later...

Issei pried a dead spider leg off of his shirt before he heard a ghastly loud noise that sounded like a combination of a grenade going off and a gauss cannon firing. "AUGH GET DOWN!" Screamed a voice, and all of a sudden, Issei was tackled to the floor by a 7-foot tall person completely covering his body in some futuristic white and orange powered assault armor, with a black bodysuit underneath. He was holding a rocket-launcher-laser thing in his right hand and a suitcase 5 feet long in the other. "I said, GET DOWN!" Reiterated the mysterious person in a pre-pubescent voice, standing up with the laser weapon and firing it in the direction he came from. It was essentially an oversized, shoulder-mounted laser rifle with the words "GREEN BURST" spray-painted on one side. "Who are you?" He suddenly asked, letting down his guard as he looked at Issei.

"More importantly, who the h-ll are _you?_" Akeno shot back, ready to fry his brains with her lightning powers so they exploded out of his nose and ears like oatmeal. "Speak!"

"I'm not telling you, 'cause it's classified," The person ducked a spear made out of purple light flying over his head, "...but everybody calls me SPORK! And that's what you should call me. Spork. Spartan-II Spork!" Raising his laser-thing, he fired once more into the wilderness. "I'm telling you, somebody messes with this thing's sights when I'm not looki-URK!" He choked out before another spear made of purple energy flew into his stomach. Instead of going through him, it pushed him back and into an oak tree. "Ooohooooowwwww!" Spork whined, falling off and struggling to stand up. "D-don't mind me, I'm A-OK! This MJOLNIR powered assault armor I wear is tough as... oh crap... uh... guys, you may want to RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!" Spork screeched in a shrill voice, picking up his laser weapon.

"...strays?" Rias spoke in a confused and incredulous manner. "What are strays doing here?"

"WHAT?" Issei practically shrieked. "Strays?! What kind?!"

"_That_ kind." Xenovia sighed in annoyance as 14... women in their 20s with angelic, black-colored wings flew out of the forest. "Fallen angel strays."

Rias conjectured, "I assume they killed their master and ran away."

"Wait, waitwaitwait. Would you please tell me what strays are? 'Cause the UNSC- ehem... command told me that I was going to be eliminating some 'biological analomies', not THESE!" Spork pointed a shaky finger to the fallen angels, who all took out swords and spears made of purple light. "Oh crap! First of all, my Spartan Laser is... out of battery." Dropping his 'Spartan Laser', Spork looked at the briefcase he _was _carrying. "Guys. Yes, you." Spork looked at Issei, the spirits, and the demons, whom he had no idea their true identities. "Stay back. It's for your own good."

Rias gave the order to back up as Spork walked over to his suitcase and opened it. Issei was attempting to save mental images, well, because... female fallen angels were HOT, even though they all had black hair and purple eyes! "I summon thee!" Spork reached inside the suitcase and took out a friggin' large, 5-foot long, dinosaur-killing claymore wrapped in plastic shopping bags. "PLASTIC SHOPPING BAG THINGIES!" Grabbing the sword by the handle and pointing it at the fallen angels, he demanded, "Who are you beautiful ladies?"

"Fallen angels." Issei answered as Spork threw off the plastic bags. The blade glinted in the air like a mirror, and it looked fresh, despite its handle hinted its old age. Not a single scratch or chip on the blade. It was brand new, or at least he looked brand new. To everybody except Spork's surprise, he cut himself on the hand, and in an instant, the claymore glowed purple and changed his armor's secondary orange color to sapphire blue.

"CAN IT!" Spork suddenly ordered in a demonic voice. "NOBODY ASKED YOU A GOD D-MN THING." He pointed the blade at the fallen angels again, but they flew down and surrounded him so they all surrounded him. "So you're fallen angels, I see, I see. Well, guess who I am. A human. Yes, a human, a normal human. But what isn't normal? MY DICK!" He shouted. Issei snickered involuntarily, but Spork got kicked in the stomach hard enough so they could see his blue visor turn into red as he coughed blood all over his visor.

"Spork-San!" Asia cried out in distress. "Don-"

"I SAID STAY BACK!" Spork roared. "Also, I'm not Spork." Resting the claymore on his shoulder, he slowly rose to his feet and looked at the supposed leader of the fallen angel strays.

"**I AM KNIGHT- 700- FOON!**"

The term "stray" has a lot of different meanings, but to all angels, fallen angels, and devils, it simply meant "deserter". Its official definition was "a being that betrays his or her master, escapes and/or kills, kidnaps, or does something to his/her master, and escapes, wreaking havoc. That's what the 14 fallen angels were. Strays. Deserters that were as deadly as cowboys. But that meant jack sh-t to Foon! He was a Spartan-II, the strongest soldier in the galaxy and also a gentleman. Roaring inhumanely, the former Spork lunged to one of the fallen angels and took on a fencing pose. "EN GARDE B-TCH!" Foon declared, swinging at her with only one hand and staying in place, effortlessly parrying her light sword attacks. "Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, EXCELLENT!" He shouted victoriously, stabbing at her chest and splitting everything above in half length-wise. Looking over his shoulder to face Issei and the others, he said, "Good, now keep staying back, because this is going to be... NAS-TAY!"

One of the fallen angels leapt behind a tree after firing a massive, purple burst of energy at the crazed Foon with her spear. "Watch, watch this!" Foon demonstrated, cutting down the tree effortlessly with one one-handed swing of his claymore. Using his right hand, he forced the claymore vertically into her neck. Hand still on the sword's handle, Foon walked up to her casually until his helmet's visor was touching her face as the life faded from her. "My, you're pretty." He chuckled sadistically before driving the sword in deeper through her neck, letting go so she fell to her knees, and yanking it out with his left hand as he spun around. Blood sprayed out like a water faucet all over his armor as he bent down to face her. "You got blood on my suit." He said in a French accent, brushing some blood off of his armor as the fallen angel fell to the floor, obviously dead.

"What is a stray?" Foon asked casually to Rias as he ran to another fallen angel. "You'll feel a little prick!" He warned, slicing off her left arm. "Well, not a little." He used his sword to slash across her stomach, followed by all of her intestines falling out.

"A... A..." Rias was too shocked by Foon's violence to continue. "...somebody who deserts their superior..." The color from her face was rapidly draining as she saw Foon drive his sword through the fallen fallen angel's skull to make sure she was 100% dead.

"So you deserted your masters!" Foon used his left forearm to protect himself from the dragon-killing lasers fired from the fallen angels' swords and spears, which had basically no effect on him and his armor. "Well, deserters need to be punished!" One of the fallen angels was ambitious enough to fly down and attempt to shove her light spear up Foon's anus, but instead, he just swung his sword at her and tried to have her fly into his sword. However, she used her spear to block his swing and used him as something to slide across the floor, stepping on his chest forcefully as she raised her spear, ready to bring it down on her head. Foon held his hand up to Rias, who was ready to fire her powers of destruction at the fallen angel to signify he needed no help. He raised his head so the fallen angel brought her spear down on the floor instead of his head, and thanks to Newton's law of inertia, she was still gripping the spear as she embedded it in the floor, resulting in her flying forwards and skidding across the floor as Foon, who was still sliding across the floor, backflipped into the air and threw his sword at her chest, skewering her to a street light.

"Thaaaank you." Foon thanked like a gentleman, bowing as he removed the sword from her chest. "Nice bazongas, by the way." He complimented, then he ran off and resumed the battle. One of the remaining fallen angels used her spear to fire an incredibly powerful laser at him, but missed and ended up firing at his feet. Instead of having his legs blown off, Foon used the blast from the laser to propel him through the air. Unfortunately, the fallen angel flew to Foon and kicked him _so hard _he landed on the ground and created a 10-meter wide crater. "Man... Japanese chicks sure are powerful as they are beautiful..." Foon used his claymore to support himself as he stood up and raced the remaining 11 fallen angels. "Oh, man, what is this song called? 'Worship You'?"

"Hey, that's the FIFA 14 main menu theme!" Issei pointed out in excitement.

"FC Barcelona FTW." Foon replied, dusting himself off.

"I prefer Brazil, but, oh well-" Issei responded, but was responded when Foon held his hand up.

Looking up, Foon asked, "Do you hear that? It's calling you. It's calling for help. AND THAT'S WHAT I NEED! So would you please help me KILL THESE MOFOS?!" Foon yelled, raising his sword and holding it like a baseball bat. "Teeeammmworrkkkkk! What's gonna work? TEAMWORK!"

"Gladly!" Kurumi agreed, jogging up to Foon and transforming into her spirit form as Foon wiped the blood off of his sword with his index finger and thumb. Kotori dual-wielded her inferno cannon and fire axe like a bamf, or bada-s mother f-ker. Akeno giggled as she formed two lightning bolt spears in both of her hands, while Xenovia and Kiba took out their swords and got ready to serve justice... chopped. "Good." Foon smiled, now seeing that everybody was ready and that Issei was now in his balance breaker.

"**NOW LET'S DO THIS YAAAAAH!**"


	13. Chapter 12

**SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN A WHILE! I was... busy. Check out the next update for _Blood Gulch Spirits _for more information... if it EVER GETS OUT, right?**

* * *

"Uh... Welsh Dragon clock thingy!" Issei tried to summon Kurumi's time distorting clock. "Uh... GO! CLOCK! Darn it... how do I do it? Uh... oh, f-k it! INFERNO CANNON!" Issei didn't activate his balance breaker yet, but he didn't need it, since he already had Kotori's inferno cannon. But when one of the fallen angels threw her spear straight at his balls. "OH MOTHER FUUUU-" He screeched, dodging out of its initial trajectory but was in horror to find out that IT WAS HOMING! All of a sudden, Issei was pulled back by Yoshino right when a few icy crystals the size of rhinos sprang out of the floor and blocked the spear.

"Issei-Senpai, please stay safe!" Yoshino pleaded. Yoshinon was no longer a puppet, but now a huge rabbit. A live rabbit with fangs, was 10 stories tall, and looked as scary as Bugs Bunny on crack. "I'll protect all of you!" Spork/Foon was one-handedly swinging at a dead fallen angel on the ground, dismembering it with each swing. He was a swordsman. Not just any swordsman, a freakishly good swordsman. Just then, one of the fallen angels swooped up behind him and KO'd him with a whack to the back of his head with her sword. The sapphire color in his armor turned to orange again, along with his visor.

"Heh? What? OMGWTF!" He yelped, scrambling back after he noticed the grisly battle scene around him caused by his evil self. "D-did I do this?"

"No, Foon did." Issei tossed Spork his Spartan Laser, but instead, he smacked it away from him. "Uh... why did you do that?"

"I don't need the Spartan Laser!" Spork insisted, smiling confidently underneath his visor. "Even if you don't wanna know, I will tell you who I am. I am the true manifestation of the power of the United Nations Space Command. I am the strongest fighting force ever created! I am one of the greatest warriors in the galaxy of all time! I am greatness itself! I... AM... **SPARTAN! **007." He took a pose the same way one would prepare to run a 400 meter sprint, then took off running towards one of the fallen angels, who had a laser sword. "YAAAAAAHHHHH!" While he was running as fast as Usain Bolt, he smashed his right hand into his left, which was open, and Mike Tyson super-punched the fallen angel square on the chest. He was still standing in the same pose with smoke rising off of his right arm. Panting and looking down at said arm, he fistpumped successfully. "I did it... I... DID IT!" He yelled victoriously, but lost all hope when the dust subsided. "Heh?" The fallen angel was still there, and to retaliate, she Falcon-Kicked him in the stomach, sending him sliding back to Issei and still standing while he clutched his chest. Fortunately, his foot touched the claymore lying on the floor, commencing the transformation.

"WE GOTTA STOP THEM!" Foon declared, picking up his claymore and getting ready for action.

"Yeah, and that's going to be the hard part." Akeno giggled, firing a massive barrage of lightning and disintegrating a fallen angel.

"LESS TALK, **MORE ACTION!**" Picking up a rock from the ground, Foon tossed it into the air and hit it with the flat side of his sword at the fallen angel, who simply ducked it. By the time she stood back up, Foon was already up to her and ready for a swordfight. But he lost when the fallen angel kicked him in the balls during one of her parries, sending him flying into the air as another fallen angel tackled him in midair and sent him crashing to the ground.

"Douche." Koneko commented, smacking aside the fallen angel that threw Foon to the ground.

"H-hey!" Spork frowned. "Why did you call me a douche? What did I do? Well, what did _Foon _do?"

"Foon did something he was never supposed to do." Explained Koneko. "Underestimate a fallen angel." She kicked Spork out of the way of a light spear thrown by one of the remaining fallen angels, and to serve revenge, Spork kicked the Spartan Laser off of the floor and into his hands. "What is that?"

"IMA FIRIN' MY LAZAH!" Spork roared, pulling the trigger once on the Spartan Laser. However, he forgot that he was aiming it backwards, so instead, he fired at the floor. "Huh? I'm POSITIVE I charged it full last night? What? It was facing the other way? Ok... I am firing my laser AGAIN!" He turned it back to the fallen angel Koneko slapped and pulled the trigger once again, but the Spartan Laser rapidly beeped 3 times. "OUT OF AMMO?" Spork shouted in dismay while observing the battery compartment on his weapon. "Uh... hey, guys, as you know, I do not have any more weapons, so... may you please give me one? I can't use my claymore, because then, I'll go do something stupid again."

"Here." Issei shoved Tohka's sword, Sandalphon, into Spork's hands. "Take this." A fallen angel flew down to finish off Spork, but he swung Sandalphon over his head as if he was a five year old trying to swing a splitting maul. The blade struck the fallen angel on the flat side, smashing her into the floor and leaving her head sticking out like a golf ball, ready to be hit. And once again, something terrible happened. A gigantic spider the size of an elephant suddenly appeared in front of Spork.

"It's a familiar!?" Rias yelled, aghast. "I-I've never seen one so large before, let alone one owned by a fallen angel!" The spider was more like a hybrid; it had the body of a serpent but the legs of a spider, so it looked kind of like a demented millipede. "Spork-San, stay back!"

"AUGH! SPIDER!" Spork shrieked, jabbing a finger at the spider-snake. "KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!" Raising Sandalphon, he literally dropped it over the spider's head, smashing it into the floor. The spider easily dodged the failed attempt at a stab and used its front legs to swat Spork away as if he was a fly. After smashing into a tree, Koneko picked up Spork's claymore and tossed it to him right as Kaguya and Yuzuru decided to revert into their spirit forms. Clocking him on the head, Foon picked up the large-a sword and Sandalphon, and while yelling something unintelligible, he used the tree as a diving platform to lunge straight for the spider. And then, all of a sudden, Foon slapped both of the swords together while he was rapidly flying towards the spider, who was now firing purple lasers out of its eyes. Sandalphon completely enveloped the longer but not as heavy claymore in purple light, and as a result, Sandalphon was no longer Sandalphon. It was, like, three times larger and probably 30 meters long.

"H-H-Halvanhelev?!" Tohka cried, suddenly changing back into her human form. "Everybody, STAY **BACK!**"

"The f-k is a Halvanhelev?" Issei asked curiously, but got silenced when Koneko grabbed him by his shirt's collar and pulled him away as the blade struck the spider. Purple epicness was exploding everywhere like a galaxy imploded on itself, and soon, Kiba was smashed against the floor by a headless, gigantic spider flying into him. When the light went away, there was only one fallen angel left alive, and Foon was still standing in the position he was in when he pwned the spider, spasming occasionally and not noticing as the smoke rose off of his armor and the sword.

"T-thankyou..." Spork returned back to normal and immediately dropped Havanhelev from the immense weight. "What? HHHNNNNNGGGGG!" He grunted, trying to lift it up with all his might off of his bleeding foot. "OW! How heavy is this gallbladder-gobblin' thing?! Expelliamus-get-the-heck-off-of-my-foot-US!" More struggling, but it was hopeless. When he wasn't under the influence of the claymore's curse, Spork was a weakling. Tohka walked over and lifted the sword off with zero effort as it disintegrated into purple light and dissipated.

"Oh, I see..." The fallen angel, injured, slowly rose to her feet. "The kid gloves are off... YOU STINKING B-TCH!" And in 3 seconds, the sky was full of fallen angel and devil strays. Hundreds of them. No, thousands. Perhaps ranking in the millions. How nobody could see was...

Issei nearly gouged his eyes out from pure frustration, and Spork fell to his knees and threw up blood all over his visor from the shock of so many flying people. After all, he was a normal human... what would one expect? "I-Issei-San! There are so manyyyyy!" Asia whimpered, hiding behind Akeno as she merely smiled. "What do we do? Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo?!" Clasping her hands together, closing her eyes, and looking down, Asia prayed, "Lord, please bless Ise-San and the others in battle! Amen!"

"Don't tell me I have to call in reinforcements!" Spork rapidly tapped buttons on his wrist console and held a button down on his helmet. "Stratos? Hello? HELLO? Uh... if anybody can hear me... you said that survival was not guaranteed for this mission, right? Well, please, guarantee it for meAUCK!" After shining brightly in the sky like a star, a futuristic-looking drop pod landed right behind Spork, causing him to fly forwards and skid across the floor. An armored hand shot out of the dust and grabbed Spork by the neck. "S-Stratos! Well, is it good to see you here! Uh I need help? Please?"

"Oh, Spork!" Stratos stepped out of the drope pod as the dust cleared. Her armor was identical to Spork's, except her helmet had a larger visor, an emerald green shade, and a black and yellow armor design pattern that made it look extremely cyberpunk-ish. "Let me show you!" For some reason, even though she was, like, 8 feet tall, Stratos sounded much younger than she actually was. Reaching back inside her drop pod, she removed some weapons: a GAU-8 Avenger minigun, which gave Issei bad memories of the flying attack killer whales, and an ammo belt that stretched back inside the drop pod, which was UNFOLDING INTO A MECH!

"Uh, Stratos, I'm glad to see you accepted my request, but don't you think that's a little overkill? What will the UNSC do?" Spork asked nervously as he scrambled up so he stood on top of the mech as everybody got ready for another battle... a very _lengthly _one.

"Spoooorrrkkk..." Stratos groaned in annoyance, "...in battle, there is no such thing as 'too much'." Reluctantly, Tohka handed Spork his claymore. Politely taking it by the handle, he flipped it like a helicopter as Kaguya and Yuzuru... formed a gigantic bow?

"**LIGHTS OUT, MOTHERF-CKAAAAA!**" Kaguya screamed, who was aiming the massive chain-metal-sword-spear thing bow formed from Kaguya's and Yuzuru's spirit weapons. Yuzuru, who was grabbing the chain-string thing that lauched the massive barbed-metal spear, flew back while holding the string one hundred meters and let go, releasing the spear as it zipped through the air faster than light.

Nobody could escape the wicked nasty poker stick.

* * *

"That Spork guy was a weird fellow, huh?" Kiba remarked as he caught up with the rest of the group, jumping over a fallen tree. Kaguya and Yuzuru _wiped out the entire army of strays _only with their bow and spear. More like large-a*s ballista and... I don't know... mountain? Now that everybody was gone, Issei and his friends could now resume the walk through the forest in peace. "But Stratos.. was weirder."

"And hot!" Issei added, opening the mental pictures he saved of Stratos. "Shame they had to leave, though."

"At first, I thought he was a fallen angel stray _himself_," Rias admitted, "because fallen angels beside spirits are the only species known to have an alternate, evil self. That is, until I discovered how weak he was. He's stronger than most humans, though." Without any warning, a rotten hand from a charred corpse fried from Kaguya's and Yuzuru's tide-tipping spear shot out of a pile of charred leaves and grabbed Issei by the ankle, who immediately activated his boosted gear, then used laser-Ascalon to chop it off.

"GET YO D-MN FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!" Issei shrieked, leaping away and kicking the arm off of his right ankle. "Stupid after-death reflexes."

"Ara ara... I thought I killed that one already." Akeno stepped forwards, and soon, sizzling blood was spraying everywhere and all over Akeno. "There we go. All dead now."

**Seriously, **Ddraig said cautiously, **she freaks me out. And so does the Nightmare spirit.**

"Uh.. what do we do?" Kiba pointed up the road to the parked RV. "If they see us like this, what will be our choice of action? Will they assume we are murderers? Is that even _their _RV?"

"Oh, Issei!" His mother poked her head out of the RV. "Are you back from your walk already? That was only 5 minutes!" Issei's face melted off and bubbled on the floor before all of his organs exploded out of the hole in his head where his face used to be. _5 minutes? We were only gone for FIVE FLIPPING MINUTES?_ Issei thought. Luckily, his face didn't really fall off, nor did his organs explode everywhere. Sure felt like it, though. "Issei! ISSEI! Stop spacing out! Go on! Just... don't stay inside all the time, ok?"_  
_

"WHAAAAT?!" Kaguya shrieked, stumbling backwards. "5 minutes? Is she crazy!? We were fighting them for, like, 30 minutes! Hours!"

"Agreement." Yuzuru declared. "That was not five minutes." A few meters behind the group, 3 girls, who were apparently watching the whole battle and hiding behind a bush, looked at each other in nervousness, then back at the group before saying in order,

"They were gone for five minutes?!" Whispered the first girl, who had blonde hair.

"More like 5 hours." Silently scoffed the brown-hair girl.

"That's so lame." Muttered the last girl, shrinking back into the bush. Issei shook his head and started to walk to the RV, stepping over a headless body and looking back up at the trailer-on-wheels-with-an-engine-RV. There was a corpse of a devil sticking out one window, blood was dripping off of the extending rollup awning, and finally, there were 5 heads skewered on the antenna like a bloody, meaty and brainy kebob-kebab-kabob-kabab-kobob-whatever-you-call-it.

"EHEH! EEEHH!30 " Issei gagged, then bent over and threw up right as his father walked out to greet his son and friends. "D-dad! T-the antenna!"

"Yeah? What about it?" His dad looked at the antenna. "I don't see anything."

"T-THE AWNING!" Issei pointed to the awning dripping its reservoir of blood, but once again, his dad saw nothing. **Normal humans cannot perceive the corpses of fallen angels, devils, and humans in any way. **Ddraig mentioned. **Sorry for not telling you earlier.** _Oh, really? WELL, YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE SORRY! _Issei thought as he resumed throwing up.

"Well, lunch is ready! We have kebabs with a bunch of fruit and meat we just slapped on, and... KETCHUUUUPPPP!" His dad paraded back into the RV, opening the windows and failing to take into account that a corpse was hanging out one of them. Finally, the smell... Issei looked back at the antenna with the skewered heads and thought of the kebab. Yep, he just lost his appetite for the ketchup as well, right when he glanced at the awning dripping blood. Rias ran inside the RV right when Kotori accidentally bumped into Issei.

"Onii-Chan!" Kotori smiled, pulling him inside the RV and tripping him over the stairs. "Don't be late! It's time for lunch, Onii-Chan!" How exactly she could go from tsundere spirit to a friendly, naive and cute imouto was like trying to find out how a yandere like Yuno Gasai's mind worked; it was pretty much near impossible. "Ooh! Kebabs!" Tohka grabbed one of them and slid the meat and fruit off of the wood skewer, then swallowed all of them whole while Kotori took a small nibble of the fruit.

"THIS TASTES SOOOO D-MN GOOOOOODDDDD!" Tohka cried, covering her mouth as she spoke. "Itadakimasu!" Issei picked one off of the plate and took a bite before running outside and throwing up everywhere. And that, kids, is why you never look at gory scenes right before eating food. And that is also why you do not let your guard down when you are regurgitating, because for some reason, somebody will smash a rifle stock into your face and drag you deep into the forest. And that somebody was..._  
_

Issei looked up with a bloody nose and had an instant heart attack. "D-DEM Industries! Why the h-ll?" And this time, they wanted to make sure he didn't escape. And when they make sure nobody escapes, they go overkill; anti airgraft guns were pointed at Issei, as well as hundreds of laser rifles, machine guns, and rocket launchers. There were even two 18-wheeler trucks with gigantic fish tanks instead of the truck crates, and inside the fish tanks were orcas with Gau-8 Miniguns on their flippers, ready to fly out. There were probably around 300 DEM soldiers surrounding him, all female and ready to murder Issei. "Uh... whoa... eh heh heh..."

One of the DEM soldiers stuck her head out of the thick enclosure to see if there were any witnesses in the park trail. There was a single policeman with not one, but two .38 revolvers by his sides. "Excuse me, sir!" The DEM soldier removed her armor in seconds, leaving her in normal civilian clothing. She ran out, saying "There's something on your neck! Let me get it off for you." The 'something' on his neck was soon a combat knife with a hardlight blade as the girl stabbed him in the neck with her right hand. Spinning around and using her left hand to remove the knife, blood splattered, like, everywhere as if it was a fire hose.

"Uh..." Issei stood up as the girl tossed the policeman's corpse at him, then noticed that the DEM soldiers and operatives had formed a circle around him with explosion-proof riot shields blocking any of his attacks and laser weapons poking out between the shields. "What do you want? Money? H-here! I'll fund you!" He tossed a penny at one of the DEM soldiers, and in response, a laser was fired and nearly missed his crotch. "OKAY OKAY! Wait... OH! You want _this?_" After he pointed at his no-no square, Issei wasted all of his energy trying to dodge the laser and missile orchestra. "Seriously... what... do you... want..." He panted, falling to the floor and blacking out.

* * *

"Hyoudou Issei." The pillowcases were thrown off of his head, and to his biggest b-tch-switch-flipping surprise, Isaac Wescott was sitting behind the desk Issei was facing. Isaac Wescott. No injuries whatsoever. What. So. Ever. "Ah, welcome to the brand new refurbished and rearmed DEM Industries-"

"Kiss my a-s!" Issei easily broke out of the ropes holding him down in the chair, but his arms were still tied behind his back. Leaping across the table, he headbutted Isaac Wescott on the nose and leapt out the open window behind him.

30 seconds later...

Issei was back in the chair, tied up once again, this time, with two guards standing next to him. Isaac Wescott held his nose shut to stop the bleeding as he spoke. "As I was sayig-" This time, Issei fell back, broke the ropes holding his feet back and kicked the two guards in the face, then flipped on his back and jumped over Isaac Wescott, out the window once again.

1 minute later...

"You're quite the lively one, no?" 5 guards were pointing their laser shotguns at Issei, who was now _bolted _into his seat with nails driven through his arms and feet as if he was in the friggin' _Passion of the Christ_. Not only that, there were chains around his arms, legs, and neck, all connected by a series of padlocks and handcuffs. "Well, I'm sure you won't be getting out this time. This is grade-a titanium, strong enough to withstand even a spirit's strongest inverse attack. This includes spacequakes." To torture Issei, one of the DEM operatives stepped forwards and slit him on the wrists, then rubbed poison ivy all over.

"It's very itchy, right?" She asked with a smug-evil grin.

"That's what she said!" Issei smirked, activating his boosted gear and balance breaker in an instant. Screw titanium. The very power released from the activation of the balance breaker was enough to fry all of them, including the nails driven through Issei's hands and feet, the chains, padlocks, and handcuffs. Tackling the girls, he injected the curse of the dress breaker in them, broke their clothes, then threw the chair into Isaac Wescott's face. "FEAR THE POWER OF THE DRESS BREAKER!" He screamed, backflipping out the window and snapping his fingers at the same time to nudify them.

5 seconds later...

"What? HEY! OWW!" Issei winced as two DEM girls grabbed him by the arms and legs. One of them took out what looked like a deadly-looking syringe and injected it into Issei's left forearm, then smacked him in the face with the butt of her rifle. When he woke up, he found himself in a jail cell with titanium, electrical, plasma, lava, and spiked bars. "Darn it! I'm telling you, Ddraig, I SHOULD have gotten away those times."

**Small wonder DEM is doing this. They are seeing you as a very immovable obstacle in the way their objective; killing the spirits. Now that you are here, DEM Industries can now go... on a spirit massacre.**

"Aw hail NAW!" Issei leapt up to his feet. "There has GOT to be a way out of this. Hmm... let's see... OH! BUSTEDDO GIA! Huh? BOOSTED GEAR! What's going on?!"

**BUSTEDDO GIA!** Ddraig shouted, and Issei's left forearm glowed green. Pain shot up his shoulder and webbed across his torso like having molten lead poured down one's ears. **This is not good. The drug the DEM Soldier injected in you appears to repress your dragon and demon powers. Right now, you are just a normal human, but the healing effects of Asia's powers might be able to reverse the effect.**

"Uh, excuse me?" Issei asked the guard guarding the cell. "I need to take a piss. Can you give me, like, a bucket or something?" The guard hesitantly threw the bucket in between the titanium-electric-plasma-lava-spiked bars, and Issei roundhouse-kicked it right into her face and KO'ed her. "OOH! Pwned by a chamber pot! Whoo! Ddraig, did you see that?! That was awesome! Whoo hoo! YEAH!" Reaching out in between the everything-proof bars, he fidgeted around the DEM girl's armor, then found a remote switch thing. Pressing the red button, the bars immediately deactivated. Ripping off the girl's armor and revealing her in the nude, he got a nosebleed of the kings, burned a few images into his mind, and ran off after picking up her laser shotgun. But just then, the alarm sounded off. "Don't worry, Ddraig! I got this, well, because... I play Counter Strike." Issei grinned confidently as he heard the orders being shouted in the distance and DEM soldiers and operatives running to Issei's position both above and below him, as well as on the same floor.

"I'm a psychic." Said a voice behind Issei as he walked past an open door into a room. The sound of a .600 Nitro Express revolver's hammer being pulled back was heard behind his head. "And I can tell you the last thing that's going to go through your mind."

**Smooth move, Hyoudou Issei, **Ddraig facepalmed in disappointment, **now you're screwed.**

"J-Jessical?!" Issei sputtered incredulously, peeking down at his shotgun. _CALM DOWN! I play Counter Strike. _Flipping off the safety, he looked over his shoulder and right down the barrel. Ouch. Well, basically, the only practical reason for one to own a .600 Nitro Express revolver was if you wanted to go blow up your neighbor's ugly car with one shot. ONE SHOT (to the engine). Not 50 from a normal automatic weapon, ONE. From a _pistol._ A pistol that is 13 pounds and has enough recoil to smack the shooter's head off.

**AAAAHHHH!** Ddraig suddenly screamed out loud so everybody could hear, and as a result, distracting Jessica. **Ok, Hyoudou Issei. Now is your time... to GET THE H*LL PUT OF HERE!** Shoving Jessica aside with nanosecond timing, Issei darted out into the hallway and right past one of the alarms, ear raping him. Next, after tripping over an engineer walking in the hallway, he ran around a corner and straight into 10 DEM girls. Turning around, there were 20 more DEM girls. Running back the way he came from, he saw 50 DEM girls blocking the way.

**Well, f-k.** Ddraig gawked.


	14. Chapter 13

**Yeah.. I kinda forgot about the "updating" part of my stories, because (thinking of a good excuse) oh, I'm on a vacation in UTAH! I hiked and hiked in Zion National Park, and I went to the Narrows, the park overlook, the... uh... well, I was busy for the past few days (or week). And I am sorry, so I'll make it up to you later in the story.**

**Just to warn you, I'm going to be visiting my cousins in Kansas soon, so don't expect updates for 2 weeks.**

* * *

"How do I nullify the drug's effects?" Issei sputtered, looking around him frantically. "I have 100 guns pointed at me, Ddraig! I need to GET OUT OF HERE! AUGH!" **I have an idea,** Spoke Ddraig, **and if this doesn't work, I do not know what will. Right now, I want you to think your most perverted thought. As perverted as you can. Your rage is not what fuels me. It is your perverseness, Hyoudou Issei. Let it loose. I have a new move planned, and it's an improved version of the Mike Tyson Falcon Punch.**

"Ah, Hyoudou Issei!" Isaac mo'foin' Wescott appeared in front of one of the DEM squads. "I never expected you, a being who is so powerful, to be trapped by mere humans. Then again, we are not mere humans. We are wizards; masters of magic. And we are the people who will exterminate all of the spirits-"

"Hmm, there's something in my pocket." Issei successfully visualized his most perverted thought. "Oh? Look what it is!" After digging around in his left pocket with his left hand, Issei pulled it out said hand and flipped Isaac Wescott off. But he didn't have just _any _normal left hand! After momentarily glowing green, his left forearm was now the balance breaker gauntlet. "Surprised, eh? It turns out that my perverseness is what fuels Ddraig and makes me so powerful! And by thinking of the most perverted thought anybody has ever thought of, I successfully nullified the drug... with the power... of the RED WELSH DRAGON!" **Baransu Breika! **Ddraig uttered, and once again, Issei Hyoudou was in his scale mail boosted gear balance breaker, ready for action. "Smell you later!" He winked, raising his left forearm and activating laser-Ascalon. Flying upwards, he punched through the roof and started to fly away.

Unfortunately, a strong pair of hands grabbed his shoulders and threw him to the floor. After creating a crater in the floor, right outside the new DEM Industries, he looked up to see the same woman with platinum blonde hair and the white-black mech armor that had a glowing golden visor. "Good work, Ellen." Isaac Wescott congratulated the blonde woman, then turned back to face Issei, who was on the floor and rolling around, screaming.

"How the fennel-flapjacking f-k are you still alive?!" He cried, pointing nervously at Isaac Wescott, who was now in a mech suit that looked like it was merged with the armor Spork and Stratos were wearing. It looked very stooky... and very scary at the same time.

"The two... soldiers... we monitored appeared to have state-of-the-art armor." Isaac Wescott explained. "Well, not state-of-the-art. It's supposed to be physically impossible, because the amount of damage it can take is pretty much astronomical to this world. Thanks to them... I will finally fulfill my dream. My dream of killing the spirits and harnessing their power... to end the filth that this world has bestowed upon the universe! I WILL BE THE DESTROYER OF THE-"

"Speaking about filth," Issei coughed, "that is something that can be used to describe your breath."

**COUGH COUGH,** Ddraig said loudly.

"Well, if you don't mind," Issei waved over his shoulder as he started to walk away, "I'll be taking my leave. Toodle-oo."

But 50 DEM girls blocked his way.

**Hyoudou Issei, **Warned Ddraig, **if you want to try out this new power, well, only use it as a finisher. And look out behind you. **Isaac Wescott lunged to Issei, taking out his dual laser swords as the DEM girls took formation and started firing away at Issei. This was their chance to kill him. But that chance was going to be wrecked by him. After he spun around and ducked, Issei punched upwards and landed a hit on Wescott's gut, sending him flying upwards and right into a truck that was pulling a gigantic fish tank with... flying orcas armed with GAU-8... AVENGERS! Forget hunting planes. These things were, like, fully automatic missile launchers.

Isaac Wescott shot at Issei with his laser pistol, grazing his right thigh. Out fell a playboy magazine on fire. "NOO!" Issei shrieked, then looked at Isaac Wescott with the fiery eyes of a PO'd saiyan. "How DARE YOU! That was a special issue playboy anime magazine! We're talking about GURREN LAGANN! It was a playboy anime GURREN LAGANN mag!"

"Look at all the flying f-ks I don't give!" Evilly laughed Wescott. The flying orcas with machine guns started to fire at Issei, but he instead blocked all of the bullets with laser-Ascalon and slashed at one of the orcas, splitting it in half and showering him in guts, temporarily blinding him and giving one of the DEM girls to fly forth and smash Issei in the balls, sending him flying into the foot of another DEM girl, who kicked him right into a missile fired by a final DEM girl. After skidding across the floor, he bent over and vomited blood out of his helmet.

"Hey! That hurt! B-tch." Grumbled Issei, getting to his feet as another DEM girl flew up to him and planted two, spiked boots right in the kisser. He slid across the floor and into the path of an approaching tank, going over Issei's balls with its treads. "OW! OW! MOTHER F-KER! OOOWWWWW! Ough... jeez, SCREW YOU oh sh-t RUNRUNRUN!" He screamed, running in the opposite direction of the tank. It spun around and unloaded a shell in his a-s, smashing him into the floor and leaving his lower body half sticking out of the floor. "Ddraig, remember Honnouji Academy? THIS IS OVER 9000 TIMES WORSE!"

Just then, Issei was hauled out of the ground... by...

"MMPPPHHHTTTT!" Sputtered Issei, scrambling backwards across the floor. _So I do have another reason to be scared! _He looked up and stared straight into the eyes of Origami Tobiichi, one of the new students at Kuoh Academy. And Origami Tobiichi was working for DEM. His classmate. Origami Tobiichi Tobiichi Origami. "O-Origami-Chan... I mean Origami-San! What are you doing here?" Now that he could see her up close, he noticed why she was often mistakened for Koneko's older sister; she looked nearly identical to the loli rook; snowy white hair that was (if you read _Master Chief and Friends Versus the Multiverse, you will know what I mean) _FRIGGIN' SHOULDER LENGTH, some nice blue eyes, overall slightly attractive body, but a face so beautiful it was like a work of art. And that face was also a poker face. "EHEH! DON'T KILL ME! EHEHEHEHEHEH!"

**Calm down, **Ddraig ordered, **she does not look like she wants to end your life.**

"Uh... I can explain..." Issei chuckled nervously as Origami turned around to face her colleagues. "What are you doing?"

"I will be helping you get out of here." Origami explained, and then she took out a smoke grenade and threw it at the ground like a bamf. As if she was batman, she grabbed Issei and flew off as sh-t hit the fan, which included the lasers, rockets, and anti-air guns being fired up at the air. The plan to escape apparently did not help a single bit, proven when a rocket flew into Issei's balls and sent him flying through one of the building's windows, right into a scientist and KO'ing him. _COME ON! I NEED TO BREAK THE EFFECTS OF... whatever this is, a nerve agent? HHHNNNGGGGGGG AsiaxAkeno! AkenoxKurumi! YoshinoxAsia! These thoughts aren't perverted enough! I must achieve... NOSE BLEED! _"Why are you making that face?" Asked Origami calmly, towering over Issei as he rolled on the floor with a combined expression of what appeared to be constipation and perverseness.

"This may sound like an awkward question, and I hope you won't hate me for this, but... it's what is necessary to escape from this hellhole!" Issei shouted valiantly. "ORIGAMI TOBIICHI! LET ME GROPE YOU!"

"Ok." She responded without hesitation, dropping her weapons and raising her arms at her sides. Gawking and letting his jaw hit the floor in disbelief, Issei cautiously poked her on the chest, and for the next 5 seconds, she was drenched in blood fresh from Issei's nose as he giggled like a baby on meth, savoring the feeling of her and rolling on the floor as his boosted gear glowed brightly and unfolded across his body, leaving him in the MARK XVII EXOSUIT RED DRAGON MISSILE LAUNCHING SHOTGUN LASER RIFLE DRAGON SLAYING LASER SWORD SUPER GODLY OVERPOWERED BOOSTED GEAR SCALE MAIL!

"YUSSSS!" Issei screamed, fistpumping in victory and hugging Origami. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Yes, now we can finally escape! YES! YUSS! WHOO HOO! HAHAH! SMELL YOU LATER B-TCHAS! SAYORANA! KISS. MY. A-S! Eh?" He heard a clicking sound behind him, and he turned around to see Ellen grabbing Origami, pressing her pistol's barrel against Origami's neck. 6 DEM soldiers flew up through the hole in which Issei entered the room, surrounding him. "Oh, you have got to be sh-tting me." Murmured Issei as the color drained from his face, but immediately regained color as he raised his hand. "DORESU BUREIKU- I mean, DRESS BREAKER B-TCHES! What?" He snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. "Oh, you have GOT TO BE F-KING KIDDING ME! Sorry gotta go bye!" He turned around and caught a rocket in the a-s, along with a barrage of lasers on the back and head. "MOTHER F-KER!" He screamed, smashing out the window and hitting the floor, sending cracks webbing across the floor.

"Eh heh eh hehe!" He choked out, stumbling to his feet and jogging away. "Don't kill me! Eheheh!" Jumping into the nearby bushes, he peeked out to see that there was no logical way even his remains were going to make it out intact, let alone his dead body _in one piece. _"Ddraig, do you have an escape plan? Ddraig? Hello? Darn it... ok, how did that one black guy escape slavery? He.. oh yeah! He hid in a box and waited to be shipped out! Yes.. this is genuis! I WILL SURVIVE!"

2 days later...

"GOD D-MNIT! Well, whoop dee mother f-kind doo." He looked all around him nervously. He wasn't in the DEM Industries anymore. He was in... DEM HEADQUARTERS LOCATED IN ENGLAND. Mother, f-king, England. "So I tried to escape a hell hole... and now I ended up in a f-king abyss of death. This is perfect. OH YOU LOOK HAPPY!" He snapped at one of the girls aiming her rifle at him. "Yeah, look happy when I dress break all of you for the whole world to see! And I hear London has a lot of... SECURITY CAMERAS! Come on! FEEL THREATENED! Well this isn't working. Ddraig, do you have any better ideas?"

**You should have jumped out when we were flying over the Middle East, **Ddraig chastised.

"And be blown up by terrorists?" Issei started to crawl back in the cardboard box he was hiding in. "What? I'm positive that magazine was in here somewhere!" A few seconds later, he stood up with his hands above his head. "Yeah. You got me. Now what? Good luck trying to KILL ME WHEN I HAVE THIS BALANCE BREAKER! Where's Rias? And Akeno? And... and... and Tohka, Kurumi, Kaguya, Yuzuru... hey, HEY! You know exactly where they are, right? Where are they? Oh, I get it. You're not saying anything until your superior shows up? I see, I see... so, where is your SUPERIOR? Oh, what's with that confused face? Can't understand Japanese accents? Well, guess what? I can't understand jack sh-t about what Isaac Wescott is talking about. Why? Because I KILLED HIM!"

"Hyoudou Issei." Said Isaac Wescott in a derpy manner. Turning around, Issei froze in terror and rubbed his eyes. "The DEM combat suits sure are effective, aren't they-"

"Ok, ok, calm down." Issei told himself. "Calm down. Ok, I've calmed down. BY THE GREAT HORN GOD D-MN TAP DANCING BURGER FLIPPING MOTHER F-CKING SPOON! How in the world are you still alive? Huh? I saw it, and you saw it too! Well, more like felt it. The PUNCH! There was no possible, no logical way nothing can withstand an overboosted infinite drive Mike Tyson Falcon Punch, let alone get out of it in ONE INTACT PIECE. Just... how? Is it the armor? I knew it! That armor you were wearing looked suspicious, but next time, I'll kill you for sure. But for now... where the h-ll am I in England?"

**London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, **sang Ddraig, **London bridge is falling down, my fair lady.**

"London!" Isaac Wescott responded proudly, taking a teacup from a tray that a DEM girl was holding next to him and pouring in some tea. "Ah... yes... the frosty mornings I like to gaze out on... and see all the good I'm doing the world. But then I remember you. What you have done to keep pushing us further and further away from our goal. You've sealed most of the spirits, right? Well, I guess that leaves around... oh, 3 more to be captured by us. We will show you the real way to handle these creatures... once we've killed you."

Issei shook his head defiantly. "NOT YET! I still haven't finished building my harem yet! And most importantly, I have yet to conquer Rias's virginity! Until these events happen, no way in lesbian Mormon heaven am I dying. So, as I was saying, ASCALON! Huh? ASCALON!" He started to flail his left arm in the air in a crazed and frantic manner, trying to summon the laser sword that would finally kill Isaac Wescott. "Huh? Ddraig, what's going on? Why can't I summon laser-Ascalon?"

**Look at your right hand, **ordered Ddraig, **and try not to let it hit the floor. **Fearfully, Issei slowly rotated his quivering right hand to see a dart sticking out of it. All of a sudden, his vision started to flare up in colors and distorted his balance, so as a result, he had to hold on to the box to stop himself from falling off of the Earth. And then the ground was above him, inside him, and everywhere. The visions of the various inappropriate magazines he read were flashing across his eyes, along with the mental images he saved of Rias and the others.

"Oh... Rias.. uughhh..." He mumbled before he blacked out.

Some time later...

The very first thing, the _very very _first thing he perceived the instant he regained consciousness, was a painfully sharp sensation in his balls. "EEEHHHH!" He shrieked, jerking awake to see that he was in a white room and WAS FLOATING IN THE AIR, SUSPENDED BY GRAVITY CUFFS AROUND HIS ARMS AND LEGS. "Huh? AUGH! I'm gonna be tortured! Please don't tickle me! Or burn the magazines in front of my eyes! Please, I beg of you! Darn it, this isn't working. Ok, you got me. I said it once so I will say it again. Now what? Kill me? Kill Ddraig? Kill La Kill?"

"Very well!" Chuckled Jessical (Jessical is her new name) deviously, taking out Issei's _Neon Genesis Evangelion _(I'll call his magazines imags) imag and disintegrated it with a shot of her laser pistol. "Oh, what's that? You bought it for fifty dollars? Well, let this be the last face you see before you die." She reached down into the ashes and picked up a half-charred picture of Rei Ayanami. But Issei didn't want Rei Ayanami to be the last face he saw. He wanted it to be either Rias's, Akeno's, Asia's, Koneko's, Xenovia's, Irina's, Ravel's, Tohka's, Kurumi's, Yoshino's, Kotori's, Kaguya, Yuzuru's, or his parents' faces. Not some friggin' anime character! He didn't even watch it that much!_  
_

"What do you want?" He groaned, shaking his head in dismay, then tried to break free. "HHHNNNNGGGGG! Darn it, these sure are strong! HHRRRGGGHHHH Well, this is pointless unless I somehow get my power back. And just how do I get my power back? I don't know, do you, Ddraig?"

**We'll head west.. and never stop... until we reach the great Pacific! **Ddraig shouted in defiance. **This is the inevitable dream... a justified dream... called MANIFEST DESTINY!**

"Ddraig, I'm not exactly looking for history lessons now." Sighed Issei, fruitlessly struggling to get out as 5 DEM girls entered the room, all wearing the mech suits and pushing in surgery trays full of syringes, screws, screwdrivers, scissors, needles, hair dryers, and other things that can hurt you painfully.

**No, Hyoudou Issei, **Ddraig answered, **when the Americans swore they would head west until they reached the sea during the 1800s, they would not stop and give up until they got what they wanted. So I want you... yes, you... I want you... to not give up on living and GET US OUT OF HERE. **Just then, one of the DEM girls strapped a cable onto his chest, while another one started to place C4 packs all over him. **Oh, mother of Lucifer. They're going to blow the armor off of you, so... uh... think of something else while the bombs explode. It'll reduce the pain levels. **Jessica held a detonator in her hands with a crazed, yandere-like smile on her face as she squeezed the trigger. Luckily, the balance breaker armor prevented his body from being disintegrated and dismembered violently, but it didn't stop the extreme forces of the blast as it rocked him back and forth. Fire exploded everywhere, forming a small vortex combined with dust and the screeching groan of the payload igniting.

"Heh heh..." Jessica was shaking from excitement and allowed the spasms to travel down her body as soon as she saw that Issei was left in his normal clothing, the balance breaker destroyed. "Get me the nutcracker. We have a pair to crack."

"What? Please nononnoooo! Anything but the nutcracker!" Screeched Issei, flailing his arms and legs in an attempt to shake himself free as he saw his impending doom approaching closer and closer.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

**Sorry for the short chapter... I am a bit choked up on time here. Also, if you've been reading my awkward 38+ chapter story (Master Chief and Friends Versus the Multiverse), please tell me if I should continue it, redo it, or put it up for adoption. I think it really sucks, but it's the readers' opinion that matters.**


	15. Chapter 14

**For some reason, Weiss reminds me of Elsa from _Frozen. _Maybe it's because of their... overall appearance, definitely not character, though.**

**Good news for the readers of _Master Chief and Friends Versus the Multiverse: _the story will be continued. However, I will be rewriting it later so it is "better", according to me.  
**

**Why isn't _Blood Gulch Spirits _super popular? Why? Whyyyyy? If you have the time, please check it out. For fanservice. Here. In this story. Lots of ecchi that god's money can buy. So please. I just want to see some more views. And favorites and follows. And reviews. Ok, maybe I'm asking too much of you.**

**I have currently 3 upcoming stories. But I'm keeping my "in-progress" story count at 2, because having to constantly update both is a hassle for me. Dudes and dudets... I keep getting sidetracked by REDDIT when I'm writing. That's why I'm taking so long.**

* * *

"OOOOH SH-T." Issei gawked as Jessical opened a suitcase and took out a hair dryer. And as we all know, hair dryers and skin do _not _mix. "What are you planning to do with that, woman?" He asked cautiously, tugging at the arm gravity restraints. "Drying your hair with that? Or... are you going to burn me with it?" Jessica answred his questions by turning on the hair dryer and cutting off Issei's shirt. "YEAH look at those abs, woman! Bloody 8 pack! Well, more like... 4... hey, at least I'm not fat! Just wait until I train with Tannin the dragon (hey, that rhymed)! I'll be stronger! EEEHHH!" Whined Issei, flailing around. "Balance breaker anti heat! OOW! OW OW OW! That hurts, woman!" The hair dryer was pressed against his belly button, and his stomach felt pleasantly warm. But then it got hotter. Very hot. It felt like getting floor burns at Kuoh Academy's gym then having fire ants walk over them, biting madly. Soon, it felt so hot that Issei nearly broke his arms and legs flailing around. And then it got cold. Very cold. And then Issei spasmed, knocking the hair dryer out of Jessica's hands. There was now a painful third degree burn bored into Issei, burning through his skin.

"Where are the spirits, Issei?" Jessica purred, trying to wring some answers out of him his favorite way.

"America." He responded with a grin. "They're in the land of freedom and opportunity and over patriotism and guns. Lots and lots of guns." Next, Jessica sensed utter bullsh-t in his answer and walked over to a table, picking up a dangerous piece of sandpaper. Walking over to Issei, she started rubbing it slowly up and down his sides. "Huh? Sandpaper? Oh no, please, no! No no no no!"

"Again," Smiled Jessica, who was the king of sadists, "where... are... the.. spirits?" She leaned in closer, rubbing the sandpaper harder and much faster, scraping his skin and creating extremely painful abrasions and giggling as she saw Issei making a constipated-pained-about-to-explode expression. "Please do not lie. Come on... give me a straight answer!"

Smirking, he answered, "As long as I live, I'll never tell you where they are! They're not in the city, because it's destroyed. They're not in Japan, because they wanted to go on a trip. They could be anywhere in the world. And this so-called 'toture' is jack sh-t compared to Honnouji Academy, so you may bend down and kiss my a-s! From this point forwards, I'm zipping it shut. ZIIIPPP."

And so...

Jessica started to laugh. She laughed and laughed, and it was one that Issei had never heard before. The other DEM girls nervously cleared the room, replaced with flying bandersnatch units hovering the scene with high quality video cameras. It was a psychotic laughter, one that only showed that Jessica's mental state was slowly descending into hell. Yep, she lost it. Now, her eyes were bulging as she stopped laughing, now spasming with a sadist expression on her face. ¨God d-mnit woman," Issei shouted nervously, ¨take a chill pill or something!¨ But he was immediately shut up when Jessica put her helmet back on, completely covering her head and the visor glowing bright green. She picked up a shoe stuffed with god awful smelling socks and tied it to Issei's face.

¨I'll just have fun with you until you start talking!" She said, skipping around to the next table and picking up a tazer gun with a pepperspray attachment. The torture was going to be painful, and hopefully no blood would be spilled besides the dark red liquid oozing out from the sandpaper scrapes. However, the stench of the socks and shoe was overpowering. The putrid smell worked its way into his nose, killing off his senses as he coughed up a little blood. It smelled that bad. His head started to spin and spin, so when Jessica ripped it off of his face, he started vomiting everywhere. The air smelled like heaven, but when he saw the tazer-pepperspray gun, he immediately lost all of his hopes. Jessica walked up sexily to Issei and took out her combat knife, placing an incision on his armpit before spraying the pepperspray there, her face gleaming with joy. And psycopathicness. If one were to pour salt water right on one's open stomach, the pain would be nothing compared to what Issei was experiencing._  
_

¨STOP IT! EHEH!" Cried Issei, moving his head forwards and trying to headbutt Jessica. Unscrewing the pepperspray can, she dumped it on his armpit wound and walked away as the ear-shredding scream clawed its way through the interrogation room, inflicting nightmares on everybody who could hear it except for Jessica.

¨Do you have anything to say?¨

¨YES!¨ Issei yelled valiantly. ¨BOOBS OUTWEIGH A MAN'S LIFE!¨ Facepalming and groaning, no longer laughing and smiling psychotically, Jessical walked over to a table with tools arranged on it. When she rested her hand on a scalpel, one of the room's walls exploded open with blinding blue light. Out of the smoldering wreckage ran a DEM scientist.

"SPIRITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" He screamed, but got silenced when the blade of the same sword decapitated him, but nobody knew that his head was actually separated until the blood spurting out of his neck pushed it out and onto the floor. The sword, which had a chain attached to its handle, suddenly flew and darted across the room, effortlessly decapitating all of the supposedly "unstoppable, overwhelming force" of bandersnatch. Out of the smoldering wreckage appeared Yuzuru carrying Kaguya on her shoulders, smiling a smug grin as she spun her chain sword around.

"Yay! We found you Issei-Senpai!" She cheered, hopping off of Yuzuru and running up to Issei, shoving aside Jessica _so hard _she smashed through the wall. "Come on! The other spirits and demons are waiting!" Running up to the gravity cuffs that were restraining Issei, she swiftly destroyed them with one swing.

Falling to the floor, he looked up and smiled. "Thank you Kaguya and Yuzuru! But in order to get out of here, I need to activate my balance breaker... and the only way to do that..." He walked up to Jessica, who was trying to take out her pistol to shoot him in the face, "is to gain a state of immense power and perversion! HEHEHEH!" He ripped off Jessica's mech armor, fueled by adrenaline, and blood splattered all over her when he saw that there was no clothing under the armor. "MMMPPPHHHTTT! Yes! It's working!" A gigantic, green glob of energy from his forearm swallowed him up, bounced around the room, and exploded in front of Yuzuru, revealing Issei in his balance breaker. "BOOSTED GEAR BALANCE BREAKER! Toodle loo, b-tches!" Grabbing Kaguya and Yuzuru, he flew out of the room... and right into a tank.

"Objection." Yuzuru said flatly, getting up and walking to the tank. "Nobody brings a tank into a hallway." In the blink of an eye, Yuzuru had already spun her massive drill-chain whip around in the air like a lasso and thrown it at the tank, destroying it in one hit. The people inside, however, did.

"Issei Hyoudou!" Isaac Wescott walked down the hall in his mech armor, accompanied by 50 other DEM soldiers. "Breaking out of here will not be so easy. Because... WE ARE UNDERGROUND!" Facepalming, Kaguya and Yuzuru merged their weapons in a flash of white light to reveal the gigantic chain-sword-drill bow and arrow. Soon, there was a gigantic hole in the ceiling that led all the way to the surface. "Don't let the spirits escape!" Flying forwards, Issei dragged Isaac Wescott to the same room where he was being interrogated, ignoring the wave of lasers, missiles, and laser sword swings that struck his armor. He sealed the hole and all possible entrances with a glowing, green, hardlight opaque energy.

Now they were alone in a gigantic room.

"You just don't die huh?" Growled Issei, balling up his fists and smashing them together. Ddraig uttered (BOOSTO), and as a result, the emerald green gems on his armored forearms started to glow brightly as Isaac Wescott took out two laser katanas. Issei slightly moved both of his fists apart so he could see that green bolts of energy were going in between his fists, which wasn't a good sign. "Well, I'll make sure that you'll be killed SO HARD you won't be able to miraculously survive! HUG OF DEATH!" He shrieked, unleasing the green lightning burst of energy forming between his hands by opening out the way he would want to hug someone. However, IW simply bypassed the attack by ducking it.

**Hyoudou Issei, you're going to have to let me BOOSTO before your attacks have any actual effect on him, **sighed Ddraig as the boosted gear temporarily glowed green. **And no, the infinite drive is only reserved for extreme circumstances, if you were wondering. **Summoning a boosted laser-Ascalon, Issei flew up to Isaac Wescott and led a powerful strike on his neck, which only bounced off and left no effect. **See? I need to BOOSTO more! BOOSTO! **2 missile launchers unfolded over IW's shoulders, firing away at Issei, who just had to fly away from them, catch them, and throw them back at Isaac.

"Your emotions are all f-cked up sh-t creek without a paddle! GO GET SOME!" Issei shouted as he fired dragon shots at Isaac, who easily dodged them and returned fire with his laser miniguns.

"WRONG!" Merely laughed Isaac. "Human emotion is just a highly evolved form of logic."

"Really?" Flying up to Isaac, Issei boosted his power one last time and Falcon Punched Isaac right in the face. "WELL, MY FIST IS A HIGHLY EVOLVED FORM OF LOGIC AS WELL!" Isaac flew back into the wall with a booming shockwave, crumbling it into dust. "Oh well gotta catch up with, you know, the twins, so TOODLE LOO B-TCHES!" Turning around and waving, he ran out before flipping IW off and firing a dragon shot back at him, flying off through the hole in the wall and the same one in the ceiling, catching up with Kaguya and Yuzuru. "Uh, so... thanks for saving me Kagya and Yuzuru! I really owe you one!" And then two gunships were flying next to them, snipers and machine gunners ready to let loose. Even worse, they were firing out of tiny holes in the dropship's deploy doors so it was impossible for Issei to just fly up and have them shoot each other. "Yes. And we should FLY FASTER!" Grabbing both of them by the wrists, he sped up to speeds of Mach 3, which was pretty fast (faster than bullets).

A rocket sped below Issei, then arced up and smashed him in the balls. "OW! Ooh, that's gonna hurt tomorrow!" And then he realized that the gunships were still right behind him; even worse, Mach 3 was the fastest he could go. So he flew straight up and wondered why Kaguya and Yuzuru used their chain sword-spears to slingshot away from Issei, and then he felt the cold beam of metal smash into his face as he flew into the London Eye. The chain wrapped around his ankle and dragged him deeper into the metal beam before he flew free, right behind Yuzuru as they tried to evade the 2 gunships still on their tails. "Uh... yeah, gunships, GUNSHIPS NO GUNNING! GUNSHIPS NO GUNNING! GUNSHIPS NOOOO GUNNING! Darn it, this isn't working! HYAH dragon shot b-tches!" It bounced off of the armor made of trimonite and exploded, only killing a lone fly.

Kaguya and Yuzuru suddenly slowed down fast enough for the gunships to suddenly lose sight of them, and resulted in one of them smashing through London's clock tower but not being actually destroyed by it. "D-MMIT YUZURU FLY FASTER!" Shouted Kaguya, turning around and flying into the streets to avoid being detected. Approximately 10 street lights were smashed before Issei finally got his bearings back and flew alongside Kaguya and Yuzuru.

"Noooo!" Issei shrieked, pointing upwards to the two gunships. "I don't want us to have an end worse than _Mass Effect 3! _Come on in here!" He stopped by what he thought was a fruit market and walked in to what was actually a pub. And when 2 inhumanly (then again they aren't humans, are they..) gorgeous girls walk into a place full of drunk people wearing so-called "astral dress" that is actually skimpy clothing, things will happen. Luckily, Issei pulled the two out before the 'things' actually happened. The gunships were outside waiting there for them, and the only place where they couldn't go and lose track of the three... was in the channel tunnel; an underground tunnel that went under the English Channel that led to France! "Surely they'll lose us in the English Channel Tunnel!" He shouted frantically.

5 minutes later...

"Welcome to France... aw crap." Issei looked around him to see 50 gunships surrounding Kaguya, Yuzuru, and himself with guns at the ready. "Ok, maybe they didn't lose track of us. Hyah EYE RAPE GRENADE!" Ddraig unleashed a fury of green armor from within the balance breaker, letting out blinding green light and giving the three enough time to fly into one of the gunships, throw out everybody, dress break the pilot and throw _her _out, and casually fly away as if nothing happened.

"Warning." Yuzuru warned, pointing at the radar to 49 blinking dots behind the dot in the middle. "The plan did not work as you planned." After punching the throttle all the way forwards, Issei was deafened by a sudden, incessant beeping noise and blinded by a flashing red light, followed by the words **MISSILE LOCK **flashing on the window's HUD.

"Flares. WHERE ARE THE FLARES?!" Cried Issei, scanning the control board and mashing random buttons. Suddenly, Kaguya had an idea. Pushing him out of the seat, she sat down at the chair and opened the dropship's left and right troop deployment doors, then turned the gunship around and let the missile fly in one of the open doors and out the other like a boss. Before the missile could correct its trajectory, it smashed into the Eiffel Tower and bought the gunship enough time to fly off. "Hot d-mn! Yuzuru, did you SEE THAT! That was... hey Kaguya high five! SWEET!" Suddenly, 2 gunships appeared next to them and opened their deployment doors to reveal that DEM soldiers with machine guns were firing away at the pilot section of the ship. "I'll cover you guys YAAHHH!" He formed a glowing aura dragon shot of dress breaking and ran in the line of fire, firing it at one of the ships but missing as the lasers merely sparked off of his armor and had no effect.

All of a sudden, the ship lurched forwards as Kaguya locked the missiles in place, fired them, and threw the throttle forwards all the way until the handle snapped off. As a result thanks to Newton's Law of Inertia, Issei flew back and smashed through the back of the gunship and spun multiple times in the air before he finally got his bearings back and corrected himself with his rocket thrusters on his back, finally noticing just how many gunships there were flying after the one Kaguya and Yuzuru were flying away in, all firing with their missiles, cannons, lasers, and machine guns yet not seeming to run out of ammo. Flying and gaining speed so he was matching the same speed as the attackers, he flew up to one of the gunships and landed on top, running all the way to where the turrets were mounted and ripped off one of the 14.5mm DShKM guns, mounted it on his armor, and flew off, wondering why he discarded all of his weapons in the first place.

Unfortunately, Kaguya and Yuzuru decided to fly faster, and Issei's balance breaker was already at its max. "What? WAIT! Hold on! I need to CATCH UP!" He shouted, dodging a missile that was fired at him. Little did Issei know as he was attempting to approach the fleeing plane that Kaguya and Yuzuru were so far successfully piloting, a little green dot found its way on his back as he managed to land right next to the spirit twins. One final missile was fired at them, and the gunship maneuvered so the missile simply flew through it. It, however, gave the sniper the golden chance to take a spirit's headshot with the pull of a trigger while the scope zeroed in through the plane's window.

She fired.

AND COMPLETELY MISSED!

Well, she didn't _completely _miss. The sniper, dropping her rifle to the floor in horror, realized at who she had just shot in the escaping plane. Not the spirits, but...

**What is this, **Ddraig shouted, **the FOURTH time you've died?! **After the balance breaker fell off in pieces and disintegrated into green light as his body fell on the cold, hard ground in an expanding red pool. Right smack-dab x-marks-the-spot in the middle of his chest was a large hole the size of a basketball, in a perfect circle as bright purple light rose off the edges. He was completely, utterly, obviously, no-need-trying-to-prove-that-he-was-as-dead-as-a-doorknob with a cherry on top. Because the bullet was very fragile, it sort of exploded when it hit Issei and scattered its fragments all over the insides of his abdomen, so regeneration was going to be a pain in the a-s. **Every single time you die, regeneration takes longer and feels more painful! DON'T DIE NEXT TIME!****  
**

_How can I predict that I'm going to be shot by a sniper, huh? _Mentally snapped Issei, clearly pissed at the fact that he was dead again. _ScrewyouAAAAIIIIIAAAAAAAGGGHHHH! _The spirit twins failed to notice that he was slowly but steadily regenerating his wounds along with pain and the fact that he was still barely and miraculously living. _WOOOOH WOOOOH NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE WOOOOOOHHHH!_

**What? **Ddraig asked.

_Nothing. _Issei responded. _I just felt like doing that. Was I shot with an AWSM? Those things are one shots on Counter Strike! Both Source and Global Offensive!_

**No, you were shot by your classmate, **Corrected Ddraig. **Yes, y****our classmate. I am not kidding.**

Meanwhile, the spirit twins were "sort of" pissed.

Well, saying that would be a massive understatement.

Meanwhile, the spirit twins were "incredibly" pissed. I mean, seriously! Who wouldn't be pissed when the person who freed Rias from a horrible fate, the person who avenged his own death... twice (or thrice, I lost count), and the person who saved humanity from beings who themselves were saved... when that person who did all that died? Thunderclouds rushed in and completely covered the sky, followed by Zeus sh-tting a bunch of lightning bolts as if he was on meth. A scream much more eerie than a banshee's clawed its way through the air, and soon, all 50 gunships were falling through the air right smack dab in the middle of what seemed like a gigantic golden laser. Kaguya and Yuzuru, much to the fear of the regenning Ddraig, was nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden, a chain shot out of nowhere with a massive sword drill on the end and speared a few of the ships with one swing, exploding them in the process.

Following the chain back to its owner, Ddraig saw that it was coming straight from a dimming, purple light to reveal an unknown orange-haired girl with a combination of Kaguya's and Yuzuru's spirit clothing. _Yo Ddraig what's goin' on? Come on, man, I can't see or hear anything, _Issei pleaded.**  
**

**Well, for starters, I have no idea what the h-ll is going on, **said Ddraig. **There is... a chain with what appears to be a sword drill at the end, and it is flying through all of the gunships. And... it's pretty confusing, in a nutshell. Kaguya and Yuzuru are nowhere to be seen, but there _is _some girl who looks pretty much identical to the two. Except for what she's wearing.**

_Oh man I got to see this! _No matter how hard Issei struggled, he couldn't move his body. _Ddraig, would you please... uh... mental link your vision to me so I can see what's happening?_

Finally, the view. Words cannot describe what he saw. NOTHING can describe what he saw. Whoever this girl was, she was spewing out some mean words and blowing up all of the gunships with her chain sword.

"FLIP MY B-TCH SWITCH AND I FLIP YOUR LIFE SWITCH!" She screamed, and instantly allowed 8 chains to burst out of her back, sort of like Doctor Octagonapus. They extended rapidly, wrapped themselves around multiple gunships, and with a dying, creaking groan of bending metal, slowly moved them together as she braved the hundreds of missiles and cannons fired at her. The chains snapped like a whip, smashing the gunships together for a chance to destroy all of them completely in one well-timed shot. "ELL KANAPH!" Shouted the spirit, and the massive chain-sword-drill bow appeared in her hands with a cherry, or something that looked like a tactical nuke, strapped to the spear drill head. "I knew humans are nothing but lying pr-cks! They keep telling me that everything's going to be all right and that nobody... nobody will want to kill you when all of that is obviously FALSE! I'm going to kill all of you! ALL OF YOU FOR KILLING ISSEI SAN!"

**Regeneration is finished! DO SOMETHING BEFORE SHE BLOWS SOMETHING UP! **With pain that would've been fatal to anybody who was a normal human, Issei woke up and looked at his wounds as they just closed up with blue and green flames of light.

"Alright! Let's do this!" Issei shouted valiantly, jumping out of the gunship and noticing that his armor wasn't activated. "EHEH! Ddraig activate the balance breaker! Quickly!"

**I can't, **Ddraig spoke. **You can't just explode into massive power levels right after you are resurrected, so... uh... this is all I can do. **The boosted gear appeared on his left forearm and a grapple hook constructed from bright green energy shot out and wrapped itself around Yamai's ankle. It suddenly started to retract rapidly, sending Issei flying through and screaming all the way until he smashed into a set of nice pillows. BUT THEY WEREN'T PILLOWS! They were_ o-o-oppai! _Looking up into Yamai's face and smiling nervously while blood steadily streamed out of his nose, he pushed himself away from her and looked around nervously.

Trying not to freak out Yamai, he said slowly and casually, "Yamai! Hello, it is me. Yes. I am still alive, so you don't have to worry about anything."

**Well, I guess that's ok for starters, **Ddraig admitted.

"So, I'm sorry for dragging you through all of this." He apologized, bowing before her as he held on tightly since she was the only thing preventing him from falling to his death. "I'll promise you, when we get home, I'll serve both of you... and everyone else... your favorite food. And then we can do whatever we want." The blinding light surrounding the battlefield subsided and the sky was once again void of any clouds, leaving sunny, perfectly warm weather.

"It's my fault!" She insisted.

"No, it's mine!" Argued Issei. "I should have been more careful!"

"Well, I should have been there!"

*Awkward silence*

"Ok, ok, fine. We're both at fault. So we can always forgive and forget, right?"

"Right!" Yamai nodded. "And here is my way of saying thanks, because there's no other way to express it." She grabbed Issei by the sides of his head and allowed him to once again seal her spirit powers. As a result, her clothes disappeared.

That's right, her clothes disappeared.

"MMMPPPPHHHTTTTTTT!" Yamai plugged his nose and covered his eyes before things got out of hand for a while. "Wait, how do we get back down?" Issei suddenly asked, noticing that his balance breaker wasn't activated, and as a result, could not fly. And Yamai just lost her spirit powers. "Oh, f-ck me." He muttered as they noticed everything started to fall.

"F-CK MEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee..."

* * *

**WOW! This took quite a while and didn't turn out as well as I expected. It will get better in the next chapter, I promise.**

**That's when the talent show commences, and we all know what that means! :D**


	16. Chapter 15

**My notes are always so long, aren't they? I just write down random stuffHEY! _Hungarian Rhapsody_ is a nice song!**

**I'm sorry, I have ADHD- did you know that if a girl is, like, a shut-in, everybody will think that it's just cute?**

**But when a male is a shut in, they're all like EW! GTFO away from me!**

**That's anime logic for you.**

**And Issei is pronounced "ICY-EYE", according to [subject name] from [subject hometown].**

**I AM SORRY! This chapter was too long when I put in the talent show with that one spirit in it, so as a result, it'll be in another chapter for a CLIFFHNGER. I'm sorry for breaking promises. I'll make it up to you.**

* * *

"Mandatory evacuation, huh?" Rias stared at the map in her hands that clearly outlined the orders five times as well as all possible routes to new relocation centers, all of which were located in Europe, America, and Hawaii. "Well, at least we'll have the upper hand in any future rating games." So far, they were only halfway through their new trip to Europe, which Issei wasn't so exactly excited about, since they were going to be literally at death's door. To DEM Industries of Europe, which was much bigger than DEM Industries of Japan. "Right, Issei-Kun?"

"Yes!" Issei nodded in agreement. "But I'm sorry for making us move... I should really learn to control my power."

**Well, good thing you aren't blaming me, **sighed Ddraig in relief. **You know, I think I should take the blame.**

"Wow, Issei, I didn't know that you could talk in such a deep voice!" His mother called from the front of the RV. "And we thought you were already pro-pubrescent!"

"No, you have it all wrong... oh who cares." He said. "But anyways... what about our school?"

"You're going to be temporarily placed in a school called..." His father announced, "...Raizen Academy! It has a more... modern aspect when compared to Kuoh Academy. The school uniforms are more modern... the, uh... the technology is more modern... but that means I don't have to go on business trips all the time anymore, since all I have to do is _walk _to my meetings!" Yoshino was staring out the window as they were driving through a road somewhere in Russia, which wasn't exactly the safest place to be in 2014.

"Why don't we take a detour?" Rias suggested after she saw how scared Yoshino was right after they passed a dead body hidden under some snow. "Russia isn't exactly that safe."

"We're passing through the peaceful area of Russia! Maybe we'll get to see Saint Basil's Cathedral! You know, the one with the swirly tops!" Issei's father shouted back enthusiastically.

"And even better," Kotori added, "I've detected another spirit in the near vicinity of where we are being located!" She turned her laptop around to display a bunch of incomprehensible readings only she knew, as well as a bunch of satellite feeds that she had stolen from the US Military. "It's... oh dear. This spirit is the yuri spirit. You know... the lesbian spirit. And we know what that means!"

"Wh wh what?" Issei sputtered.

"It means... you will have to transform, onee-chan!" Kotori answered.

"ONEE-CHAN?!" He shouted incredulously, nearly choking on the water he was drinking. "What are you saying? That I have to crossdress so she thinks that.. I'm a girl? How will that be possible? Is there another way? Issei Hyoudou disapproves!"

"Who is Issei Hyoudou, onee-chan?" Kotori giggled teasingly. "Your name is Itsumi Hyoudou, not Issei Hyoudou!"

"Itsumi... oh my god." He held up his hands in confusion. "Okay, I can _kind of _see this plan working. But how will I crossdress? Huh? I won't-"

**Welsh Dragon GENDER TRANSFORMATION! **Ddraid yelled with gusto inside Issei's mind, and he would later have to thank satan that he was out of his parents' view. In a flash of green light which his parents assumed was the emergency flashlight, he could feel something incredibly painful, like all of his bones breaking three times and rearranging themselves. His flesh had a burning sensation, and his balls felt like they could explode. After 30 seconds, it was all over. **I introduce to you... ITSUMI HYOUDOU!**

"The f-ck?" Issei/Itsumi looked down at her chest and noticed that the transformation was surprisingly professional. She sounded different, and every single part of her was no longer Issei. She was now 100% female. "Aaahhhh! I sound different! Ddraig, what the heck did you just do? Is this irreversible- I mean, reversible?!"

**Calm down, **Ddraig pleaded, **calm down! Yes, this is reversible. With my powers, I changed you into Itsumi Hyoudou, so you now think like a girl. You have the body of a girl. You _are _a girl, a perverted one.**

"I can see her sneaking into the boys' bathroom..." Kurumi whispered to Tohka.

"No, that's _gay!_" Itsumi scoffed. "I still like girls! Hold on, I have to use the bathroom." She walked into the RV's water closet, which led to literally every single spirit running up to the WC door and placing their ears on it to hear her reaction. Clothes rustled, followed by the nightmare-inducing scream. "AAUUUURRRGGGHHHH! Sorry... um, excuse me... how the h-ll do I sh-t? And how, just _how _do I _aim_?"

"E-E-excuse me?" Tohka shouted incredulously, opening the door and walking in. "Oh, I see..."

"How do girls piss?!"

"Well, I, uh... okay, first you do this..." instructed Tohka as she walked in. Kiba, without looking in, ran up to the WC and slammed the door shut right when Itsumi's parents turned their heads around to see what the heck was going on. Rias, Akeno, Asia, Xenovia, Kiba, Koneko, Kurumi, Yoshino, Yoshi_non, _Kaguya, Yuzuru, and Kotori hurriedly rushed back to their seats in the RV since, well, it was still moving in order to prevent suspicion from rising. "...and then you do thiiiiis... ok, all done! See? Now go wash your hands!" Tohka peeked out of the WC to make sure Itsumi's parents weren't looking, then opened the door all the way and allowed Itsumi to return to her seat, which was right next to Kiba.

"Uh, hey..." Itsumi nervously chuckled. _Uh, Ddraig, would you please F-CKING TURN ME BACK INTO ISSEI HYOUDOU!_

**Nah, I like Itsumi better, **Ddraig sighed in happiness. **Don't worry, your parents still see you as Issei Hyoudou. Just don't let them make physical contact with you, or else the cover will be blown and you'll be a f-cked duck.**

"How's it like to be a girl?" Asked a curious Kiba with a whisper.

"It's not really that different, except I have these." Itsumi said with a smile, proudly pointing to her chest. All of a sudden, Ddraig decided to morph his host back into Issei Hyoudou, which he did in an instant. "NANDE!" Screamed Issei, leaping out of his seat and launching into a tirade. "I had boobs, the only thing a pervert like me could ask for! I could use them as pillows to sleep when class gets too boring! I could use them to distract bullies or some yuri DEM soldiers! I could EVEN use them as battering rams to smash perverts into brick walls! Seriously, what the h-ll, Ddraig! I'm not saying I like being a girl... but still! I...! HAD...! BAZONGAS!"

**Oh crap! I forgot to turn off the Welsh Drago opposite-gender-reality-bender-light-deception! **Ddraig said suddenly. **What it does is make a dragon's host look like the opposite gender, so that means...**

"...that my parents will see me as ITSUMI HYOUDOU! Quick, turn me back!" Once again, Issei felt every single bone in his body exploding and rebuilding themselves as his DNA and cells went through a massive transformation, and as his no-no square started to morph.

"What's all that commotion back there?" Itsumi's father called from the front seat.

"NOTHING!" Rias quickly shouted.

"Oh, ok." He said and continued driving through Russia. Just then, Itsumi noticed that she had twintails; the one hairstyle Issei Hyoudou loved to see on girls.

Just then, she had an idea that she and her male alter ego would probably regret seeing for ages to come. "Hey, Ddraig, what does my balance breaker look like now that I'm female?" All of a sudden, something equivalent to a sun exploding with green light occurred in the RV, except that there was only the blinding light. Her parents couldn't see the Welsh Dragon's powers, which was good. If they had seen it, the RV would have already crashed because the driver would have been disoriented.

**BALANCE BREAKER! **Shouted Ddraig, and the light subsided to reveal Itsumi in Ddraig's all new balance breaker.

"Ara, ara, it's so skimpy!" Akeno gasped in awe at what Itsumi was wearing; a modified boosted gear balance breaker that was _extremely _skimpy. A few strategically-placed straps were all that was (barely) covering her parts, and even Kiba got a minor nosebleed when he stared too long. Yoshino fainted before she fell all the way back into her seat, and giggles pervaded throughout the van.

"Nani sore!" Itsumi tugged at the straps in an attempt to make them cover more. Her stomach and shoulders were completely exposed, which increased her movement freedom but would haunt her when she was stuck outside in the cold climate of Russia and Europe. "Ddraig, do you have a death wish? Huh?"

**This will be a major combat advantage! **Argued Ddraig with no shame in his voice. **Male combatants will be entranced by the armor's exposing design, and the limitation of armored plates will allow for less restricted movement! It's also much lighter, so this should be a godsend for you!**

"I don't care!" Counter-argued Itsumi. "I'll stick out like a sore thumb... change this balance breaker's design NOW!"

**As I said-**

"Waaaahhh!" Itsumi started to cry. Yes, Itsumi/Issei started crying, but it would make sense if you were being humiliated in front of a bunch of your friends. "Ddraig is a pervert! Ddraig is a pervert!"

**Oh- oh my... alright. **Sighed Ddraig, giving up on trying to convince Itsumi that less armor meant better mobility. **Fine, how's this sound; I'll cover your exposed parts with a hyper tensile, nearly everything-proof material! It's like a bodysuit, okay?!** In a flash of green light, Ddraig added his promised additions to the balance breaker, much to Itsumi's happiness. **Can I turn you back into Issei back now? You're much less whinier. And more mature- okay, now WHAT are you doing? **When he was distracted, Itsumi had already rushed over to Tohka and started to grope her.

"How do you get them so big?" Itsumi wondered out loud.

"H-Hey! Itsumi!" Tohka tried to shake off her powerful grasp. "It isn't right to do this kind of thing! It's YURI I'm not lesbian! Stop it, please!"

**That's it! **Ddraig finally decided on his verdict and secured his choice. **I'm changing you back into Issei Hyoudou before your alter ego decides to take over.**

Looking down at himself and everyone else around him, Issei finally said out loud, "OH THANK GOD! For a while there I thought that Itsumi was going to stay Itsumi forever!"

**PRE cisely. **Ddraig said. **If you stay as Itsumi for too long, you gradually lose control before you become Itsumi... forever. And it cannot be changed, no matter how many times you die and get revived. So that's why once we seal the yuri spirit, I'm killing Itsumi, unless we somehow decide and work up some crazy excuse to actually make her a real person and Issei's onee-chan.**

_Silence._

"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come across it." Issei shrugged.

Some days later...

"R-R-Ra-Raizen Academy! Dude, Issei, our new school with new technology! And hotter girls! Wah hah hah! It's a pervert trio dream come true!" Matsuda had a bloody nose from his new opportunity and fell head-over heels at the sight of the new school. "Not only that, the school uniforms for girls are sexier than they were at Kuoh! Wait, no... they reveal less!" He sprang up to his feet right next to Issei. "THIS IS ABSURD! AN ATROCIOUS ACT commited by... the designer of the SCHOOL UNFORMS!"

Meanwhile, Motohama was trying out a new pick up line that the perverted trio (Matsuda, Issei, and himself) had thought up during the grand relocation. He was testing it out on the student council president, a blonde. "Hey, girl," he smirked, "are you from outer space? Because your a-s is OUT OF THIS WORLD!" A punch to the kisser sent him flying through the frosty air at the feet of Issei and Matsuda. "Y-You liars! That didn't work a single bit!"

"Your delivery was all f-cked up!" Matsuda explained hastily. "Say it with more gusto, and next time, don't look so constipated! Look, Issei knows how to do it correctly! ISSEI! GO PICK UP THAT GIRL OVER THERE AND WE'LL GIVE YOU ALL OUR MAGAZINES!" He jabbed a finger at Origami Tobiichi, who was carrying her books so they were against her abdomen as she looked around nervously and tried to stay hidden.

"I can't!" Issei argued. "She's the master of poker faces! Her mind is void of any emotion! She's _impossible _to be picked up, I'm telling you! Even though she's hot, I don't care!" Just then, the school bell started to ring. And ring. And ring a final time before students started to haul it to their homeroom classes for their daily announcement of annoucements. Most of the students were European and unknown to Issei, but only a few he spotted were his classmates despite the fact that _all _Kuoh Academy students and staff were moved to Raizen Academy. Running through the open front doors, he looked left and right down the halls. The design of the school _was _more modern, because it had more glass and aesthetic designs. The perverted trio all shared the same homeroom, so they ran down the hall, around a corner, around _another _corner, and right into the third door down the hallway on the left hand side.

Flinging open the door right as the teacher was taking attendance, Issei immediately saw that his nearest and dearest were nowhere to be found, full of a bunch of students he never knew. That meant that the perverted trio were also the only Japanese students in the entire classroom.

And there was a translator next to their seats.

"Uh... we can speak English." Said the perverted trio, trying to politely dismiss the translator.

The teacher, who seemed a little too young to be hired, asked the perverted trio, "Mais pouvez-vous parler français?"

Motohama slowly turned around and said to his two friends, "We're in England, right?" They both nodded. "Then why the h-ll is she speaking friggin' FRENCH?!"

"Nah, just kidding!" The teacher giggled and waved any confusion away from the classroom. "I teach electives French I and French II, so... who knows... maybe if you chose French as one of the 'lectives, I'll see you soon! Anyways, class, as you all know, Japan has recently experienced some major catastrophical... accidents in the nuclear factories, and since it's pretty much destroyed, we'll have some new students for a few months! Please take a seat... um, I'm sorry, what are your names again?"

"Issei Hyoudou!" Issei proudly jabbed a thumb in his chest. "Former student of Kuoh Academy! I'll do my best in this new school!"

"Matsuda and Motohama!" They said in their respective orders.

"Ah, yes! You three sit _right _there, all in the front row next to each other. I'm Tamae Okamine, your new homeroom teacher!" The teacher pointed out their seats, and since they were _literally _in front of her desk, there was no room to f-ck around. But even better, Matsuda had the desk closest to the teacher, who was unbelievably attractive and was probably a former preschool/kindergarten teacher. The glasses she wore only made her male students more nosebleed prone, and she was kind of short so most of the students in the room were either the same height as her or slightly taller.

The announcements kicked in. "Okay, uh... please stand for the pledge of allegiance- wait, I'm sorry. I'm just from America, does the United Kingdom have a pledge of allegiance? Or do you say something like... uh.. oh, wait, you don't? Ok, Raizen Academy students, I apologize. Please take your seats. Anyways... uh... movin' on to the announcements! As you all know, today is the FINAL day to register for the district-wide talent show taking place... 2 days from now! Remember, the winning school wins... 100,000 British pounds, so keep on practicing, and as they all say, break a leg! Cave Johnson we're done here." And then the intercom clicked off.

_Wait... Tamae Okamine? _A train of thought smashed into Issei's brain, splattering it all over the classroom's walls. _YES! I know this woman! She was... MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER from nearly... 11 years ago?! _As Ms. Okamine stared to pass out registration forms for the talent show, Issei turned around and asked the girl behind him just how old Ms. Okamine was.

"She turned 29 a week ago." She said casually. _What? 29? That's not possible! If that was true, then.. she was 18 when she was my kindergarten teacher?! AAAAHHHHHH HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! _All of a sudden, a paper airplane flew into the back of his neck, thrown from a person a few seats behind him when Ms. Okamine was explaining how to find the area left over when there was a sphere-shaped hollowing 5 meters in diameter within cube B, which had 5 meter sides. _Ow god d-mmit, whoever did that, prepare to DIE! _He turned around, clearly pissed off, and saw that the person who threw it... was KOTORI! She smiled at him, tilted her head, and gestured to him to unfold it. Confused, Issei looked at the paper airplane and unfolded it.

"You may want to sign that," it read. He furiously signed the registration slip and walked up to Tamae Okamine's desk, setting it down on the basket.

"Excuse me..." Ms. Okamine suddenly said as Issei was returning to his desk. "Please excuse me if I'm wrong... but I think I was your teacher once...? Your name just.. huh. _Did _I teach you?"

"Okamine-Senseiiii!" Turning around and smiling, Issei squeaked in an attempt to imitate his 5-year old self.

All of a sudden, Ms. Okamine immediately tensed up and adjusted her glasses. "I-I'll see you in my office right after class."

* * *

**Yep, he's f-cked! Or... is he?**

* * *

Issei cautiously closed the door behind him and slowly walked into Ms. Okamine's office. _Why does an academy have an office for each of their teachers? _He thought, shuddering from the fear of what was going to happen to him. _Is it because of that one time I accidentally followed her to her car where she made out with the principal? Noooo I'm sorry I'm sorry! Maybe... it's because of that other time when I snuck onto her computer and looked at all of the photos of her with the principal! Yes, that must be it!_ Her office was professionally organized, and on one wall, had 50 license plates. On the _other _wall, there was a photo collage of her with the principal, the godd-mn principal, in all of the world's seven modern wonders. _Seriously, what is up with her and that motherf-cking principal? Didn't he have a wife?_

"Issei-Chaaaaaaan!" Ms. Okamine ran forwards and pounced on Issei, forcing him against the door as she hugged him. "I missed you sooo much! Wow, are you really Issei-Chan? You were soooo small! Like this!" She moved her hand down to her waist, and since she was only 4' 11", that meant 5-year old Issei was _pretty _small. "Wow, you've grown so much... and so... handsome..."_  
_

"Eh, Okamine-Sensei, isn't it against the law for a teacher and student to be this close!?" Argued Issei, trying to shake her off as she closed her eyes and moved her head closer to his. "I mean, I understand you're glad to see me again, and beleive me, I'm very happy as well. But we can't be too close! I'm sixteen, and you're..."_  
_

"...29..." She whispered, dangerously close. Luckily for Issei, his fear of her being Jessica in disguise was an outright fallacy, since Jessica was much taller than Issei, let alone Ms. Okamine.

"Yes, exactly! You are thirteen years older than me! It is against the law! Don't you have a husband? A boyfriend?"

"They'll think I am just your mother..."

**This woman is freaking the frozen over hell out of me. **Ddraig shuddered and spasmed in fear. **She's 29. Why does she look- **_What, 16? _Issei thought. **Yes! How is this possible? Does she have some sort of genetic disease where she does not mature into adulthood? Wait... she could be Ophis! That's right! Maybe your teacher is actually Ophis in disguise! But Ophis can only change her disguise once every few hundred years... and she just changed it recently... no, this can't be Ophis.**

"Ladies and gentleman." The intercom flickered to life. "Please head for the nearest exit in an orderly fashion. Do not panic." All of a sudden, an alarm in the distance could be heard, followed by what sounded like an explosion and gunfire. "Please do not panic. This is merely a drill." The voice repeated slowly as the windows closest to the battlezone shattered and pandemonium erupted out everywhere. Just then, Kotori kicked down the door and sent Issei and Ms. Okamine flying to the other side of the office. After rolling a couple times, Issei ended up on top of Ms. Okamine as the dust cleared, letting in the sound from the screaming students.

"Onii-Chan!" She shouted loudly. "It's the yuri spirit!"


	17. JULY 30 WARNING

**THIS STORY IS UP FOR ADOPTION.**

I no longer write, watch, and never will write and watch anything related to _Highschool DxD _from this point on.

That means that I will no longer continue this story. That is, unless _you _want to continue it. I'll give you all rights to the story, including ownership rights. I want _nothing _to do with this story. Claim it as your own, and DO NOT EVEN MENTION MY NAME.


End file.
